Anxiety of feeling rejected
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| Mon, 01-24-2005 - 9:58am |
It's been 4 days NC. I am hesitant to celebrate b/c he left Friday to spend a week with his family in another state. So he hasn't the opportunity to try to call/email and beg for it not to be over.
He comes back Saturday. I hope I can prepare myself this week for all the possibilites that can occur when he returns. What happens when he tries to call and call and call to see if I once again have changed my mind? OR What happens if he doesn't try to call at all? The second...is my bigger fear. Because that is when the anxiety of "feeling" rejected will nag at me. It will taunt me! I will feel uneasy. At this point, I realize it is about control for him. He wants to see if I will continue to make a fool of myself, shame myself, make my marriage into a joke...etc just to serve his ego/his wants!
When I first came to this board....when someone would say...celebrate the small steps you take and in time you will get there. I was like, "yeah right!" Because I wasn't ready to let go. Now, I understand. Yesterday, he crossed my mind, but I stayed busy. I was able to listen to a "love" CD without crying. I was able to think of my DH and when he called...I was fully there to interact in the conversation. I was able to tell him I love and miss him without feeling like a total liar. I am getting better and realize the power of my thoughts. When I concentrated on my feelings...how much I cared for him, how much I missed him is when I would go back to the A. Not this time. Those are simply emotions based on a lie. I do not know him well enough to love him. I do not know what he's really like to miss him. But...I know myself and missed her so very much.
Thanks for listening.

Hi Sunshine-
As you know I am there with you. It has been 8 days NC today which for me is a lot. I usually throw an email or text out here or there but nothing. I actually had the talk with MM and he endedit so no room for confusion there. But feelign rejected isnt the worst part. I guess evey A is different but I know it was more my fault. I was pushing for more and actually I didnt even want more.
Anyway, the best thing you can is take ecah day and yes celebrate the small successes. Those are the little motivators that get you thru the next day. I am going to need a lot this week b/c I am feelign a little too confident. But yes..be happy for all the little things you mentioned. They also make you see what you dont want to go back to!
Good luck and best wishes
Bria
Bria-
<<>>
After a couple days of thought, I would send an email saying I don't want this to be over or something to that affect, but not this time. In my moments of weakness, I have thought about it, but I will not act on it. I noticed those moments are brief and they do pass.
Are you single? Has he ever tried to end it before?
I am here for you if you need to vent.
SS