Any Tips on keeping NC?? This is Day 1

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Any Tips on keeping NC?? This is Day 1
15
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 8:16am

xMM and I had the big one last night on the phone. It was awful. Why should I care what he thinks of me?? But I do.
Any tips on how to keep NC? I know the first 3 days will be hell.

Thanks for the support, I love this board, I have learned so much from all of you.

Hopeful

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 4:25pm

OMG - I am going to copy and paste that in an email to myself, along with a link to this BB to turn to whenever I feel like emailing and contacting him

THANK YOU. The Grandchild comment literally made me feel like vomiting.

I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I am strong enough. I think you are a few days ahead of me. It's really really hard. And the thing is, the bad part is, that I feel like the last impression he has of me is that I hurt his feelings with my being sort of harsh. And I just hate leaving things like that. But I don't feel like crumbling and bowing down and apologizing either. Because I don't genuinely feel sorry in my heart. Because I really didn't do or say anything THAT bad, ya know? Just STRONG.

Really, that grandchild comment really did something to me. I gotta re-read that over again each time I get weak.

Geez, I hope people don't mind my posting so much during this incredibly difficult and stressful time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 4:40pm

Tappy

I have lots more where that came from want em???

I have been crying most of the f#@$$ing day....my husband (he is moving out next week) is being so very supportive and even knows how upset I am about the NC....he says this is good because it will help us know what we want in our marriage without xMM interfering.

I also do believe xMM loves me, but wants to be a cakeman. Why wouldn't he?? As Dr. Phil(who I know is obnoxious) says "YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU".

Well let this be a lesson to me that I will treat myself with respect, even if the dicipline of NC hurts like hell....well so do sit ups and lunges..but it's the only way I lose my gut and fat ass.

I am also teaching the xMM that I am someone who is deserving of love and respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 4:49pm

Thank you. You have no idea how much your messages have touched me. No idea. Just to even know that there is someone out there in a similar situation! I give you so much credit. You are way far ahead of me, and I admire you.

Yes, I would like to read them very much. Could you post them?

I still want to hear from him.... is that bad? I want to but I know that I shouldn't..... I think it really has to do with how it was left, because I feel so misunderstood - he interpreted my being strong as being mean and nasty. But I really DON'T want to apologize, I feel as though I have apologized enough to him already.

I'm really in a difficult place right now. And I really should focus on my H and kids more, H and I talked about ending our marriage but we want to try to stick it out a while longer.... and MM (what's MM stand for?) is sort of confusing me because if H and I split up, and I am left alone, I want to be happy with being alone, with my decision.....without MM

What's a cakeman?

I gotta start watching Dr Phil and Oprah... I never saw either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 5:36pm

discussion title: Cakeman - Dr. Roger A. Rhoades
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message #: 14275.1
from: mefreenow
date: Oct-8 10:49 am
replies: 3
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Cakeman - Dr. Roger A. Rhoades
There is no telling how many men at any given time are cheating on their wives. To get an accurate reading would be almost impossible. You would have to ask men about something that they normally lie about and then expect them to tell the truth.
Probably the best way to get an accurate reading is to ask men how many of them feel they have been driven to an affair by their wives. I am sure men would be more than glad to own up to being a victim of circumstance and not having been the bad guy in the situation.
As long as men keep looking to blame someone or something for their infidelity, women will be lost on how to change their cheating ways.
It is hard to say how many men get into a marriage for all the wrong reasons.
· They want to have someone to have their babies.
· They want to fit in with other people in their social circle.
· They want to have someone to be at home with them, now that they no longer live with their parents.
· They want someone to take the place of their mothers and baby them.
No matter what the reason, some men do not get in a marriage to be faithful. These men see their wives as the next step on the ladder of adulthood. They have become unable or unwilling to keep up the pace of single life, but do not want to give up the thrill of the chase.
These men are what I call Cakemen.
Cakemen are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. These men do not leave their wives. These men stay with their wives and date someone else at the same time.
They like the fact that they can have someone stable at home, taking care of business, while they continue to play single guy with other women.
They have no real desire to leave their wives and move on to someone else, unless their activities are discovered.
If they are discovered, many of these Cakemen dump the girlfriend and stay with the wife, only to go back to cheating once the dust has settled.
In a man's way of thinking, staying with his wife makes all the sense in the world.
If he leaves his wife, then they will have to split up their possessions as well as their bills. In many times it takes a man several years to recover from this.
On the other hand, if he keeps the wife, he gets to keep his lifestyle going with only a minor glitch. The minor glitch is that he will have to act like he is real sorry, dump the old girlfriend, wait awhile, and then go back out and find a new girlfriend.
One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day to day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship.
When a man has to see a women everyday and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility.
Having a woman on the side allows him to play two different roles at the same time. In his mind the pressures of married life can be released by having a sexual relationship with someone else.
In his marriage he can play responsible man and co-decision maker, while in his affair, he can call all the shots and be the lord of the relationship.
The second major reason a man becomes a Cakeman is to keep the feeling of being a player.
When a man gets married, many times he sees himself as being caught or conquered. It is now time for him to go out to pasture and be used as a stud service.
In his eyes, he is slowly, but surely becoming his dad. His days of being a major competitor are over. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would make a man feel old before his time.
One of the easiest and most available ways to feel young and in the game is to get into an affair. Now he is desirable. Now he is a man's man.
He is now feeling young and, even though his conscience might be bothering him, the thrill of being a player certainly outweighs those negative thoughts.
The final reason that men cheat on their wives, but don't leave them, is that it is a safety net.
Very few men get excited about a full blown gamble. They want to believe that they at least have a 50/50 chance of winning. If there is any way to stack the cards in their favor, they are going to do it.
This is the thinking behind having a wife and a girlfriend. If for some reason a man's wife is unwilling to be affectionate when and how he wants, then he has his girlfriend to take up the slack.
If a man wants to be the center of attention and the mister know-it-all, but his wife deflates his ego, then he can go to his girlfriend for a good dose of hero worshipping.
It is not just the wife who gets the short end of the stick, the girlfriend also suffers. At some time, most girlfriends who have heard a man say he hates his wife will entertain the subject of divorce or even marriage.
When a Cakeman is confronted with this issue, he is able to make excuses and fall back into a dilemma of commitment or what is the "right" thing to do. This position successfully keeps the girlfriend at bay for fear that she might lose him.
The sad part of all this behavior is that seldom if ever does everyone come out on top. Usually one or more people suffer deep, long lasting wounds from this type of situation.
Some women are unable or unwilling to trust another man after being with a Cakeman.
These men also suffer from this type of behavior. They never really grow up and take their place in a responsible society. They fill their lives with lies and deceit, which in the long run affect their coping skills and their performance on a job.
Women are putting their lives on hold in hopes that their Cakeman will finally leave their wife and make them the center of their lives.
Finally, if children are involved, the destruction is unbelievable. Counseling offices are filled with children who either caught their father with another woman or had to live in a family where lying was the major form of communication.
The best advise is to play your life honestly. If a relationship is over, then bury it. If you are in a marriage and have met someone else, think before you act.
The emotional stability you save might be your own!


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 2:20pm

Reading though this thread has helped me alot. I'm sorry I don't have any advise for you, as I am going through the same thing right now. The last thing I said to him Friday night via instant message was "see, this is the situation YOU created for me, I want to thank you again for that, it's good to know you love me so much". Then I signed off and haven't spoken to him since. That was in response to him saying something that reiterated the pain he's caused me, something that is on-going, and there is no end in sight for it. But, it was something he definately had in his power to put a stop to, and didn't, and still hasn't.

I know I need NC, but it's complicated by the fact that we have mutual friends, and worst than that, the four of us (his spouse and my spouse) are all friends. It's an impossible situation. I'm trying to come up with excuses for everytime my husband says "lets do something with them this weekend". What the hell did I get myself into anyway.

I keep fooling myself that I can get over the relationship and still be friends. But I can't, because whenever I am faced with the situation that is responsible for me breaking up with him, I become angry all over again.

There was alot of wisdom in this thread. I will keep coming back to it for support..and I wish you continued success in getting through this difficult time.

Hugs,
Hurtpup

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