Anxious thoughts re how A ended

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Anxious thoughts re how A ended
4
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 1:08am

Today I have started having anxious thoughts, and are feeling really flat about, the way everything 'ended', and it started after reading some older posts. I am now Day 12 complete NC.

Basically, things had been going up and down between xAP and me during December, trying some days with NC, seeing each other, him telling me again that I was the love of his life, then on Dec 12th deciding that we'd have several weeks of time 'apart' to just cool things down. A few days after that, while on holidays with my H, I confessed the A as the burden and guilt ended up becoming way too much to bear. I had to call xAP to tell him H knew, I think he went into 'shock' (he believed it would always be 'our' secret) There was then some more texting and a few phone calls after dday (him texting me on NYE's to tell him he had to see me real soon cos he missed me so much then a phone conversation two days later with me being 'strong' and saying I was committing to my marriage) over the following four weeks, with the day before complete NC involving a phone call with us both saying how much we missed each other - he said he was heartbroken and had accepted that I had chosen to stay with my H, marriage and kids, he was so incredibly flat. That night I knew I had to send a short and brief email to xAP to tell him NC forever cos I just KNEW that the temptation to try 'being friends' in the future was way too much. And my H would never have been able to deal with that anyway.

I sent the email in the morning, and during the day I received three contacts from him (didn't reply to any of them). A text that was pretty angry, asking me to plz plz not contact him cos he was "over my headf'ing games and "now we are strangers at your request". An email reply from the email that I had to send to his work email as well as his facebook ( just in case), which said "please don't send this s*&@ to this email, have some respect the same as I have". About 4pm I also got a phone message on my voicemail, him yelling at me basically saying "you're the one that has been f'ing contacting me, and to just LEAVE ME THE f@#$ alone". My H believes that xAP was angry because I had taken some sort of control? I believe that xAP's hurt and pain manifested in anger....

My mind is playing so many games today....my xAP has been dealing with depression for the last 5 years, spent his early years in an extremely disfunctional environment etc. I am feeling guilt over all that stuff (do I need to explain?) and I keep thinking that if only we had just 'ended' things in a much better way then I would feel better, ie. face to face and 'letting each other go' with care and love. I feel as though now there is just so much pain and anger and that seems so overwhelming at times.

Don't worry, I am not planning to break NC to change anything now, I just would love some advice as to how to deal with these thoughts that are wreaking havoc in my already depressed and anxious mind. I'm sooo looking forward to feeling better and getting through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 5:54am

I am new here just trying to get it together myself.....But from what I have been reading. It doesn't matter how it ended, its over don't worry about him take care of you.
loveless

PS I am not really new, just took this long to realize my situation is no different than anyone else......I opened my eyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 10:48am

Bestrong,


It's understandable to be consumed by guilt because after all, you are human. Last week there was a lot of guilt posts right here on this board. Unfortunately, there isn't a whole heck of a lot we can do about it other than working on forgiving ourselves. I'm sorry if I don't remember, but are you in IC? You've

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 4:16pm

Iddy

Thank you again for your words of wisdom. Needed so much...
Yes I am in IC, have been for the last five weeks. That hour each week seems to go incredibly fast! I will talk with her next Wednesday about this issue also, along with the myriad of other things that there always is to get through...
I really want to work on thought changing behaviours - something I realised last night is that I have been such a 'gonna' person for a long time...you know, saying I'll do this, saying I'll finish that, saying I'll clean up a particular room and don't get it done. So I will start working on that, writing things down to remind me to get things done. And I'm hoping that will also flow into my thinking and I will make a POINT of actually attempting to change some destructive thoughts that I am continuing to have.
Honesty with my H is on the top of my list at the moment, and that is probably one of the easier things to work on right now. He is being so supportive and 'there', I am blessed to be getting this second chance. It just ANNOYS me so so much that I can't give him any more than what I am right now - I want to, but those depression symptoms (among so much other stuff) are such a big barrier.
This is all so overwhelming, the 15 years of our marriage before the A were so 'easy' and 'normal', now there is just this huge chasm of pain and hurt, anxiety and depression. Facing things about myself that hurt so much and make me just want to crawl into a hole alone.
Sorry for sounding so negative, NC two weeks tomorrow and was hoping I would feel a bit better than what I am - maybe I'm hoping for too much! It's hard too because my husband goes away for work (7 days on, 7 days off) and he is away at the moment. In a month he begins a new job which will be 14 days on, 14 days off and I so want to not feel like I am at the moment when that starts!

One thing that I know was the right thing, was telling my H all about the A, and coming clean re contact after dday and before going complete NC. That was really hard to do but at least they are not secrets between us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 4:32pm

Hi Bestrong,


Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.