Anyone experience this kind of feeling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Anyone experience this kind of feeling?
12
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 11:28am

I don't know what is wrong with me this morning. After feeling a little weepy on Friday, I ended up having a great weekend and didn't think much about xap. Only fleeting thoughts here and there.


This morning, about 4 a.m., I started dreaming of him in a very vague way. I was in that sleepy state of mind, just thinking about him, remembering some of the things we did, imagining if we were still carrying on, etc. Then I fully woke up and had to slap myself.


Made my morning coffee, sat outside on my patio, listened to the birds sing. DH had already left for work. I started thinking about him again and,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 4:07pm

Oh E1, you always make me ponder my motives, which is a good thing...I think lol

I have found that my behavior makes me laugh now. Makes me laugh in the sense that when NC first began, I felt like the victim. Cause why would xAP lie to me when he knew we would never be together. Why couldn't he just be honest with me? I told him from the beginning that it would never work, but after all his talk I let the fantasy seep in. Now that I'm facing the truth about the A and myself, I laugh because I lied and manipulated him too! I was just as toxic for him as he was for me.

I did manipulate xAP to control the situation. But your comment about being able to walk away because of no ties, well I didn't just do that xAP, I have done it to DH to a degree. Yes I married him, but we don't have kids, and we don't have a house. Now that we're actually buying a house, I have explained to my DH that it's more than that. By doing this, I'm showing him that I'm ready to need him. DH has actually mentioned that he feels like I'm there now.

In healing, I have begun to be honest with myself about why I behave they way I do. I'm taking responsibility, I'm working on changing coping behaviors. And above all else, I'm being honest with my husband, which makes me love him more. He'll never know what I did to us. I can say to myself how sorry I am that I let this happen, but without backing it up with the actions, it's just words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 6:33pm

Heck yes, I've felt emotions in exactly that order too!

NC since October 2, 2009.

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