Anybody else wish...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Anybody else wish...
17
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:10pm

they could apologize to their AP's BS and shake some sense into them??????

My A has been over for more than a year - we've had virtually no contact, and I'm happily rebuilding my M. I've become saner and saner since I ended the craziness that living in an A brings, and I can see so much more clearly what a "louse" XMM was in his marriage. I can, if I want, drive by his house very easily because he lives on a main street and its the easiest way to get to some places. When we first broke up, I avoided his street like the plague, was willing to drive miles out of the way to avoid it. Since our A is so over now I often drive by and notice that no matter the time of day or nite, his car is never there. At least when he was with me he was home much more often and taking some responsibility for his family because I needed to be at home with my family. Now, he seems to have just abandoned ship.

Since I haven't had any contact with XMM, it could be that he did bite the bullet and file for divorce, but knowing as much about his marriage as I do, I doubt it. His wife seemed content to settle for him showing up at home occasionally. But I'm not sure that she really knew where he was or who he was with, even though he told her that he was involved with another woman.

So where is all my rambling headed? During the past year as I've come up for air I've started to feel so much guilt and shame about my conduct in the A. I'm so incredibly sorry to XMM's wife, and although I have no intention of contacting her, I wish I could let her know telepathically how little he cares for/about her. Although I'm guessing she probably does know. I don't know what else to say, I feel sorry for his wife. I'm sorry for the role I played in messing around with her H and driving a deeper wedge between them than already existed (not happily married when we met and he told me that he'd been divorced for 6 months - which wasn't true!) even though I know that if it hadn't been me it would have been some other OW and I'm sorry that he can't even be man enough to divorce her and suck it up financially (he made really, really poor career and financial decisions) to support her.

Or do you think that some BS don't really care how pitifully their WS's treat them - it's still better than divorce????

Thanks for your thoughts. This has really been nagging at my spirit and I need to know that other OW's feel the same or have felt the same in the past. Thanks, as always, for sharing your thoughts, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:18pm

I have to agree with you, there are those who would cheat regardless. A former female colleauge of mine in her mid 30's had a SM on the side. For some reason, she felt compelled to tell me about him. I knew her husband from work functions and parties they had in their home. He was a very nice looking, fit, loving man. Great to the children, caring and tender to her. I asked her why? That her H seemed like a great guy. She said, "I don't know. There really isn't anything wrong at home, sex is pretty good....this is just a little something to spice up my life. We're careful, he will never find out." I was absolutely dumbstruck! "Just a little something to spice up her life?" She has this great guy who adored her, and she was willing to throw it all away for a little fun?

Cheating is cheating, but if I had a kind, loving, affectionate and sexual husband at home, I would have never been open to an A. Never.

AE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:58pm

hey meg,

i like what u said, a lot of us will attest that its not all sex but i can almost smell it that most of us go for the sex also

flame on

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 7:59am

<<>>

Nutmeg, this is so dead on for me. My DH had some issues and he wasn't perfect by any stretch, but a very loving husband and father nonetheless. I latched on to his defects and totally blew them out of proportion. I villified DH because I wanted to be emotionally "out" of the marriage. I'm very thankful that I came to senses and eventually realized that DH's defects were mostly imagined or overinflated.

But even if my DH's defects were really THAT bad, as bad as I made them out to be to justify my involvement with XMM, would a reasonable-thinking person still resort to an A? I think not. Many people are committed, and remain committed, to their marriage despite all kinds of defects and difficulties, illnesses, abuse (not a healthy situation to remain committed, but nonetheless...). Why is it that some of us, I'm not saying ALL of us, do try to rationalize our A? Isn't it wrong even if our spouse does have some glaring shortcomings????

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 8:44pm

Hey Mo!
I remember you from when I was posting this summer. Glad to hear that you are hanging in there and rebuilding your marriage. I can totally relate to your sentiment. On many occasions, I have actually started out feeling a misplaced and unfair sense of jealosy toward xOM's GF, but that always melts into terrible guilt and sympathy for her. She didn't do anything to me. I took something from her. I would be devastated of my DH strayed...and would be ready to pummel the woman! I had met her before we became involved, but hadn't seen her until he brought her to a happy hour for work (that I had verified he would NOT be attending) and the guilt was unbearable. I couldn't even look at her. I drank too much. I wanted to die. I want her to know that her BF has cheated on her throughout their long term relationship, and probably always will. That jerk needs to be alone. He doesn't deserve a good woman. I wish she could know. You aren't alone. Just wanted you to know.


Love, Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:49pm

Thanks for your feedback, Lily! I'm still trying to fully understand my motives in suddenly feeling anger and disgust about my XMM's conduct in his marriage. Not sure why I care so much, and I'm open to almost any thoughts on this. Maybe its just the reclamation of a conscience after living so long without one.

The really bizarre thing about my XMM's wife is that she DOES know; i'm just not sure she "gets" it, if you know what I mean. I'm afraid that she'd be happy to turn a blind eye to his lack of commitment just to maintain the marriage. Again, not sure why, but I feel so strongly that she (anyone, for that matter) deserves more than this.

Glad to see that you're still hanging in there. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:21pm

"Maybe its just the reclamation of a conscience after living so long without one."


Bingo, Mo. I really believe that is it. I really think I am a good person...kind, considerate, and loyal. HOWEVER, during my A, I justified straying from that. I was more worried about what xOM was thinking, whether he still wanted me, what I meant to him, and what was going to happen next than I was getting caught, or most importantly, WHAT I WAS DOING TO MY KIND AND LOVING HUSBAND OF LESS THAN A YEAR!!!! I put that guilt on hold for months. I justified and compartmentalized everything. "DH's not paying me enough attention, with xOM it's just sex, just a high, this is the last time and then it's over for good. One last time isn't any worse than the other things I've done" Oh yeah, I could justify it all. I spent all of my time and energy obsessing over what was going on between me and xOM. Well, when I cut that lifeline and let

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:11am

I haven't followed your whole story but:-


The really bizarre thing about my XMM's wife is that she DOES know; i'm just not sure she "gets" it, if you know what I mean. I'm afraid that she'd be happy to turn a blind eye to his lack of commitment just to maintain the marriage. Again, not sure why, but I feel so strongly that she (anyone, for that matter) deserves more than this.


Perhaps she's 'using' him - bottom line is he's paying the bills and providing a house for her to live in - that might be enough for her - maybe she doesn't love him but as you're willing to settle for someone that isn't yours 100%, she is doing the same for other reasons. Of course everyone deserves better - you do and so does she, but you've both been willing to settle for less than everything from this man.


MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MS

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