Another newbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Another newbie
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 10:11pm

Thank goodness I found a place to vent.

Just got dumped by MM on Saturday without warning.  Been best friends for eight years, got into PA in December.  Incredible connection and incredible sex, even as recently as last Thursday.  Did not hear from MM until midday Saturday with a text that essentially said "told wife of affair, she sets conditions of no contact, we're done."  WTF?  No mention of what occurred, etc.  Text/email/call to no avail.  They have blocked all regular forms of communication.  Got a brief email from the wife saying she will bring by my things that they have borrowed, but other than that she expects my full compliance with no contact.

Wanting to see MM and get some explanation, I show up unannounced at his place of business.  He is obviously nervous and concerned.  Calls wife who freaks out.  He is cold as steel to me.  No indication of love and affection that he has ALWAYS had even before the affair.  Tells me in no uncertain terms that it is over and there will be no opportunities to contact him further.  I am devastated to say the least.  I expected a caring and tearful goodbye. A hug.  An offer to go back to friendship status.  Nope.  Cold.  Harsh.  Unfeeling it seems.  Is he even bothered that he may never see me again in any form?  His wife was calling every 3 minutes to make sure he was accomplishing the task of getting rid of me.  At one point, she told him to tell me it was time to leave.  I told him it was a public place and I was under no obligation to do so.

I got mad and called him a few choice expletives before I left.  He said he felt better when he knew I was angry with him and not sad.  So what does anyone make of all this?  Until today I considered him my best friend and one of the most kindest, gentlest souls I know.  Why would he treat me so badly?  Easier to say goodbye when you are emotionally detached?

No idea but I am more hurt than words could ever express.  


Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 11:25am

Welcome to EAS, lolathefish

Many of us here know of the hurt and confusion that comes as a result of being blindsidely dumped and then thrown under the bus.

Before I forget, please scroll down to our Healing Library and read the "why there is no closure thread".  It'll help put into perspective just how affairs work and then sometimes come to a screeching halt...and it is up to us to find our own closure.

You can spend way too much precious time trying to figure out how and why things unfolded on his end, or, you can take this as an opportunity to do some introspection and get to the bottom of your 'whys' in why did I think having an affair with a married man was okay...that's a good start and will open the door to other issues at play.

For now, you'll have to accept that fact that he and his wife are a united front and there's nothing you can do about it.  We know, it hurts like hell.

With some time and distance out, you'll start feeling a little better about why it is best that it matter how it ended or who ended it.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 9:08am

I am sorry for your pain. It is weird that he told his wife, but he did, and she apparently is willing to work on the marriage. As hard as it is for you, you must move on. I think it is nice to get some kind of goodbye, but it doesn't always happen. The firmness might be more likely to convey to you the finality of it all, but I can see how his attitude can leave you hanging. It doesn't much matter. He made his choice and you must protect your heart and move on with your life no matter how difficult it is right now. Time, believe it or not, will eventually do its job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 2:17pm

I don't know why he told his wife, but obviously he doesn't want to lose her, so he is willing to obey the conditions of no contact.  There is no way he could continue to be friends w/ you & save the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 11:53pm

Good sex and love are two different things.  When you have an affair with a married man, he owes you nothing, not even an explanation.  His wife is calling the shots now......and he's going to toe the line.  He obviously had/has no plans to end his marriage, and when there was a choice to be made, he chose his marriage.  Once an affair ends, there is no way that the two people can be "friends" it's time for you to move on. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 11:28pm

  Listen,these things happen.  It seems that you did not realize that MM would not leave the W.   Now move on.