Another Person with a Problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Another Person with a Problem
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:55am
When I first started my A, it seemed as if it made my marriage better. I made love to my H more (which is what he really wanted), and I was happy. Then I realized my OM just wanted me for sex. Before we had actually done the deed, he would call me everyday, hold me when I saw him, and cared about what I felt. Now he only calls me to find out if my H is working "tonight", and when he comes over all we do is have sex. At times I have to track him down, and sometimes I don't get calls for days. It really hurts, and I don't want to admit it to myself, but I think I may love him. The problem is, he's an ex-boyfriend, and there must be a reason he's an ex, right? When we were dating, all we did was have sex, so why should this "relationship" be any different? I remember when we first started talking again, he told me that he didn't want to put his feelings out there and get too emotionally involved with someone that may never leave their H. And I understood that. But now I'm the one that wants to be with him (I think), and he's the one not satisfying me emotionally. That was the main reason the A started! I tell myself that I will not call him, that I will try to fix my marriage, but after the first two days, the need to hear his voice and feel his body starts to consume me. Why am I so drawn to a man that will never love me? It's to the point that I just want to be alone! That's the only way I'll stop my suffering, right? I feel that it's not fair to my H, because he could find someone so much better, that will love him and treat him like he should be treated. Me and my H are only 21, and I feel he's got tons of women out there for him. I think that the only thing that keeps me with him is our son. I feel so selfish and greedy. I am extremely depressed, and I'm starting to really wish I'd never started this. I tell myself that I want to end it with my OM, but how do I live without him? Please, I need some support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 12:22pm

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think you should really think about what would make you happy. I'm in a similiar situation. I met my husband when I was 20 we married when I was 23 and now have a daughter. I am just now realizing who I am and what I want out of life. My husband is a nice man and I really do consider him a friend but I am still soul searching to figure out where I need to go from here. My affair has now eded and I'm just now starting to see things pretty clearly. I think it is hard for the OM to respect the MW but there is defintely something that draws them to us. I felt after a while that it was purley sexual on my part to after a while. I think it is too hard to figure out what to do when your mind is clouded with OM and the A issues. I'm sorry for rambling but I definetely can relate to you and hope you find the right answer to your situation before the years pass by like they have for me!!


Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 12:45pm
Okay I'd like to try to help. First of all, your confusion comes from being married and doing the wrong thing. So the first suggestion I have is to try to come to grips that you must deal with one relationship at a time. The first thing to do in my opinion is to realize you can't live in fantasy and you need to end this A, which means you have no contact. By having additional contact, it keeps the A alive. If this OM doesn't connect with you emotionally then you need to let him go anyway. I know it isn't easy, but it is necessary. That way, you can deal with your marriage. You are quite young to be married, but since you are you should give your DH a chance to voice what he wants also. Then you do what you have to do, either rebuild your marriage or end it. This OM has obviously been in your life twice now, so letting him go until you are free to pursue a real relationship with him or someone else is the only answer. I will tell you like I did my daughter and that is the only way you can tell if a man really loves you is by how he treats you, not what he says. From the sound of your post, you already have red flags that this OM is not the man you would like him to be. And you should know by now, you cannot change a person. This isn't really about the OM or your DH, it is about you. You talk about being selfish, but it goes way deeper than that. Sure your actions do look selfish, but they happen for a reason.

If you really want to get better and out of feeling depressed, you need to do something. Let the OM go and deal with your marriage, one way or the other. Honestly from the sound of your post, I didn't get the impression this OM wanted a real relationship with you even if you were divorced. So take it slow with your marriage, but get the OM out of the picture as soon as possible.

Hugs and keep posting!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 1:01pm

Thanx for you advice. I'm trying. OM just called me and wants to see me. For some reason, it's extremely difficult to say no to him. If my H didn't work at night, I probably wouldn't be seeing him. I only agreed to see him tomorrow because he is going out of town for 2 to 3 weeks. I figure that the best way to deal with this problem is to not see each other, and he's leaving at a perfect time! I guess what hurts the most is that I thought he was different. You know, a little more mature. I kept comparing him to my H, because OM looks good on paper. The biggest thing was that he's working on his Masters, and my H has yet to go to college, so I felt that he must be a good man if he was so motivated. He's the greener grass. Thanx bunches. I'll probably be on this board for a while!

rara :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 3:53pm
Welcome Raraday...

You are in such a tough position... and I can relate to so much of what you said... what an incredibly strong pull these men can have on us, regardless of if they treat us right or with respect. My XMM didn't respect me or love me at all - he only wanted sex... but I still fell for him anyway.

You sound very guilty about the affair - that is totally normal and most of us have had to struggle with guilt... But if I may offer my honest opinion - you need to NOT SEE THE OM. Not just once more - it's like an addict taking "just one more hit" before quitting - it doesn't work. You just have to stop and not prolong the pain. This man is NOT your future... and for what it's worth, level of education has nothing to do with ability to provide emotional support or connection or even necessarily with maturity and ability to be in a real relationship. Whether your H has gone to college has nothing to do with if he is the right man for you... do you love him? Do you want to make it work with him - to give it a real chance?

As long as you keep going back with OM, you won't be giving your marriage a real fair chance. You're too divided in your heart, not giving 100% to either man... and since you OM doesn't seem at all worthy of or even desiring of your love, don't waste your time trying to change him. Decide if you want to be with your H - decide if you want to really give the two of you a chance. If the answer is no and decide to divorce, then know you decided that without the outside influence of an affair and OM. If the answer is yes, then you know you can't keep OM around and still make it right... it won't work to try to repair your marriage while still involved with someone else.

This is not easy... keep coming here for support... Hugs...