Another "other woman" has come along...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Another "other woman" has come along...
10
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 5:04pm

Hmmm....here I am again after being out of the "affair" since last October. No, the affair hasn't started with me again...however, my XMM is now in communication with a former live-in girlfriend. She lives about 3 hours away, but somehow they are now talking/e-mailing almost daily. How do I know this? Because he told me!! He even asked me to read the e-mails...which I did NOT!! I have been trying to do this "friend"/co-worker thing and it's actually been working a little. I'm not really that into him anymore, and I definitely do NOT want to be in the affair again. However, there is something about seeing him and attempting a friendship that I think is important. Maybe this is stupid and a waste of time. Anyway, I don't know how to handle this situation b/c I think he's going to cheat on his wife again with this old girlfriend. He told me that if it weren't for his kids, he doesn't know if he would stay married. He also said that with this former girlfriend, he always felt like there was "something" really there with here that he just doesn't have with his wife.
I have to admit, I'm a little jealous, but at the same time, I'm utterly disgusted and so angry at him. I have told him that he's going to f--- up and ruin his life. I reminded him how awful he felt when we ended it. None of this seems to matter. Here's the worst part of all, you guys better sit down. He told me last week that the reason it could never work with he and I is b/c we work in the same organization and he could lose his job if people found out. But with this former girlfriend (3 hours away), no one would find out. It's safe. He actually told me this!!! I felt like throwing up. There's a big part of me that really wants his wife to find out. I don't think she deserves this. Seeing this from the point of view that I'm at now, it's totally repulsive.
Then, the next day, after telling me about his former girlfriend, he gives me a big lecture about how he loves his wife and kids and he would never hurt them.

Anyway, even though I'm not in the affair with this man again, I think I need to go back to no contact again. This is upsetting me to the point of me not being able to concentrate. I'm constantly wondering if he's talking to this new woman. I don't know why I'm so concerned. I'm like the jilted lover. Actually, I think it's because it shows me once again, that I was nothing to him. NOTHING! Now, he's rubbing it in my face and it's hurting me...really hurting me. Can anyone give me advice? Should I go back to no contact even with a psuedo-friend? I think he thinks it doesn't bother me since we're not together anymore, but it does. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 5:53pm

it is perfectly natural to feel the rejection again, to feel repulsed to feel all the things you're feeling. This guy is very much like my xMM...he loved the "friendship" part of our relationship..expected me to be happy for him because i loved him. Of course there is a part of me that wants him to be happy (besides the pain...there was love for him..I won't let someone negate that i Loved him)...doesn't mean i have to sit back and watch it. That is why NC works.

I wont let someone negate that I loved...but I do not have to sit back and watch him be giggly over someone else...how much punishment does a woman have to take...it makes me feel as if he forgot how *I* felt, that I truly wanted to be the one who knew him best on this planet (his words) etc. ...but it doesnt mean that I can sit back and let him reap all the benefits of my friendshipside while dying inside. NOPE..self preservation...no contact. I can love him in the back of my mind..i did that and showed that by not stopping him or sabotaging him...and trying not to carry bad feelings for him...to me...THAT was friendship enough. Selfish people do not always see the gifts given...just the pretty wrapping. No more gifts he can see and feel. No ugly paper, no pretty paper...just the gift inside me....my feelings my secret...never to be heard or felt again. Gift enough, my forgiveness.

I am so glad i dont work with him. I dont know how you all do that. This is why it is hard to be friends and in their lives...because we will measure ourselves against all that come after us, keep wondering, keep comparing etc. I won't do that. I cannot. I matter...and I cannot stand by and watch myself matter so little. That was his truth that I had to accept. How much more would I have to accept? I tried being noble, supportive because I loved him but when it hurt me more...I had to save myself.

He may think I might have been just going through a phase of "love" feelings. I stopped proving it (i know i was trying to prove that love by staying his friend)...i dont have to prove it to someone who is not interested in its impact anylonger. Its banging your head on a drum to a deaf person. I guess I realize it doesn't matter who is listening. They cannot change my truth just like I cannot change his. Wish him well...and get out of that information lane. You dont need it. When you stop wanting to be in the know of his life...you will truly be free ...at least more free...to move on. Otherwise, you are in the lane of self-punishment, false hope, angst, re-grieving, and trying to be strong...for what...nobility? Guys like him and my xMM don't get that...they are not noble they are self-centered and very much self perserving....they are not thinking of your feelings. Believe me..its sounds incredible another human being can be that way...unfortunately my eyes are opened up at a late age in life...i am shocked but getting through it going through the stages of jaded, relagation and hopefully soon...new hope and not punishing others who may come along...but definately more cautious.

Don't be his friend like this...he doesn't really deserve it. They try to make people like me feel like we are "horrible" for not being a good friend. I bought that. I am taking it back (found my receipt) LOL
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:07pm
Gosh! Thank you for that reply. That was so well-written that I almost thought I was reading from a book. You sound like me in so many ways. I judge my "caring" for him by remaining his friend. But you're right--at what point do I say, "enough is enough!"? I am finding it hard to remain unemotional with him right now and feel myself becoming somewhat needy b/c I know there's potential for another woman to have what I wanted at one time...maybe still do a little. I know in my heart that beyond me, and beyond this current former girlfriend, there will be others. People like him don't just stop, do they? So, I better get used to it if I'm going to be friends with him. My other choice is what you just said--just stop putting my friendship out to be stepped on. I feel abused in some ways...like my feelings don't count anymore. It's really painful. I've actually cried about this b/c I can't figure out why he doesn't care about what I feel and what I think! It's almost worse than an affair b/c I'm giving and he's taking...but I'm getting no friendship in return. You can't imagine how many people have commented to me..."You're too nice to him. You're too good to him. You're too good of a friend to him." I think what they're saying is for me to open my eyes to the way he is. Right now, I'm pretty repulsed by what he's doing, although he denies it. I feel like a mother-hen checking on him and trying to keep him in line. But I don't know why. I should let him screw up, ruin his life, ruin his career, lose his kids. Why should I care?
I think I will go back to No Contact AGAIN!!! God, how many time have I done that? I think a friendship takes 2 people for it to work, correct? Well, lately it's been just me being the friend. I need to just step aside. I'm going to try. This is tough.
It's good to know that I'm not alone in attempting a friendship and failing in the attempt. I'm better than this, aren't I?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 7:49pm

the attempt at "friendship" was just as much for me as it was for him. I am a martyr but to a point. I had to get honest with myself that I wanted to keep in my life for meeee as well. When i saw that he had no passion for me ...the me..who loved him...i started to realize how narcisstic and selfish he was because no human healthy person would put ME through it..and make me feel "bad" for feeling angst over certain issues like his new g/f that he left his wife for? I realized i was a CATALYST for him wanting to get caught by his wife...after 10 years of cheating on his wife in 11 years of marriage...my text billing to him made her see he was cheating again (i find out that i of course wasnt the first)..he had set up his life in a situation that made it just that much more easy to leave his wife...new town...they lived with her parents so she'd be ok if he left and then started something with me and then this other woman...she opted to give him more green lights than i did to leave his wife..i.e. a place to live etc...that i wouldnt. Longer story to this but anyway...

i realized and he realized..that i wasnt going to hurt him in return..and they do want to be friends because they dont want reprucussions from a scorned woman...so why not keep them as friends..and also i was a safety net i am sure incase his plan with new g/f didnt work out...and on top of it he is a libra and they love harmoney and partners..and he couldnt stand the fact of being alone etc.. all so very charming and loving of him not to just dump me HARSHLY because it served him as well..he got to be the good guy in my eyes.....but when he didnt need me anymore (because as i see it things with new g/f solidified and the safety harness isnt needed anymore) he skipped away happy as a clam and made me feel like crap for "dwelling" on things. He wants to be "happy" doesnt need the downer etc...doesnt neeed my advice he so used to lean on me for...doesnt need the attention..etc.
I am sure...a pattern repeated....for 10 years...one after the other...perhaps a few didnt end so nicely because they might have not been so sweet and nice to him as I and probably others were (some had to be as sweet as me because he has avoided jail lol or other dramatic consequences like a hospital) LOL but ya see....he is goooooooooooooood...and will always be ok....just had interim times of scared and leaned on the good woman (ahem) to feel safe and ok.

He didnt make me feel safe and ok when he finally landed back on his feet. hence..no mo' friendship and a big eye opening sad set of circumstances for me to deal with that i ...indeed...am not....special. His concious will not let him think he is crap because he makes sure he is too busy with his new life..to dwell...and that my friend..is what ...a narcissistic and/or sociopath...does....to keep from wanting to committ suicide because in the end....they really love themselves more than they will ever love others....ever. They get short pangs of guilt and fault (sometimes) but they find a way...especially if they are so well versed from it and rarely have to suffer many consequences....they dont care about their credit lol or what they lose or anything like that....because they live in the moment..because living in the past is too painful if they start to think about it. That is why many are nomadic or seek out the kind of career that lets them be that way....like military or sales etc. ...moving target is harder to hit and the devastation left behind ...they dont have to deal with...they move and recreate. over and over.
Bless his heart he will probably with his charm, always get saved ..he is handsome, charming and convincing and just enough heart to make you feel it...lucky bastard..even when he is old he will probably still be able to get from everyone anything he wants. He does this...not just from women but anyone...a very charming life moocher. Lotta work but he sees the payoff ...i try to shame his concious by not making him face the consequences and being the good friend and buddy..and true...its lost on him...i think...well ya know...i'll never know...and that is how i know i will not contact him again because that "i'll never know" angst...has turned to just letting ...it....go. Mystery will remain unsolved because Ive allowed myself time, gave up contact..and had to let the chemicals ride out of me....painfully but eventually....it WILL if you let it...to at least a manageable degree...just like all griefs do if you let it.
Ive made peace with that.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:05pm

p.s. for people like me anyway...i can be a friend in my heart and mind and never have contact again...because in a way...i know i cannot control my feelings of rejection and wanting etc..to truly be a supportive person in what he wants to do. I rather he had chosen to lie ..this time telling me he had gone back to his wife ...but unfortunately ...when he wanted to be truthful in his life and go on and be with this new g/f...he wanted to live above board with someone he cheated on his wife with..it wasnt me and i cannot handle it...i dont know i dont think he will change so i guess i dodged a bullet and she has to deal with that now...(such a long story of who he ended up with and what she is giving him)

anyway..my point is...i thought if i stopped my friendship that i would be denying my love for him. I can love(part of him) him forever in my heart...any outward demonstration of that is no longer wanted. I so badly wanted to be the one who showed him love. He didn't get it or want it....i guess ive made peace with THAT notion. I know that i need to love myself...and that the sarcasm and wanting him to be "the good guy" was just me wanting a good guy and proving myself that i indeed fell for a good guy ..that he must be that good guy...but the fog lifted and he proved to me ...he wasnt and probably wont be the good guy. I dont know if he has love with this new g/f (he wouldnt say he loved her when he first told me about her months ago)....and I stuck around in the friendship mode partly because I didnt want him out of my life and partly to see the story unfold further.

To be the good woman and to feed my curiousity and hope for the failure of it. Ive let it go when it smacked me in the face one too many times...and not wanting to humiliate myself...as i did in that last call..when i came unglued and showed my true reaction...instead of staying 'brave". It was then ..i realized...i was being brave for no one. He saw a fool. That made me sick. He is a narcissist young boy who thought he was a hero...just because he was one at one time...but i know the coward, lazy, selfish guy who is skipping awasy to his next adventure...all...because..he can and will..he is too smart for me but saw that i was smart too..and he didnt want to have a relationship ..with his concious. (me). When the concious thing starts to mirror...and the ego gets fed less...they dont want that situation. (not talking all men....but just the "type" of men in particular that deals with narcissism/sociopathic situations).
I could type forever...but i'll stop now.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:13pm

Lizzie,
I think it's also a matter of me having just a little self-respect. I think I'm shortchanging myself. I thought about all of my friends in my life. I would NEVER let another person (friend) treat me the way he treats me or talk to me the way he does. No other friend would even want to be that way with me. So, I'm cutting him out today. He doesn't want me as a friend. He wants me as a cushion...like you said.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I hope in the end we both are better off without these type of people in our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:18pm

IVhappiness

Way does any of this surpprise you, what do you expect from the likes of him.

This guy is not friendship material, sounds more like he has a split personality, one is Dum and the other NUTS.

And yes you should go back to NO CONTACT so you can stop him from getting his jollies by shuffing this stuff in your face.

Just my opinion

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:07pm
It's funny when I read my post and look at it several hour after writing it. I must seem completely foolish to actually care enough about this person to even WANT his friendship. It shows my insecurity, doesn't it? I'm so desperate for attention that I want a scum-sucking pig as my friend? I'm pitiful. I need some serious self-esteem to come my way. I think of all of the good people in the world, and I've chosen this man to have an affair with (over), and still cling to like a small child? Geez! What is wrong with me? I should not give a rat's a-- about him. It's so obvious that I'm being stepped on like a doormat! Thanks for all of your advice and support. Like I said in my earlier posting, starting today, he's out! No more Miss Nice Girl. Screw him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:52pm

H

"scum-sucking pig", WOW you have promoted him from pondscum to a Mammal. your to kind to him girl.

Think pork chops.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:50am

It would take all the energy I have to respond to your post thoroughly, but suffice it to say that this issue has surfaced in my life as well. A few weeks ago I was a manic poster on this board, about how XMM contacted me because his new OW found out about his W and vice versa, and he needed to make a decision whether to stay with the W or move in with the OW. The drama increased when his new OW called me to find out what my relationship was with XMM because she saw my name on his phone list. WTF?????

Frankly, I've done everything in my power spiritually to move on from this mess (including abstaining from the ivillage affairs boards, for the most part) and I'm in a good place with it all right now which is why I don't feel that I can open the whole thing up again to respond to your post. I'm seeing my T in a few hours for the first time since the OW called me, and after that session, I may be more willing to spill my guts here.

But for all the reasons you set forth in your post, yeah, it's a lousy/toxic situation to deal with. And when I called the XMM to chew him out after his new OW called me, I called him not pondscum (although I do like that one), but a "disease carrying piece of trash." Not proud of it now, either. Did it stop him from contacting me again? He## no. He called me as though nothing had happened about 3 days later.

As I said, I'm recovering from the whole thing now and in a spiritually much better place. Best of luck to you. Love and big sympathetic hugs, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 12:01pm

It hadn't occurred to me that this is a "toxic" relationship until that last posting. I've always just thought it was a bad relationship...but it IS toxic. I might have to check out those message boards sometime. It's funny, but I received an e-mail from him this morning. I've been pretty sick with bronchitis and he found out. He was writing to give me a chicken soup recipe. At first, I thought...that's nice of him. But now, I'm thinking...here we go again! Trying to suck me in with niceness only to stomp on me again!! Trying to keep me dangling in case this current person comes to her senses! I'm not responding to his e-mail. I'm just going to move on as best I can. I still hope his wife finds out about this one...not from me, but on her own. I want him to suffer just a little. Actually, I want him to suffer a lot!

Pond Scum might even be too nice a name for him. You guys are funny. At least I got a good laugh out of all of this mess.