Another point of view from a man
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| Wed, 01-20-2010 - 2:04pm |
I have read the posting from justanotherman here, so I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring. Be easy on it...it's a nice hat.
I came the the EAS boards as I look around to perspectives and points of view in ending an A. My AP and I have been involved in this for more than 4+ years now. It is clear to me this it has ended, but we seem to be doing the usual dance. We've done it before.
She is a MW with a child and I am a MM with a child. The story of our A is probably pretty typical...discover someone you work with, feel an instant attraction and not being strong enough to say no. Like most A's, my AP and I felt like we had found our new best friends and our soulmates. We work together so it was the typical routine of e-mail, IM, phone calls and stealing whatever time we can to be together...on business trips, in a car, even in the office. We indulged the fantasy of each of us getting a D and being together. Is anyone surprised that 4+ years later we are both still married? Nothing atypical, I am sure.
I know this is a forum for women, but as you think about the healing that comes after an affair, consider that the man hurts too. My AP and I have had our rocky moments in our relationship, but also have found a reason, or a way, to continue it. It's clearly not healthy for either of us, it doesn't really "work", but we had kept it going. Recently, she has had to spend more time focused on other priorities ( her son and her work ) and has had little time for me. It has taken such an emotional toll on me. I reached out to her to explain and give her a strong indication that I needed more, but she didn't respond to my outreach. I know that isn't healthy for me ( or her), that it is a clear sign that it is over, but still she tells me that "her feelings for me haven't changed". I know it is time for both of us to move on from this and I am trying to have the courage to do so. I know that it will be a positive things for both of us.
Right now, we have LC, but I know the pull is there. I have had to remove her from all of my social contact lists, just to keep myself from having the urge to reach out. I still check my e-mail constantly to see if there is a message from her (probably out of habit), but am committed to not sending one. It sucks to feel needy, but LC makes one feel that way doesn't...for the man too.
So, on the other side of an A, whether an EA or a PA, we aren't all JAMs. I know that I am in love with my AP and I know that she is in love with me. I am trying to treat her heart with kindness and not torment her as she deals with whatever loss she may feel from the end of our A. I am trying to find a way to ask her for the same, because her notes to me leave me confused and feeling that I made a mistake in pushing for this to end. Perhaps I misread the signals she was sending me and that she would have been happy for this to continue...and we all know how easy it is to feel that the right answer is to re-engage.
Anyway, that's my story for now. I'm not asking for sympathy, but I'd appreciate help in understanding. I don't blame her for our involvement, I know why we made the choices we did four years ago. I know that our attraction for each other was real..as was our affection and our love. I see now, though, how much those choices, perhaps the wrong choices, have hurt us.
BTW...my W knows about my A and my AP. We aren't sure where our M goes from here, but being honest with her about felt like the place to start.
Edited 1/22/2010 2:08 pm ET by malepov

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Welcome to the boards malepov. I too am interested in hearing the other side of the story. Like you, I felt my AP just went about his day without giving me a second thought. It's nice to know that he may be feeling just as lousy as I am. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean its nice to know he may have cared after all.
So yes, pull up a chair, join the party and post away. We promise to take care of your hat. :) There are a ton of insights on this board to help you through this dark and difficult time. It's not an easy situation for anyone - male or female. I've only been here a short time and I am starting to see how helpful these boards really are.
Cheers to you for diving in and facing the truth about A's and how they can leave you feeling really awful. Good luck!
I am just posting a little word of caution: I think it's important to not treat the men on this board as though they are the 'voice(s)' of our xAPs. I think this could be potentially confusing, and outright challenging & destructive to how some women are framing their experiences in order to move forward. I also recognize that for others, it may be helpful to the healing process ... I dunno, just had to put that out there.
My 2 cents.
I hope this came out okay.
Cheers,
j.
CSN
Thanks for the encouragement to continue to share my thoughts and point of view. I can totally understand the need and want to stay angry at your XAP; I have been given advice that I should do the same. For me though, the anger won't work and here's why (BTW, I can only tell you what went through my mind during my A. We JAMs aren't all the same after all).
I was, and am still, in love with my XAP. I know that to be true and I know that she was/is in love with me. I don't think that we were playing each other. What developed between us was real, but it was wrong, inadvisable and painful. I have absolutely no doubt about that.
I also have no doubt that we were not feeding each other lines (I know that this happens to many people). I recently went back and read a lot of the email we sent each other (I know, BIG mistake. Yes, this JAM cried), but I know that we were sharing ourselves with each other. I know that we were both in a place, where we desperately wanted to feel attractive, interesting and desired. You know the words; about all the things we weren't getting in our marriages. I am sure you can hear them in your XAPs voice. I know that we were not lying to each other (the lie was really to ourselves). I know that each time we spoke (email, text, im) of how important we were to each other, how much our love meant, how much we couldn't wait to be in each other's arms, how much we longed to make love; it was real. But the thing is, it wasn't based in reality, honesty or self-understanding. As we all probably know by now, the A is just a mask for things that we are afraid to face and own up to.
We both said the right things, tried to do the right things, tried to act the right way, but in the end we really were unavailable to each other. Every "right"thing was actually "wrong". To me, that's a tough realization.
The other thing is that I know that we are both responsible for the decisions we made to get involved. It jeopardized us both. Of course, I have all the same feeling you probably do about my XAP being stronger than me emotionally and dealing with this painlessly, but I know that she is hurting (reading this board confirms that).
For me, feeling compassion for her sadness and struggle, much of which lead her into our affair, will help me to heal. I know that this doesn't work for everyone, but then, it hasn't really worked for me yet; I'm just starting my journey.
I am going to try to stay present here. Being here today has been a huge help to me. Each of you is so special. I really do feel thankful to have found this.
ME
Jodi,
I totally agree. I am not that. I am just one guy who is going through this struggle and knows how much it sucks, hurts and messes with us.
While I am here, I will do my level best to be respectful of what you said. If I can share something that comforts someone, I am happy to do that, but I will also be mindful of your caution.
Thanks for the reminder.
Me
I could have written your post. When I first came here three months ago, I struggled because I felt nobody felt as I did (and as you do) re: the X and the A. I didn't identify with the bitter and angry feelings that most felt towards the X. I ended my A _because_ I love my xAP, and one does not put the ones she loves in harms way. And I'll admit a huge part of my resolve to maintain NC is not only because of my needs but because I cannot stand the thought of doing anything that would impede HIS healing progress. I also empathize keenly with his pain and struggle and feel pity and guilt that I contributed to the mess that got him to that place. Moreover, I firmly believe he is maintaining NC because feels the same about me and I find a lot of peace and comfort in that. I feel like a victim only of my OWN making; and he is the victim of his.
Ending an A purely because of the wrongness of the A, irrespective of the feelings for the AP, should be enough.
Thank you for posting.
Cheers,
Dee
N_S
Thank you for sharing your comments with me. I promise to post openly, but also with kindness and understanding of the women here.
Something in what you said was such a help to me.
"Males are just conditioned differently than females in dealing with sadness, pain, and hurt."
I don't disagree and I am sure there are studies and evidence of that. However, here is what I thought when I read that...
"Each of us, as individuals, are conditioned differently to deal with sadness, pain and hurt".
I think it is important that we understand that it is different for each of us. We learn from others and feel encouraged by the support of others, but we each have to put that into our own understanding of how we heal, and what we need to get there. What do I mean?
As I was driving home from work tonight, I was having a conversation (out loud, but to myself) with my XMW apologizing for never giving enough, for giving her the feeling that I was never getting enough, for never following through on our fantasies and for ultimately being unavailable. I cried the whole time. I felt like a sap, but it also felt so healing to me. I wonder where that conditioning came from.
The other thing you said about "indulging the fantasy of being together one day". UGH, ain't that the worst? I know that the addiction to the fantasy is one the key part of an A; something better, if only....
Why the heck is it so easy to be deeply committed to the fantasies we CAN'T have, but so hard to indulge the fantasies that we CAN have?
Welcome malepov :)
Wow... this is the million-dollar question for me right now:
"Why the heck is it so easy to be deeply committed to the fantasies we CAN'T have, but so hard to indulge the fantasies that we CAN have?"
There is another male that posted last at Christmas, I think his screen name is PauseForThought, I am actually wondering where we went and how he is doing. Anyone know? Anyone remember if I got the screen name right? He has been AWOL....
He was a great asset to the board too. Happy to have you here! Please stick around!!
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
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