Anybody else wish...
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| Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:10pm |
they could apologize to their AP's BS and shake some sense into them??????
My A has been over for more than a year - we've had virtually no contact, and I'm happily rebuilding my M. I've become saner and saner since I ended the craziness that living in an A brings, and I can see so much more clearly what a "louse" XMM was in his marriage. I can, if I want, drive by his house very easily because he lives on a main street and its the easiest way to get to some places. When we first broke up, I avoided his street like the plague, was willing to drive miles out of the way to avoid it. Since our A is so over now I often drive by and notice that no matter the time of day or nite, his car is never there. At least when he was with me he was home much more often and taking some responsibility for his family because I needed to be at home with my family. Now, he seems to have just abandoned ship.
Since I haven't had any contact with XMM, it could be that he did bite the bullet and file for divorce, but knowing as much about his marriage as I do, I doubt it. His wife seemed content to settle for him showing up at home occasionally. But I'm not sure that she really knew where he was or who he was with, even though he told her that he was involved with another woman.
So where is all my rambling headed? During the past year as I've come up for air I've started to feel so much guilt and shame about my conduct in the A. I'm so incredibly sorry to XMM's wife, and although I have no intention of contacting her, I wish I could let her know telepathically how little he cares for/about her. Although I'm guessing she probably does know. I don't know what else to say, I feel sorry for his wife. I'm sorry for the role I played in messing around with her H and driving a deeper wedge between them than already existed (not happily married when we met and he told me that he'd been divorced for 6 months - which wasn't true!) even though I know that if it hadn't been me it would have been some other OW and I'm sorry that he can't even be man enough to divorce her and suck it up financially (he made really, really poor career and financial decisions) to support her.
Or do you think that some BS don't really care how pitifully their WS's treat them - it's still better than divorce????
Thanks for your thoughts. This has really been nagging at my spirit and I need to know that other OW's feel the same or have felt the same in the past. Thanks, as always, for sharing your thoughts, Mo.


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I know XMM's wife. My A ran concurrently with a friendship we developed between the four of us (in very bad taste I know). The way I view her and their relationship was this..as long as he loves her and doesn't leave her, that's all that matters. She's not very attractive and has gained some weight (in which he had always complained to me about) and he is attracted to very beautiful women. She knows he looks at other women, she even knows he flirts, but she is so secure in the fact that he'll never leave her, that it simply doesn't matter to her.
But do you know the fantasy I've had..and it's not about telling XMM's W, but rather warning the fiance' of the new girl that XMM has set his sights on (the one that caused me to end it). I wish I could tell him to keep an eye on his woman when it comes to XMM, but of course, I can't. That would send a clear message that I've been involved with him. Still, I wish there was some way of letting him know. And I think you all know that it's not because I care about that guys relationship with his fiance', but rather because I want XMM to lose her attention. I don't think he feels the full extent of our breakup because he has her to soften the fall. That's vindictive, I know, but like I said, it's only a fantasy. I just want him to hurt like I hurt. I guess that's normal. But never would I ever say a word to his W, I'm very fond of her and wouldn't want to destroy what ever it is they have..he's doing a pretty good job at that himself.
In a word, NO. I don't wish I could apologize to any of the men my xMWs were married to. I knew most of them and they treated their wives like dirt. Enough that they became OWs.
I believe that in the majority of cases that both marriage partners contributed to creating the situation where one of the partners is feeling justified in looking outside for relief from the marriage. For the rest of the cases, it seems that some men and a few women thrive on the thrill of illicit sex and go out hunting for it. In that scenario I often wonder why the BS doesn't have an inkling that their spouse is out catting around.
I can relate to feeling the guilt. My ExMM's wife called me during the A, she said in a very polite, kind voice, "I'm sorry to bother you, but your number has shown up on many times, can you tell me who you are?" I lied...like a coward and told her I was a work colleague of her H. She clearly sounded embarrassed and apologized, then asked me not to tell her husband. I told her I understood fully, that I'm also married (which is true). After she hung up, I called MM and told him of the conversation. He said, "WTF is she doing going through my phone bill?" Then he added, "I need to handle this right...In a couple of days I'm going to tell her that I was told of the phone call, and that is was a stupid thing to do that humilited me in front of co-workers." My stomach turned over.
I not only horrible that I had another woman pleady with me to tell her the truth, here is this man I honestly loved, being so cold and calculating using this to his advantage.
This was not my first A, and I believe it will be my last. Everytime I believed the lies about "she doesn't show me affection anymore", "I just need to feel needed and wanted and desired by a woman", etc. And of course, being in a bad marriage myself, and looking for "love and affection" elsewhere, I believe them. I was too gullible to see that they could have a Stepford wife at home, and these sorry excuses for men would still cheat on them.
I will always hear that poor kind voiced woman begging me "Please....just tell me the truth and I won't bother you again."
Edited 3/21/2005 8:06 pm ET ET by another_evolution
AE, Not to mention "sorry excuses for women". My point being that for every cheating man there is a cheating woman (at least in a heterosexual affair)(single or married, the other knows they're with a cheater)
See the thing is, Noregrets, that I can't fathom what was in this woman's head. She KNEW he was out with me, that he was involved with another woman. Since I've never spoken to her I have no idea what part of this unhappy marriage she owns, but I'm sure she owns some. Looking back on my many conversations with XMM about his wife and where and why his marriage went south, he seemed to be focused on the fact that after she had their DD she was content to just stay home and take care of her instead of continuing to go out partying. Pretty crazy of her, huh????? She let her appearance go a bit and was very low on energy.
I think the major problem with the XMM lay in his refusal to grow up. He couldn't handle commitment and didn't want to live in reality. He was a pure escapist. My observation was also that he was unwilling/unable to put true effort into anything. He had a few hobbies he was very passionate about, but he was unable to keep them in perspective. Meantime, he had a remarkably low work ethic and was pretty content to do the bare minimum to get by. He was always coming up with hair-brain schemes to get rich quick, investing what little disposable income he had in some crazy idea, making grandiose plans for the future that would in all likelihood never come to fruition. I don't know whether his wife knew that when she married him or if she did know, whether she thought/hoped he'd grow out of it.
So maybe more than apologizing to her, I'd like to smack some sense into her. But that again raises one of my original questions: Since she knows about his infidelity, and they're struggling financially largely because of his poor financial/career decisions, why is she willing to put up with it????? Is it possible that she just loves him and that's enough????
Perhaps its time to take this to All Sides.
It really was a little of both; seeing how "cold and calculating" he could be and how he immediately saw how he could use this to his advantage against his wife, but also to hear another human begging me for answers.
I wonder if we (allow?) end up believing the lies we are told about the marriage being all but over for the MM, and we can somehow justify it in our minds. "The marriage is over for them, as it is for me, if we are careful, no one will get hurt." But someone always gets hurt, don't they?
Over a five year period, I was involved in two A's. One friend knew of them, and she would keep saying, "If their marry is over, why don't they leave?" Both cases I explained they were "staying for their children". She said, "Well if they are staying for their children, don't you think they should put this much effort into his marriage, as he does chasing you? And why is he telling this family that he is at a business dinner, instead of meeting you for dinner? Wouldn't he want to be with these children he claims to love so much?" At the time, I didn't want to listen to her, or believe her. Now, however, I realize there is a lot of truth in those words.
I have gotten over the fact that the A's ended, but that woman's voice will stay with me forever. And maybe it needs to.
AE
evolution,
<<<>>>>
I just wanted to comment on this sentiment b/cause I find it to be painfully true. I think that the people that are inclined to be unfaithful are in fact going to stray regardless of having a perfect husband or wife. I think that the cheater tends to over-inflate the flaws of their spouse in order to rationalize to themself that what they are doing is "not so bad". Every small defect in the marriage such as a wife's low libido, or bipolar disorders or even my husbands bad temper becomes a valid reason to cheat on them. To have a connection w/ a better more suitable and needs fulfilling partner. And the fact that we tell our affair partner just how bad our H/W is, is just kind of a way to make them not feel so bad about being our co-conspirator. It also in some cases I am sure is a great tactic to keep someone hanging on w/ false hope of a future more serious relationship. The empty promises of divorce are just that in most cases EMPTY. We like our stability at home even if it is not what we feel we deserve out of life. That is what we are used to. But it makes more sense to the world if we say "my W/H is so horrible...I need love...I need you and this great connection we share" Instead of saying "I have really low self-esteem. Please become and stay involved with me to make me feel young and fun and Oh yeah,...because I want to have sex on the side too!"
Just my quip for the day!
~nuttmeg
Interesting post, noregretsever. With the first A, I didn't see myself as some "home wrecker", because I didn't feel I was "one of those of women". I wasn't trying to take them away from their family, but saw it as a unique friendship. These were just average men who seemed as lonely and starved for affection just like myself...or so I thought. And I was convinced that no happily married family man would look unless his marriage was beyond repair. I don't consider myself dim witted by any means, but the fact my 16+ year marriage was over in my eyes, definately clouded my judgement.
Looking back, I know exactly why I got involved in the A's, and have come to terms with those reasons. The only thing I have difficulty getting past is the phone call from his wife. This was not the miserable b!tch he made her out to be, but a frightened woman who loved her husband, and didn't want to lose him. That is a regret I will always have.
AE
I guess my XMM was in the minority on the wife-bashing issue. Maybe because I know her? Who knows. It was very rare if he ever said anything bad about her. Probably the worst thing he has said about her was that she had put on weight. But he never used excuses about her or his M to justify why he was in this A with me. Early on, I'd ask him why he was doing this if he claims to still be in love with his wife and that there were really no problems in his marriage. His answer almost seemed that he wasn't admitting even to himself that he was "cheating". He never voiced concern or any type of guilt over what he was doing (alarming huh). The only justification I was ever given by him was "I'm selfish". Wow, was that ever the truth, but at least he knows it.
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I think I have this tattooed on my forehead, because I keep attracting men that want to have A's. Aside from the two I've had, there has been numerous other offers in which I easily turned down. Scary how many there are out there..Like ghosts, I can see them more clearly maybe because I had become one of them. Soon, I hope to be among the living and no longer have the desire to flirt with disaster.
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