Anyone Else Ever Feel Like This

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Anyone Else Ever Feel Like This
6
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 6:42pm
Another revelation I have had this week (see other post concerning turning a corner)...is that I believe that OM has used me as someone to whine to about his wife. In some ways, I believe that is what he wanted from me even more than the sex, although he certainly wanted that. But that part is over and has been since last September. Now what he wants is for me to sit and listen to him complain about the same crap he's been complaining about since the beginning. Not that his complaints aren't valid. They are. But the fact remains that he's the one that chooses to stay married to her, to put up with it, to look the other way, yada yada yada. I cannot believe the crap he puts up with from her. There is no way many people would put up with it. She's incredibly selfish, irresponsible, lazy. She goes out at least once a week to drink with her friends and oftentimes doesn't come staggering home until the very wee hours. She throws money away right and left and does next to nothing to help out at home with their three kids. And she's been far from faithful. And not just once. But he chooses to stay in that. And I'm sick of listening to him. Being his "angel" as he has called me. I'm not in the business of rescuing people, and the fact remains that he got far more from all of this than I did. I got a lot of heartache, headache and a broken marriage. Nothing changed in his life. Nothing. Do I sound resentful? Actually, I'm not really. Just a little tired of it all. And glad it's over. Eventually, he won't call me. Not that he calls me all the time, because he doesn't. But eventually, it won't be at all. I know it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 7:21pm
I can sure relate Gal! My exMM is married to someone who drinks too much, who parents too little..and he used me as his sounding board much of the time. There was a time I felt sorry for him and what he dealt with as her husband. And yet all this time later, I think he deserves her if he chooses to keep in that relationship. He, knowing she had this drinking problem, and that he wasn't so happy with her--attempted to keep some money separate in a safe at his work. This was for possible future need-because he had that feeling that it may not be "forever" with her. I could understand because she is full of problems. She came across that money and was so upset that he had money set aside that she kicked him out for a few days. They are now back together, but the issues in the marriage remain the same. I have told him over and over, that he can be a workaholic all he wants, to avoid her. But in the end those kids will suffer. I feel like he closes his eyes to much of it or is to afraid to deal with it all. He has called me an angel, "always being there for him" and yet I can't be anymore. I told him once how funny it was- here I am, someone with pure intention on being his friend and being there for him. Yet it is her-the one who drinks too much and fights with him, that wins out. Of course now I will say that I won out- because I am not dealing with him ever again!!
But I sure can relate. I was once "there for him" because of his awful wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 11:00am

Oh my gosh! Were you and I seeing the same man? Your guy sounds exactly like my guy. His wife is a total drunk. Parties at least once a week, but usually more than that. Coming home at 5:00 in the morning. Hardly helps out with their kids at all. Never does any housework. Is a total slob. Treats him like an employee. Gambles away much of their money. I don't know what the deal is with him. Same thing with me. I was very good to him. Treated him well. Treated him like he was a person. I'm very attractive, nice, successful. But time and time again, he chose her. I'm not talking about choosing her in the sense of who to be with necessarily. I mean choosing her in that I wasn't quite as important. I know he cares about me very much, but for whatever reason, he chooses to stay in that sham of a marriage. For his sake, I hope he can find the courage and strength to get out of it. That's a big part of it, I believe. He's chicken. But whatever, I am sick to death of listening to it. Nothing ever changes. And I'm not his therapist.

Gal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 7:50pm
Gal,
Well we weren't with the same man (My ExMM's wife didn't gamble..but she sure drinks. and he has to "babysit her").. But i think our MM's have problems--because they are so linked and stuck in those marriages. It's sad really. But my feeling is, if my exMM is wanting to live the second half of his life stuck like that--he deserves every moment of it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 2:27am

A thought for all:

Did you ever think that you are only hearing one side of the story? Or maybe even lies?

If he still stays with her and/or goes back to her, how bad can it really be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 4:12pm
In some instances, probably a lot of instances, you're right. People do exaggerate. But because we have a mutual friend, and because I know her myself and know what goes on, this one isn't one of those cases. Everything he says she does is true. But the one area that I do believe that he isn't being real about is how he feels about her. I think he still hopes that one day she will turn around and be the person he wants her to be, not the person she is and has no desire being. This person is not going to change. Not anytime soon. She is not the wife type or the mother type. She's the party girl type. And he can keep having kids with her or whatever, but she's not going to magically change. He would be far better off if he just accepted that and moved on. He's a great guy, and he could find someone that he could be happy with. Someone who would love him the way he wants to be love. Hell, maybe it's the challenge of trying to get her to be what he wants that he likes. I don't know. I do know that they fight constantly over the same things....money, drinking, her staying out all night, not helping, treating him poorly. If that's what he'd rather have...I say go there and good luck. See you 10 years from now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 4:18pm
I agree. If that's how he wants to live his life, so be it. You go there. I don't know if I would have ever seriously run off with him, but I do know that what he had with me was so much more than he has ever had with her. I know it. I know her. I know how she thinks about him and treats him. I treated him with respect and decency and compassion and genuine care. He was somebody to me. Whether any of that would have been enough to have been a couple, who knows. I do recognize the fantasy aspect of all of this. We weren't living in reality. But there were many moments of genuine kindness and feelings. But what happened to my life wasn't worth it in the end. As I said....my life was basically destroyed, his remained the same. She didn't even care. That's how much she loves him. When she found out about us, she didn't even bat an eyelash. And his life remained the same. I do pity him. He has no backbone in the end.