Any other angry husbands out there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Any other angry husbands out there?
15
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 5:25pm

I need some suggestions on dealing with a very angry, very hostile husband.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 7:30pm

Big hugs to you.

I hope that you can hear my words - I hope that they can ring in your ears louder than your husbands. I hope you can trust me - even though i am a woman who is a stranger. Here goes ...

Your H is behaving abusively. There is a difference between being angry and hostile and being abusive. I strongly feel that he is tearing your apart and it is serving no purpose. You are the mother of his children, and if he was a client of mine, I would be asking him if he loves his children enough to take care of himself so that he can treat you with the kindness and respect that you are entitled to as the mother of his children. There is a big disconnect here in his thought process - how is he loving his children by being emotionally abusive, and I worry that he is actually on the verge of being physically abusive to you. Children need their mothers to be well, to be well. Him destroying you as a person will destroy his children. The best he can do for them is get himself into therapy and ensure that he supports the children AND you in being as well as possible in an unwell situation.

You made a mistake - a mistake that often has really awful consequences. I think as the person that caused the hurt, it can be difficult to give yourself permission to set healthy boundaries for yourself. I remember feeling so unworthy of feeling happy, or thinking no matter what ever happened, I would have to be okay with it because what I had done was so unforgivable. I was fortunate to have a H who is a counselor specializing in working with abusive men. I never had to endure that kind of response to my actions. Instead of ripping me apart, he moved out and worked his butt off to take care of the kids so that I could get myself better. He didn't pressure me to leave the A - but he did partner me in understanding that the A was hurting me.

You see, we all have choices, and your H is choosing to unravel - and instead of removing himself from the home so that he doesn't cause further damage, he is keeping you terrorized. I understand that 21 years of marriage is a lot to walk away from - but maybe for the time being that is exactly what needs to happen. Sometimes situations are too risky for all involved to try and work through while the rage is still raging. What purpose is it serving? What good can come out of his behavior? What does he think he is accomplishing?

You need to take care of YOU so that you can take care of those kids. He is an adult. He has to get his crap together or I would get out of there with the kids. You note that he rage is getting worse - I am worried about your safety. I am worried that you feel too beat down to protect yourself. Protecting yourself now, taking care of yourself now is NOT selfish. It is necessary.

I urge you to think about some self-care that you can do. Who can you connect with? Who can support you in your real life. Who can you tell about what's going on? Do you have someone you trust?

Keep swimming, I am so concerned.

Please take care and keep posting. I hope others will jump in here and offer you some further support & advice.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 9:20pm

TU,


Thank you, thank you for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 1:37am

Hi Keepswimming,


A belated welcome to EAS. TU has given you some very, very good advice and suggestions. My DH left after D-day because he was hurt and explosively angry and did not know what he was capable of. He told me before he walked out the door that he would be filing for D. For two weeks, he would not speak one word to me directly and we only communicated on necessary subjects like kids/household needs via a third party. In hind sight, the separating was the best and safest for all involved.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 10:27am

Hi Swimming-

I wanted to chime in here as someone who went through a D-Day and my husband was also very verbally abusive for some time. He NEVER was this way before. What a did was let him vent - get it out - and I really just heard them as words, not the truth. I knew he was talking out of anger and I knew these statements were untrue. I say this now because it was over 2 years ago and at the time it was very difficult, but I still, deep down, knew I was good person who made a mistake. Like you, for 16 years I had been his loyal wife and a great mom (stayed at home) to my kids. NO, one bad choice does not erase all the good. Of course not! Would you ever say that one GOOD choice would erase hundreds of bad choices a person had made over their lifetime? Of course not, so don't be so hard on yourself. He may even want to check out the betrayed spouses board, he can relate probably to many on there.

The advice you have been given about separating is good, especially if you think you may be in physical danger. I knew I wasn't. And I also knew if I told him to leave he would have gotten angrier. Like "You're the one who had the affair, why should I leave?" Would you be able to leave your children if he wanted you to move out?

As far as it getting worse at 6 weeks out....think about the "Stages of Grief" post, have you seen that? It's in the healing library, I will bump it up. At first it does get worse for a while, I know it took a couple of months before it started to level out, then start to get better. 6 weeks is not that long, he is past the disbelief stage and probably beginning the anger stage - which is a good sign as far as progressing.

I am not telling you to stay - I just wanted to chime in as someone who has been through what you are going through and did stay together with H. I let him say things...it wasn't easy, but the key was I knew they were just words out of anger and hurt....NOT the truth. Just words, and you don't believe them. He never disrespects me anymore, our marriage is actually better now than it was pre-A. MC helps. But again - TIME is what is really needed here. HE needs to go through the grief stages too. The previous posters gave you EXCELLENT advice also, so you have some things to think about.

Good luck, it is very hard, but you both may come through this stronger than ever...please put yourself and your children before anything else though. I think you are - just remember....they're only words - that doesn't make them true.

LFT

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 12:11pm

This behavior is normal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 1:12pm

This must all be very confusing for you Keepswimming - there seems to be varying opinions on whether or not this behaviour is 'normal'.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 2:29pm

TU,


I just wanted to hi-jack this thread for a moment to commend you on always being alerted to the safety of the many women who post here. I know from your background in working with women who suffer abuse, you key into words like “escalating.”


My DH also has training in domestic violence as he encounters it on his job. Being a BS, he can certainly relate to the hurt—angry—devastating feelings having worn those shoes, however he has also seen through his job and even right here in our own neighborhood what can happen when a spouse’s anger spins out of control.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 4:10pm
A huge thank you to all who replied to my post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 11:53pm

Dear Keepswimming,


May each day brings

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 1:41pm

Swimming...

I understand 100% how you feel. I went through the same thing with my ex after my A was discovered. He behaved in EXACTLY the same way, maybe even worse. The only difference between our relationship and yours is that we had no children, and he, himself, had cheated long before I ever did. And he had neglected me horribly in every way before it happened, which is exactly why it happened. But everything else was the same. He would berate me verbally all the time, told me nobody would ever want me, would get drunk and wake me up at all hours of the night, hurling every possible insult you can imagine. One time poured an entire can of cold beer on me while I was sleeping. It was an awful, awful time. So I understand how you feel.

I wish I could be more positive for you and tell you that everything will work out. It didn't for me. We divorced. Do I think that he had the right to treat me the way he did. NO! Especially considering he was no angel. But do I think I should have had an affair, despite what I was feeling at the time? No to that, too. Affairs are just so wrong on every level. I understand why it happened, but I just wish it hadn't. My husband wasn't perfect...far from it. But I did love him and wish things hadn't turned out the way they did for us.

I have come to the conclusion that there are some men that just cannot handle infidelity. When a man cheats, it's like people sometimes act like that's normal, understandable, what men do. But when a woman cheats, it's like we're sluts and whores. It's a double standard. It's unfair. But it is the way it is sometimes.

I wish I could say that everything will work out. But I don't know that. What I will say that there is no way that it will work out if outside help isn't brought in. I believe your marriage could stand a chance if you go to counseling. But your husband has to be willing to do that. I know you're in a tough position. I feel for you. Keep coming here for support and let us know how you're doing.

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