Anybody else NOT hate xAP?
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Anybody else NOT hate xAP?
| Fri, 02-19-2010 - 5:21pm |
Today is day 4 NC. WOW! A little better every day; it is nice not to be chained to the cell phone…waiting for it to buzz in my hand….or watch the computer for a flashing tab indicating that I have a new message!
So, this is hard because I don’t hate my xAP, and I don’t feel any anger towards him. Well…not too much. We both went into this A with the expectation that it was going to be just sex. I am the one who let my stupid feelings get involved. He is single and lives on the other side of the country. Most of this A was conducted online, on the phone,

Hi loopy ((hugs!))
I can empathize a lot with what you've said here, well at least in the sense that I don't 'hate' xAP/xMM. There are some differences in that I'm the S one, and we did fall in love (or, felt like we did) and he was the first to say it. It was way more of an EA than a PA. He said all of the things that your xAP didn't (that he wanted to be 'legit' with me, that he was thinking of leaving, that he felt/thought he could 'give it all up' and be happy with me, etc etc) and while I suppose I could hate him for those lies, I don't. Because I have to own-up to the fact that I believed him, I let myself believe a MM who could lie to his Ws face that 'nothing was going on'. In the fog, I didn't see that. Well, not mostly anyway...every time a 'close call' came what I wanted for him was to use it as a spring-board to either get on with it and 'fix' his M and address those issues (and subsequently let me 'go') or to end it. But, he did neither. And while I saw the red flags, I continued on. So, I can't blame him or be mad at him for the things I believed. Does it irk me and make me sad/frustrated that he 'said all of these things' but never acted in accordance? Of course! But then part of me thinks 'how can I be surprised? I mean, really?'. Unlike some others, I was never left days without contact...during the A the most we would go without contact was 6 or 7 hours. Also, I wasn't the only one who would think/ask/text 'what's up?' if I hadn't heard from him for half a day, if he didn't hear from me he would check in to see if everything was ok. He wasn't a total jerk to me. Did he tug on my heartstrings and say things to keep me going? Withhold some information because he knew that if I 'knew' I would probably walk? I'm sure he did. But, I can't hate him for it because I lied to myself as much as he lied to me. Was I honest with him with what I wanted out of things, how I felt? Was I open with my friends and some of my family about the whole thing? Yes. But, I for sure lied to myself just as much as he ever did in order to make it all feel 'okay'. Now...I think I got a bit side-tracked there :p What I'm saying is, though the situations were quite a bit different - I don't 'hate' xAP, it might be 'easier' because then I wouldn't miss him this bad, or still want 'him' this bad, or feel like I love him. So, I hear you on that. But then, maybe I (and you?) are not far enough out to have reached that anger stage. I seem to veer back and forth between sadness and acceptance...I 'know' it's over, my head does. But, my heart hasn't quite clued in yet.
Either way, ((hugs!)) keep taking it a day at a time.
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
loopy,
Good you came here, good you are venting here. Your feelings are typical at this point. Hugs. Sorry that you are having a tough day.
ok now, I do not have a lot of time, but i wanted to respond. you do not have to hate him, but you should not "like" him either. He is a lying cheat, I am assuming you were the other women or you too are married...either way, just because he did not promise you the moon and the stars does not make him any better than the other MM on this board. Whether you knew or not, you both engaged. and whether he knew your feelings were getting involved or not, I do not know, but men can be pretty clueless. The point is whether he knew or not, it probably would not have made a difference. he probably does not care.
u also said he never lied to you....hmmmm, do you really believe that? I mean seriously, u think he was honest with you...again, perhaps he did not offer you the moon and the stars...but I find it hard to believe that there was no lying going on, an affair is a lie.
"An amazing weekend he would never forget", mesmerizing??? come on!!! this is manipulating at its best. he is making you feel just special enough to keep you around for his convenience. U think that is ok? that is him toying with you.
do u not think you were used? i am not trying to make you feel bad or worse, but you need to ask yourself that question. have you asked yourself why you would see and give yourself to a guy that is unavailable...have you asked why he would TAKE all that you gave and not give you much in return?
this statement was difficult for me to read from you " he never promised me more than he gave me"
Why would he? you were fine with the little he gave and he thought you were game for whatever....you made it easy, he did not even have to tell u much, you just went with the flow from the sound of things,
Please forgive me if I am wrong, but if I am on, I hope I gave you something to think about. You need to be your number one fan right now and seems your still his number one fan. That will not get you too far out of this A, nor will it ease your current pain.....sorry to be harsh but I am being honest. Hugs to ya and I will be back later to check on you and/or if you just need to talk or vent further..
Luvin (sincere)
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi
NC since 2/4/2010
Hi, Loopy and all the other non-haters:
I don't hate and never did hate my xAP. I'm 3.5 months out of A and have been posting here (a lot) since day 1. Do an advance search for my post and read my story, if you like. It might be helpful to see where you are now (where I was then) and where you might be in 3 (.5!) months.
Cheers,
Dee
Hi, Loop~
During my healing, there were times that I hated my xap...meaning, I used whatever feelings I was having at the time to get me through the days and weeks.
I've come to a rest at definitely NOT hating him. Neither of us are bad people, we just made bad choices. We found ourselves in situations that couldn't be changed with feelings we shouldn't have allowed to resurface (he was an ex-bf).
OMG can I relate when you say hearing from him, "I will never forget you," is painful...I wanted my xap to want me still too. When you put it into perspective though, and just believe what he said...? That's kind of a big deal. Just believe him and know that he WON'T forget you. My xap told me "a piece of my heart will always love you" and at the time, I was like, Gee thanks, but now that means a great deal to me, and I know he meant it and that he cared(s) about me. I WAS special to him.
Hang in there!
Free