Ante up more than promises - is she gone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Ante up more than promises - is she gone
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:28am
IS SHE REALLY GONE FOR GOOD? For a year now, my former husband has made repeated reconciliation attempts while going back and forth between another woman and me. I finally gave up and went on with my life. My ex husband of two years recently invited me to dinner and proposed reconciliation. He told me that he loved me, missed me, realized that he needed me in his life, that no one could replace me, and that he wanted another chance. He admitted that he had never really tried, and offered to do the following things: 1) Talk openly about what had happened, 2) Attend weekly counseling for as long as it takes, 3) Sever all contact with the woman he's had an on again/off again relationship for the past year, and 4) Make himself completely accessible to me (no disappearing, being home when he says he will, giving me open access). He did change his locks, his phone number, his alarm codes and security gate codes and got rid of everything of hers. He did indeed break it off completely with her (but he's done so in the past and went back to her). He seems more realistic and admits to his role and mistakes, but I am having a horrible time emotionally with this. I really did love him and would like to try to make this work, but am terrified of getting hurt again. He feels that everything he is doing is tangible enough to deserve another chance. I am not so sure. I feel like he needs to ante up something more than words and promises and small actions. I want him to risk something. I know that may sound selfish or demanding but I've been hurt so many times. I feel like he is still free and clear to walk away at any point without loss. What is fair of me to ask for? Should I even be doing this? Can you ever rebuild trust after multiple affairs and an entire year of his going back and forth between me and this other woman? I was moving on and dating and feeling better about myself. Now I find myself feeling frightened and unsafe and insecure. I know trust and rebuilding takes time. I do love him. We do have something special together. We have been with eachother for almost eight years now and keep coming back with the realization that we are the ones for eachother. Am I insane? What do I have a right to ask for? What should I do?

Scared in Texas
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:38am
Yes trust takes time..Words mean ZIP..Watch his feet. He has made it clear he wants to stay with you by his FEET not his lips.

Did he screw up? Yes. Can people change? yes.We have a guy here who engaged in multiple afairs and CHANGED direction.

Find resolve in your OWn heart what you will and will not accept in life.

Determine what you would do if he did this ONCE again.

Realize that accounatibility starts with HONESTY. he must be able to be HONESt when he feels distance between you and YOU must be willing to HEAR honesty.Get counseling.When it stings that is JUSt hwne something may be coming oout IN you you need to HEAR. A boil needs lanced at time to get stuff OUT THEN healing occurs.

Hang in..hang on..and work hard..and if you see him EVER do this to you again, get OUT.

He will be a once a cheater always a cheater type..and if he isnt that type ULTIMATELY he was a once a cheater type too often for YOUR life.

Draw tour boundaries..stick with them..tell him NO contact...NONE.. with ANy woman he ever was with..NONE and stick to it.

God Bless and Hugs:)