Another point of view from a man
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| Wed, 01-20-2010 - 2:04pm |
I have read the posting from justanotherman here, so I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring. Be easy on it...it's a nice hat.
I came the the EAS boards as I look around to perspectives and points of view in ending an A. My AP and I have been involved in this for more than 4+ years now. It is clear to me this it has ended, but we seem to be doing the usual dance. We've done it before.
She is a MW with a child and I am a MM with a child. The story of our A is probably pretty typical...discover someone you work with, feel an instant attraction and not being strong enough to say no. Like most A's, my AP and I felt like we had found our new best friends and our soulmates. We work together so it was the typical routine of e-mail, IM, phone calls and stealing whatever time we can to be together...on business trips, in a car, even in the office. We indulged the fantasy of each of us getting a D and being together. Is anyone surprised that 4+ years later we are both still married? Nothing atypical, I am sure.
I know this is a forum for women, but as you think about the healing that comes after an affair, consider that the man hurts too. My AP and I have had our rocky moments in our relationship, but also have found a reason, or a way, to continue it. It's clearly not healthy for either of us, it doesn't really "work", but we had kept it going. Recently, she has had to spend more time focused on other priorities ( her son and her work ) and has had little time for me. It has taken such an emotional toll on me. I reached out to her to explain and give her a strong indication that I needed more, but she didn't respond to my outreach. I know that isn't healthy for me ( or her), that it is a clear sign that it is over, but still she tells me that "her feelings for me haven't changed". I know it is time for both of us to move on from this and I am trying to have the courage to do so. I know that it will be a positive things for both of us.
Right now, we have LC, but I know the pull is there. I have had to remove her from all of my social contact lists, just to keep myself from having the urge to reach out. I still check my e-mail constantly to see if there is a message from her (probably out of habit), but am committed to not sending one. It sucks to feel needy, but LC makes one feel that way doesn't...for the man too.
So, on the other side of an A, whether an EA or a PA, we aren't all JAMs. I know that I am in love with my AP and I know that she is in love with me. I am trying to treat her heart with kindness and not torment her as she deals with whatever loss she may feel from the end of our A. I am trying to find a way to ask her for the same, because her notes to me leave me confused and feeling that I made a mistake in pushing for this to end. Perhaps I misread the signals she was sending me and that she would have been happy for this to continue...and we all know how easy it is to feel that the right answer is to re-engage.
Anyway, that's my story for now. I'm not asking for sympathy, but I'd appreciate help in understanding. I don't blame her for our involvement, I know why we made the choices we did four years ago. I know that our attraction for each other was real..as was our affection and our love. I see now, though, how much those choices, perhaps the wrong choices, have hurt us.
BTW...my W knows about my A and my AP. We aren't sure where our M goes from here, but being honest with her about felt like the place to start.
Edited 1/22/2010 2:08 pm ET by malepov

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It IS a nice hat, and I promise we won't do
I welcome you with open arms malpov.
Wow! Two men in one day....is there a special going on I didn't know about?? ;-)
Hey MPOV, welcome, welcome. As I said to JAM, men are most certainly welcomed around here; it's just that very few have the guts to post in once they see the mob of women on the other side of the EAS hallway. ;-) I am proud of you for not letting it run you off because in that mob are a bunch of great big hearts, many of which have been badly broken by the big bad A just as your has.
~Iddy~
Thank you for the kind welcome. We are all dealing with pain or loss, and looking for supportive arms and kind words that will help us pull through.
BTW...I love your member name. Clarity is such a gift...it feels liberating to clearly see that whatever feelings of love exist in an A, they aren't the feeling of love that we need to be healthy, confident and compassionate people.
Iddy...
Thank you so much for your reply. I am happy for you or anyone to kick me in the butt and share some tough love...I need it.
You asked me a question and you sensed that I was mincing words so let me tell you this. I have been feeling the emotional sting of the change in contact for a while (~2 months) now. It has hurt, but in another way it's been a blessing for me...a gift that my AP might not even know that she is giving me. It knocked me back into reality and made me keenly aware that this isn't working for me...it has felt great when it was there, but it sucks when it isn't. I want to feel good ALL the time (I want her too, as well). I am resolved that this needs to end, has ended and will result in NC. She is my XAP and my XMW.
Here's the challenge for me. I have been here before. I have been this resolved and yet, here I am again (my XAP and I are here again). The last time was about 2 years ago. I was strong, I was committed to the ending, I was kind, I was compassionate, I didn't allow us to give in to "one more time". Back then we went about a week or so with NC, but then...well, you know the routine.
So, one way I hope to make it different this time is to reach out to people (at least one friend knows what I am going through). It helps to read what others are going through, understand that it hurts for all of us, and know that it will be okay. I need it to be okay; for me, for her, for our families. Reading the boards here has given me a window into the other side and you know what...we are all dealing with the same stuff. Like many women have commented about their XAP, I figure my XAP is just blowing me off and going about her day without a care or concern for me or what's happened and will easily move on to her next A or return to her marriage (she never left).
I know that it doesn't matter (but it does).
I am trying to so hard not to care (of course, I do).
Screeching halts suck (but they are inevitable).
So, let me echo some things you said. I am going use these as my mantras as I deal with the challenges of NC.
Affairs are not the road to travel if you want a happily ever after love story.
Affairs are a cop out, an addiction, an escape from our real life issues.
My actions weren't anything to be proud of.
I compromised my values and my emotions, by having to sneak around with an unavailable person.
I just went through my first weekend of NC (of course, with some slip up at the beginning of this week upon returning to work). Over the weekend, every time I thought of my XAP I told myself simply,
"You need this to be over. In order to be happy you need to let this go".
I will do my best to continue to share my story as it evolves. I know that there will be bad days. Today was one of them, until I turned up here. You, and the others who replied, have made this a great day for me.
Thank you so much.
Me (better than my real name at the moment)
BTW...I am feeling a bit hesitant to reply to some of the posts I see here. I would love to offer some words of encouragement for the women that are struggling with this. I see that they are in good hands, but would love to hear your thoughts on whether some replies from a man would be supportive.
"BTW...I am feeling a bit hesitant to reply to some of the posts I see here. I would love to offer some words of encouragement for the women that are struggling with this. I see that they are in good hands, but would love to hear your thoughts on whether some replies from a man would be supportive."
I think your posts would be helpful and supportive. I, for one, would appreciate your input, irrespective of your gender, not because of it. You seem solid and insightful; your thoughts resonate with me. Thank you for posting.
Cheers,
Dee
Wow, another man! I knew ya'll were out there,
Me, ;-)
You asked whether some replies from a man would be supportive..."Oh, heck yes." We encourage newbies
~Iddy~
MPOV,
You post comes at a very good time for me.
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