Any Oldtimers lurking out there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Any Oldtimers lurking out there?
2
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:00am
I'm just wondering how things are going for those of you who used to post frequently on the board but may only be lurking now. Maybe your "success" stories will be helpful to those that are hurting on this board now. I have been out of my ema for 6 months. Things are not perfect in my marriage, but they are calm and consistent. I am much more relaxed than I have been because I no longer have to lie. There are still some issues I need to take care of (physical, blood tests) in order to put this whole thing behind me (this will happen on March 30th, I am terrified but it has to be done). I also still think about him everyday, and they are not great thoughts, but they help me stay committed to the here and now and strengthen my resolve to never "stray" again.

Too the new people here....you will make it through this....many of us have and you will be no exception. Hang in there, keep your chins up amd move forward every day!!!

Hugs to all of you,

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:12am
Hi Karry....I am an old timer....i guess you can say that I am. I lurk occasionally to see if any of my old buddies are here. MY EMA ended in november and it was the most painful experience of my life. Like you mention I am more relaxed...at peace I guess. No more lies, no more bull. My marriage is still the pile of crap that it was when my EMA started...but I have changed. I am stronger...I am focused...I no longer expect my H to be someone that he doens't know how to be.

I want all the women suffering here to know that it does get better. that an EMA is really a deadend, someone gets hurt no matter what the outcome. Yes there are those that leave their husbands and marry their lovers and live happily ever after, but someone gets hurt in that situation. As far as being the OW, I ca'nt identify with that because I was the one that was married in my EMA. But why set yourself to just get crumbs from a man and then complain about it? Why wait for a man to leave his wife....why be the mistress...go out and grab life by the horns....If I was single I would be demanding the most for myself because I know my worth. Unfortunately I don't have that kind of choice. I am married with children and have to put my needs on the backburner.

I pray for everyone here every day. EMA's can't be that wonderful, just listen to these women's stories and hear their pain. The Betrayed Spoused board is filled with pain also. It is just crap all around and it makes me so sad.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:22am
Hi Karry,

I'm an oldtimer, but I tend to pop in quite often. Part of healing for me is having the need to "help people". I don't generally start a post, but I do like to reply. It's so much easier to be outside the circle and see what is going on. This board was a huge crutch for me when I ended and now I want to help. I also visit another board, which is really helpful for me in understanding this whole mess I had gotten myself into. I think it's a stepping stone to complete forgiveness of myself.

My H and I are doing better than we have in years. We do so much together now. I have heard people say that when they are away from their spouse they miss them, I never could figure that one out. Well, it is happening to me. I miss my H whenever he is gone. I think my A made me realize what I could have lost had it continued and it was found out. I appreciate my H more now than I ever have. We always have had a communication problem and that is changing for us, too. I actually enjoy talking to him now and it seems like we have so much to talk about. Our conversations in the past use to almost turn into power struggles. Both of us seem so much happier. We are actually heading to Hawaii in a few weeks, just the 2 of us and I can't wait. I use to dread time alone.

My A wasn't sexual so I don't have any health issues to worry about, but the psychological part really stunk. I tend to hang on to things forever and I have learned to just let so much go. Maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long if I didn't have to see XMM at work and around the neighborhood. I don't find myself thinking of him very often anymore. I also have a hard time remembering specifics of the A. Many times I feel like I had a failed attempt at an A and not actually an A. The more time goes on and I look back at it, it was quite pathetic.

I still have guilt creep in for the lying and sneaking, but that too will pass.

So for the new people here, it really does get better.