Anyone else told they were not loved by xAP?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Anyone else told they were not loved by xAP?
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 12:03am

Just wondering if any others were told they were not loved, but it was just lust, or something similar by AP?  I see a lot of AP's ended the A but maintained they did love you, but it wasn't going to work/couldn't leave partners/felt guilty etc.


It was indicated to me that it was love, then told "after soul searching, I feel it is just lust for me at this point" so I feel a bit "on my own" with that one!


Sorry, I am just trying to work out where I am and if these boards are right for me, I don't want to piss anyone off by not being strong right now.


It was AP that ended things with me, (EA, didn't get sexually physical) however, he would be up for FWB which I flatly refused.  So, I guess I rejected him too, in that way, but I was not putting myself out there when told blunty it was not love.


UGH, just so confused about EVERYTHING and whether I should even be here!


Dodgie xxx

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 12:45am
Hi Dodgie,
You are not alone. My 1st xap told me many times that he was not in love with me, and even went so far as to say he was not attracted to me. Yet, I kept coming back to him for more lust. And he gave it willingly and took it from me, too. He would tell me he was using me. Hey, at least the guy was honest! So honest, in fact, that he wrote a confessional letter to my H, 2 years after our on again/off again EA turned to PA (fast) started. That was D-Day, the beginning of a new life for me and my H. That will pretty much do it for any further contact with that guy. The 2nd xap professed his undying love for me only one week into our short but intense EA/PA. Obsessive man. I told him I loved him, only to see what it would do to #1 and perhaps get him jealous. (?) oh, the things we do while in the A-hole!! That guy was a blast from my college past and married (oh, how he complained about that marriage)...#1 was single and oh, so available to me. Had the apartment, what a convenient little arrangement for me. He lived (and still may, who knows) only 20 minutes from my house. Thankfully, I have not had the priveledge of running into him randomly around town. I pray I never do, but if I did, I pray I would be sufficiently prepared.

I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated. Please feel free to stay here...there are some extremely good people and tons of support!! It is okay if you aren't strong. Heck, I have been out of this hole for 18 months and I have some very weak moments. Be easy on yourself. This journey out takes precious time...

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 12:47am
And I forgot to sign my

Hearts <3

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 8:40am

I hope you don't think I am trying to run you off.  Your feelings are all justified and valid. 

It's hard to be in a different place in a relationship and find out your feelings are quite different than your APs. This is very common, and actually most of us have been in the same exact place with their own personal feelings.

We think, wish, fantasize that we are on the same wave length, soul mates if you will, and suddenly we find out we aren't.  This usually causes one of the APs to quit.

The difference IMO is that it is all make believe.  It's not real love.  We really don't know our AP in most cases, and do we really even know ourselves?  If we did know ourselves we would know what we are missing in our lives that would tell us why we thought it was OK to get involved when we shouldn't have.  We would know the answer to the question: WHY???

There is so much more to this than Right or Wrong.  It begins with knowing what is wrong with us. Yes, I think there is something fundamentally wrong with us.  

What is it that makes you want to leave your marriage, your children, your family, your friends, your home, your way of life?  It's a REALITY check. you want to have it all?

Having it all, is continuing the A.  It will work for a while, but will it work forever?  It's human nature to want more.  I believe that all A have an ending time and become something else.

Where do you want to go?  If it's with the AP, then that is what you should work for.  It happens everyday.  Couples get divorced, families break up, and homes are broken.  Not many are successful, but some do work.  If this is the true happiness for you, then this is where you should be headed.  Working towards it.  Doing whatever it takes to get there.  When you take your last breath, do you want it to be a happy breath?  Do you want to die happy? 

It's all your decision.

Do you want to take a chance?

The answers are all in you. 

It is kind of a given that when we are involved that we are in a fog.  We call it the A fog.  Is that where you are at?  The Healing Library is sometimes a way out of the fog.  Are you so different that those stories are all wrong about you?

I see myself in so many stories that it causes me to blush.  Quite a difference in it all, too.  Male v female.  Old v young. Married v single. Good marriage v bad marriage.  It's all in the irrelevant details. It is still all the same. 

The start of the ending is when you decide what you want, where you know what you want and make a plan as to how you are going to get there.

I won't bore you with the details of my A, but I can tell you how I ended it all. 


Yes I looked back and wondered if I had done the wrong thing.  I still do. 

I did it for me.  That is the only reason. 

I didn't do it to save my M.  It is what it is. 

I realized I was NOT being fulfilled in my A, and it wasn't going to make me happy.

It took many times of failing at breaking it off, but this time it stuck.  I have had a long journey. 

I am only done because I want to be done.  FOR ME!!!  I know where I am headed.  Away from her.  Maybe not towards total happiness, but my direction is away from UN-happiness. 

I hope you can find your way.  I'm pulling for YOU.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2012
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 9:47am

You are so not alone....After years of my XAP telling me he loved me and I was everything he ever wanted. He all of a sudden stops telling me and I asked him what was up and he said to me....I don't know if I love you or just lust you....and it went on from there with the nonsense of blah blah blah. I wanted to vomit...I felt sick and I ended it right there. I think he knew I would walk at those words...I think he wanted it that way! Honestly, it was the best thing he could have done!!

You should be here...Read and get to know everyone. This is a great group of people with tons of advice and open arms. Loads of support can be found here! Stick around.