Another point of view from a man
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| Wed, 01-20-2010 - 2:04pm |
I have read the posting from justanotherman here, so I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring. Be easy on it...it's a nice hat.
I came the the EAS boards as I look around to perspectives and points of view in ending an A. My AP and I have been involved in this for more than 4+ years now. It is clear to me this it has ended, but we seem to be doing the usual dance. We've done it before.
She is a MW with a child and I am a MM with a child. The story of our A is probably pretty typical...discover someone you work with, feel an instant attraction and not being strong enough to say no. Like most A's, my AP and I felt like we had found our new best friends and our soulmates. We work together so it was the typical routine of e-mail, IM, phone calls and stealing whatever time we can to be together...on business trips, in a car, even in the office. We indulged the fantasy of each of us getting a D and being together. Is anyone surprised that 4+ years later we are both still married? Nothing atypical, I am sure.
I know this is a forum for women, but as you think about the healing that comes after an affair, consider that the man hurts too. My AP and I have had our rocky moments in our relationship, but also have found a reason, or a way, to continue it. It's clearly not healthy for either of us, it doesn't really "work", but we had kept it going. Recently, she has had to spend more time focused on other priorities ( her son and her work ) and has had little time for me. It has taken such an emotional toll on me. I reached out to her to explain and give her a strong indication that I needed more, but she didn't respond to my outreach. I know that isn't healthy for me ( or her), that it is a clear sign that it is over, but still she tells me that "her feelings for me haven't changed". I know it is time for both of us to move on from this and I am trying to have the courage to do so. I know that it will be a positive things for both of us.
Right now, we have LC, but I know the pull is there. I have had to remove her from all of my social contact lists, just to keep myself from having the urge to reach out. I still check my e-mail constantly to see if there is a message from her (probably out of habit), but am committed to not sending one. It sucks to feel needy, but LC makes one feel that way doesn't...for the man too.
So, on the other side of an A, whether an EA or a PA, we aren't all JAMs. I know that I am in love with my AP and I know that she is in love with me. I am trying to treat her heart with kindness and not torment her as she deals with whatever loss she may feel from the end of our A. I am trying to find a way to ask her for the same, because her notes to me leave me confused and feeling that I made a mistake in pushing for this to end. Perhaps I misread the signals she was sending me and that she would have been happy for this to continue...and we all know how easy it is to feel that the right answer is to re-engage.
Anyway, that's my story for now. I'm not asking for sympathy, but I'd appreciate help in understanding. I don't blame her for our involvement, I know why we made the choices we did four years ago. I know that our attraction for each other was real..as was our affection and our love. I see now, though, how much those choices, perhaps the wrong choices, have hurt us.
BTW...my W knows about my A and my AP. We aren't sure where our M goes from here, but being honest with her about felt like the place to start.
Edited 1/22/2010 2:08 pm ET by malepov

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I have been very hesitant to post here because I have broken up with my XAP over and over again and I did not want to feel like a "fake" on this board so I have tried to stay away until I knew how I really felt.
JL,
Welcome to the board and thank you for posting. May I suggest that you start your own thread because your words and thoughts will get lost in this thread. I want to see you getting the support you need. Congrats on ending your A and you are right. Not all AP's react the same when an A ends. Some just go on their merry little way and never look back. When I ended my A
~Iddy~
JL,
I agree that not all XAPs feel the way I feel, but I wonder if that is really because of their gender. In my case, my XAP is a MW and I wonder the same thing; why doesn't she care more?
It is a huge step to realize what your XAP felt for you and using that to help you know that the right thing to do was to end the A and have NC.
I didn't get much sleep last night as my mind was preoccupied with the sense that I've made a HUGE mistake in ending my A. I replayed so many conversations and blamed myself for not being more available to my XMW. I wondered why I didn't respond more strongly to all the things my XMW did to make herself available to me. I struggled with the idea that I am losing my perfect companion because of my actions, or lack of actions, that caused her to feel badly, distant and disconnected.
Here's the thing though, which Iddy reminded me of, in one of her responses; A are always wrong, always. Whatever the circumstances of the APs (M or S), we are allowing ourselves to get involved with someone that isn't completely available to us. This might be more obvious when the AP is M (or the APs are both M), but my sense is that this is always true in an A.
From what you describe, your JAM was emotionally unavailable to you. You didn't describe the circumstances of your A, but I think you are making a huge step by recognizing that.
It's a rainy cold day. As I look out the window, the bleak grey
PFT,
I am so affected and honestly touched by what you wrote. I've just gone back and read some of your prior postings. They are going help me to own up to the crap that I have created in my own and my XAPs (XMW) life. Having an A is ugly, deceitful and destructive. I know that so clearly now and suffer for ever thinking I could do it differently. I lied to my W, I lied to my XMW and I lied to myself. There is no way to rationalize it. It was wrong.
I hope that you continue to heal.
MPOV
Edited 1/21/2010 3:29 pm ET by malepov
I am an extremely strong-willed, independent, free thinking, educated man, and this BS had reduced me to a barely functioning child.
There were kids, ex-husbands, husbands, out of wedlock babies, miscarraiges,
Well, that's the point of this entire EAS section isn't it?
I don't remember typing the word "healthy" anywhere.
A relationship built on sand.
Destination heartache, and a downward spiral into misery.
Remember I'm out the other side looking back. I'm reflecting on the circumstances. I didn't know about any of this until I was in deep, then I tried to get out. Some of those things existed before the relationship started, and some happened during the relationship. I have no doubt some of it is still going on now.
These boards are littered with warnings about what happens to people who enter into affairs.
I don't read many postings from happy people.
Then again...... every cripple finds
Wow pft, you convey your pain in such a profound way. Definitely a warning to others who are out of an "A" to not go there again...ever! I never knew that level of detail in my "A" because he kept a lot of that from me and I thank God for that everyday. Reading your post is validation that I dodged a bullet by not knowing the details. I see now that recovery would be sooo much harder if I did.
I feel for you pft. Healing is a process and it sounds like, even though you are in immense pain, that you are healing. Sending peace your way.
kw
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