Another Rough night

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Another Rough night
8
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 10:32pm
Just needed to come her and vent and cry. It has been another rough night with H. I don't know what is worse when he is being mean or when he is being nice. I have to say this roller coaster is worse than being in the A and what those emotions were like. Maybe I am just feeling it more because I am fighting for my life.

I have not been saying much to H but I have been just taking care of the kids and the house. I have been cooking, whereas before H would cook or we would eat out. I have even been planning meals and preparing ahead of time so that there is less H has to do. H used to do more than 1/2 of all the household things and now he hasn't done anything. One thing that hurts so much is that H is so secreative lately. His wallet and cell phone, were always left on the counter, not anymore, heck he won't even leave his cell phone on the counter charging when he went to get ready for work he took it with him. But I remind myself as much as it hurts me, I did the same thing to H during my A and now I just have to keep my mouth shut in order not to cause a fight.

To help me with what the counselor wants for the joint session I have been spending time just sitting and typing. I did an outline of everything major that has happened since H and I have been together. Then I have all of these different pages on the different events with what was happening, to how I remember feeling, this way I can go back and add if I feel like it or remember something. It is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I am determined that I am going to have something to say in that session. I am determined that I will get everything out in that session because in my heart I feel that one session will determine if H and I have a future. I know there are going to be some of you out there telling me to be patient and not to lose hope but just seeing how H reacts to me, how he looks at me, I am really beginning to believe what he says, he has no feelings for me and it scares me beyond what you can imagine.

Last night I went out with a friend with some of her other friends, nothing late just a pocketbook party. When I was leaving, the hostess (I know her casually) gave me a hug and thanked me for coming, you know just that simple jester meant so much. I think that has been one of the hardest things to accept that I don't even have anyone to give me a hug. The fact that I am all alone, isolated. There is no one to physically hold me and tell me that I will be ok. I know I have to depend on myself and I really am not having self pity it is just moments like tonight that I have a tough time.

Well I think I will go and try to do more on those pages. Talk to everyone tomorrow and thanks for listening.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:00pm

DAF, I know from your posts how lonely you are feeling now...as well as how much remorse and regret you have for your affair even happening....


Please know that I am including you in my prayers and hope your patience with your husband will be rewarded with a renewed marriage that succeeds for both of you.....


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:10pm
Hello Daf

I see know reason to tell you what you already knoe "Patience and don't give up hope"

Hubby is on his own emotional rollercoaster ride thus his emotional swings, but I am sure you know this as well already.

I will tell you one thing though, real LOVE and HATE cannot be turned on and off quickly, real Love takes a long time to die, you agreed with me when I said to USD that her emotions are going to come back with a vengence because she has buried them them, I think the same is true for your husband.

There is a reason more then 80 percent of people that leave there marriage due to an affair end up regreting it, I think most discouver that they have misidentified there real feelings for there spouse once the anger/pain/confusion has started to recede they start to understand that there love for there WS was just hidden under all the emotional rubble.

Time has the potantial to be your best friend in all this, the longer you and hubby stay together the greater possibility that his anger and pain will start to recede and he is going to find his love for you is still there.

(((((HUGS MANY)))))

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:18pm
Thank you, both of you. I hate when I have those awful weak moments, just sometimes after pretending and putting on an act (especially for the kids) I get tired and let my guard down. And yes Free I remember patience it just seems hopeless. Remember that mean and nice thing with H, it happened again this morning and I only saw him for like 1/2 an hour. His mother's bday was Friday, of course H didn't get her anything, not even a card, so I did it yesterday. He was suppose to go over there yesterday but didn't so this morning I asked if he was going over today and he said yes, when he got up. Then he asked me if I was going with him. I just sat there and looked at him, I told him if he wanted me to I would, he said he didn't really care, he was going over there and not staying. I told him we would see what time he was going to do all of this. He said that him and DD would go and it was ok if I didn't, I told him lets see because the kids have been playing in the snow and might not want to go, he said ok.

So this is what I thought all morning, I can't go it would just be akward because H told her everything. Then I thought I can be the bigger person and I would go even if it kills me. So right now I am up in the air and I will see what happens when H decides to go and what the kids are doing.

I am still working on the counseling thing. I am scared and worried about that session. I am scared and worried about H's reaction, heck I don't even know what to expect at the session. I don't know how it is going to go, I don't know how these joint things work. Any advice from anyone. Does the counselor direct the session, ask questions, make suggestions? Or is it like individual sessions where you talk and you direct the conversation? I know I shouldn't be getting worked up about it, I should just see what happens, but that is easier said then done.

Thanks again I am trying with the Patience and staying strong. I think I will go and clean something.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 4:37pm

Marriage counseling is different then IC. In IC you are allowed to vent all you want, using the counselor as a sounding board. Eventually it is hoped you will hear what you are saying, and begin to reflect on your personal issues rather then outside influences.


In marriage counseling the counselor is there to direct open and honest communication between the parties. She will, or should, stop any blaming, pointing fingers, and hurtful attacks on each other. Instead she will encourage each of you to express how an issue made you feel and/or why you responded to something the way you did. It's harder for her because she needs to protect one part of the couple while encouraging the other to figure out what something is truly about.


So yes, her place is to control the conversation, and direct it toward a productive outcome without anyone being abused in the process.


An hour will go by very quickly. Your laundry list of reasons for your A will likely be quickly discarded and she will attempt to get to the crux of why. And she will ask questions meant to help the other person understand what is being said. Then she will try to help him express how he feels about everything. Allowing him to safely vent will release a lot of the pent up anger and resentment he feels. Essentially releasing some of the pressure you are feeling in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 8:25pm
Thanks Someday, it helps hearing and at least being partially prepared for that session. I have been working on what she told me to and right now I am doing an outline to bring with me. As she told me on Thursday, unless we are both honest these joint sessions will do nothing. I am hoping that H will get to that point because so far there are very important issues that he has not told her about, while I have told her everything. Right now I have to trust in her to do the right thing. And yes she did try to prepare my on Thursday that she does not guarantee any specific outcome and I must be prepared, she told me it is going to be really tough for me but it is her last appt of the day so she wouldn't be rushed if she sees I need her after.

Cross your fingers for me and have hope for me. I will be around here all day tomorrow and then update everyone tomorrow night after the session.


DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 9:27pm
hi there Daf--

Nothing to add, except that I send you my thoughts, support and best wishes!!!

Good luck and I will be watching for your update :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 9:33am
((((((((Daf)))))))), my thoughts and prayers are with you and I sincerely hope you had an okay day yesterday. Please post with an update as soon as you have a chance. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 10:58am


Hi Daf,

Just wanting to say good luck today, let us know how it went. I have been praying alot for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Many Hugs

Lady bug