Anybody married with xap single?
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Anybody married with xap single?
| Tue, 01-25-2011 - 4:19pm |
Hi all,
I read daily and still do not feel strong enough to comment or give help as I still seem to be grieving the ending of A.

Hi,
I was in the same exact boat as you.
I will try and respond as best as I can, I am not married anymore so I hope my insight will have some value. If you feel you need to fake being happy with your H don't you think you need to be honest with him? The two of you aren't having a real and honest relationship if one of you is in the dark about the others confused feelings. I don't think it's a good example for our married kids to be shown half truths as well, if you decide to leave at one point it can be seen as a confusing message that everything seemed ok then ended with no real reason. I am basing my reply on what I learned on how I ended my marriage and your situation will be very different than mine. I think continuing with T sessions is an excellent idea and you are right making decisions while still in a fog isnt a good way to make those tough decisions. Do you think you may need to change T's if you fill the fit isn't bringing you to a point of beginning to see some answers? I think also when we ask others what to do it can confuse us further, you need to feel that decision for yourself 100% and own it as your own. Sending you positive vibes and a hug AAI:)
you may not get to the answer for yourself; although in time for you, I hope you'll see that it WAS the best outcome, and that deciding to leave your H could not, nor should not be related to your xAP.
But the one thing you CAN assume, if only from my experience (and some other single other women here) ... is that THEY ARE better off. THEY are moving on, and that THEY deserve a life from the drama, hurt & destruction that an affair brings, and even if you left your H for AP, you know that LIFE would not be any better.
DON'T second guess the decision if you believe you cared about your xAP. They were NEVER the answer ... remember they were the symptom, and it sounds that whatever healing you needed to do before the affair, still lingers.
This isn't about choosing between H and xAP ... this is about CHOOSING YOU, and figuring out what that means. You have listed some very powerful reasons for staying in your relationship, and ones I would give anything to experience again. THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER.
Look for inspiration in your life, and for satisfaction from within. And if you're NOT clear of the affair fog, then perhaps indeed it is time for a new therapist. This isn't a judgment at all, just a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. And not because they tell you what you want to hear, but often because they don't.
Much care,
TU.
I'm going to have to echo TU here, coming from the perspective of the S person. Not that I think you would; but just in case, please don't bring S xAP back into this. I'm more than sure that during the A the S xAP was caught between 'I want this person' and 'but I don't want them to leave 'for me'', I know that's where I was at - because, while I didn't always think about it in a direct way, I knew that it would lead to no good. That the person leaving an M has to do it irregardless of an A/xAP. I think you realize this, that you can't make a fully informed decision until you've healed from your A. While I can't speak to that perspective (since I was S at the time), I have seen that there are others who have been M and once their head is out of the A-fog, they have drastically different views on their H and M. You may find that to the the case, or you may
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
AAI,
my dear friend - I cannot relate to your xAP being single, I I relate completely to your statement...
I stay because of the history that my H and I share and because I feel the need to lead by example to my 2 married children. My question, I guess is,
To all of you gracious ladies who responded: