Any Tips on keeping NC?? This is Day 1
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Any Tips on keeping NC?? This is Day 1
| Tue, 11-23-2004 - 8:16am |
xMM and I had the big one last night on the phone. It was awful. Why should I care what he thinks of me?? But I do.
Any tips on how to keep NC? I know the first 3 days will be hell.
Thanks for the support, I love this board, I have learned so much from all of you.
Hopeful

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Hope
1)Keep busy, then get busier.
2)make a list of way it needed to end and read it often or anytime you want to contact him or he tries to contact you.
3)make a list of all the nasty stuff he has said or done to you or any nasty fallout from the affair and read that for the same reasons.
4)write your feelings down when the get out of hand or post them here, also read many many posts.
5)image were your future will end if you do not stop this once and for all, how much pain can you take.
You can do this believe in yourself.
Free
While I don't have helpful advice on how NOT to break NC, I can tell you what breaking NC will do to you.
Imagine how crappy you felt after your last conversation w/ XMM - now imagine feeling that way over, and over, and over again! IT SUCKS!!! Trust me, as a 'serial breaker' I've been down that road one too many times!
For me, I have felt the need to start seeing a counselor to help me get past the A. I have stopped drinking and going out w/ "just the girls" as these seem to be the times I contact my XOM.
Good Luck - I think you will find posting here helpful too!
Diva
hi hopeful..
diva's right....after more NC breaks that i can possibly count during the last 5 years, i FINALLY realized that....when you break NC, absolutely nothing is different than it was before....NOTHING....EVER.....it was always exactly the same....all of the misery was still there....all of the reasons i began NC in the first place were right back in a minute.....that's the only thing that finally got me to stick to NC.....every time i even thought about it for a second over the last 3 months, i just remembered the pain i felt whle we were together, and remembered that it was THAT PAIN that caused me to end it....and if i started it all over again, that pain would be back in an instant.....i know that's true, because i went back and forth so many times.....the addiction drew me back to him each time, and somehow when you're apart it seems that you can handle whatever it was you couldn't handle when you were together....but why do we think that?....we haven't changed, they haven't changed, and the situation hasn't changed....nothing is going to be any different than it was before....that's the reason not to break NC.....so please, do yourself a favor, and save yourself from the vicious cycle of breaking NC and then starting it over again....because it's guaranteed that if you wanted to end it before, you're going to want to end it again, and from my experience, and many others i have heard, it just gets worse each time......
you're on the right track!!....keep going!!....try not to look back....one day at a time....each day of NC is a day further away from the insanity of it all....and closer to you reclaiming your own life again....good luck!!
Dear Hopeful,
I can only offer my own feelings & experience.
nicerwon
For me, it has really helped to do research into affairs. To try and understand what I was feeling, why I had even chosen this relationship in the first place and how to eventually walk away. Reading really helps. Actually the other day I went to the bookstore and flipped through the book 'He's just not that into you' I might be a little off on the title, but I think that was it. It really gave me the strength to take a few more steps away from the pain of ending an affair. I have also read books on breaking up and as I said affairs. It all helps.
Posting helps to - not just writing your own posts, but responding to others. You'll find that everyone asks similar questions and as you respond to other people, you find your own answers. Stepping away from your own situation can shed just the light needed.
Lastly I'd have to say that you also have to find a way to stop thinking of the affair. To just tredge ahead and put time and distance between you. Break the habit of contact and the familiarity won't be as intense. It really will get easier. I live in Canada, and when you have to walk anywhere in the cold, its just not fun. The best way to do it sometimes, is to put your head down, walk as fast as you can and try to think about anything but the cold. You eventually do get there and often you are surprised at the end of the walk how fast the time really did pass when you just refuse to let the uncomfortable feelings get to you.
You can do this!!
Thanks Crystal
I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, but kept email contact until 2 days ago. I ended the email contact with a long phone call (terrible...me crying him angry).
He then emailed asking for a chance to start NC on a positive note...that was 5 emails ago...I have responded to 4. MY last email saying that was it, no more. He then wrote on Thanksgiving he wants to send the "longer" email at a later time since it will be his Final impression (for a while)his words. He said he will send it right away if it is causing me pain to wait, he just wants it to be insightful and reflective, and he has been so busy he hasn't had time to be either.
I NEED CLOSURE. This is just one more tactic to keep stringing me along right?? Yet, stupid me wants him to have time to reflect on our relationship and say what he really means...I am thinking maybe he is testing me about NC to see if I am serious.
ARRRGGGGG!!!! I feel like such a loser. I am so very depressed.
Hope
I JUST DID IT!!! AND OUCH DOES IT HURT!!!
I just sent him an email saying I need closer send your LAST email please.
Thanks everybody
Hope
Hope,
I am right there with you. THIS IS SOOOO FREAKIN HARD FOR ME to keep NC going.
HHHHHEEEELLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!
How are YOU doing????? Hanging in there still????
I am researching like mad here....to make some sense and know I am doing the right thing even though I feel like curling up into a ball and crying for the next three days.
I can't my 2 kids need me, my mom spent the day with me, she was worried about me...and had a right to be....God, I hate him now...selfish bastard....but I love him more than anything and if he told me it was over with her tomorrow I would believe it (with divorce papers of course).
Hey...I found this in my search it was good for me to hear may help someone:
From Ask Barbara (a Phd in Marriage and Family)
Q: SHOULD YOU CONTINUE AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN WHO WON'T LEAVE HIS WIFE?
For three years I've been having a wonderful, loving relationship with a caring and sensitive man. He is everything I've ever wanted, but there's one problem--he's married. He says he doesn't love his wife anymore, and but can't leave because of the children, who are four and seven years old. My friends think I'm crazy to put up with this, but I know in my heart that he feels more married to me than to her, and I'm willing to wait. What do you think?
What do I think? I think your friends are right. I think you’re kidding yourself. I think you’re setting for someone else’s leftovers. I think you’re going to wake up one day feeling used, ripped off and betrayed.
A: You say this man is everything you’ve ever wanted, but you are forgetting one important qualification--he isn’t available. I don’t care what he tells you or what you want to believe. The reality is, he is married to and living with someone else, and doesn’t intend to leave. Do you get it? He isn’t yours. (See the COMPATIBILITY section for why you would choose unavailable men and what “available” means. It’s no accident that you ended up with a married man. )
As for your fantasy that he is married to you “in his heart”, that’s a bunch of you know what. Look around...do you see him living with you? Do you hear him introducing you to people as his beloved? Are you wearing his wedding ring on your finger? Do you recall him spending Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years with you? No, because “in his heart”, he’s right where he decided to be-- with his wife and children. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you. He probably does. I’m not saying he doesn’t fantasize about leaving everything for you. I’m sure that’s something he struggles with. But the bottom line is that you are his mistress, not his wife.
Any woman having an affair with a married man with children needs to realize one thing: you are making it so easy for these guys to have their cake and eat it too--why should they mess up a good thing and leave their wives and kids? After all, this way they get to have sex with two woman (don’t believe it when he insists they’re not doing it any more--they are!) ; they get to avoid breaking their children’s hearts; they get to look like the good family man to their friends and relatives and elude the disapproval divorce would bring; they get to avoid paying alimony and child support; they get to stay in their comfortable home instead of moving into a tiny apartment; they get to control the game.
As for your illusion that he’s waiting for the kids to be older, forget it. First it will be, “I can’t leave this year--Jimmy just made Little League”. Then, “Sally’s going through a hard time in school this semester, and a break up would upset her too much.” Then, “Jimmy’s at that age when he wants to be with his Dad all the time...a divorce would devastate him.” Then, “Sally’s just starting to date. If I leave now, she’ll hate me and hate all men, and it will scar her for life.” Then, “Jimmy’s friends have been experimenting with drugs. I’m afraid if I leave his Mom, he’ll go downhill.” Then, “Sally just got engaged. I can’t ruin her happiness with a terrible announcement now.” Before you know it, you’ll be sixty-five years old, and your lover will be asking you to just be patient a little longer, and wait until after the next grandchild is born!
My advice: End this relationship now. Do the honorable thing for yourself, for this man’s wife and family, and yes, even for him. Do some serious work on healing the emotional wounds you are carrying that lead you to believe that you don’t deserve all of a man’s love. Get back to a state of integrity and respect with yourself. If this man leaves his wife and wants to be with you, then you can go forward together. If he doesn’t, you will be free to find someone who you don’t have to share with anyone.
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