Anyone here rebuilding with H

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Anyone here rebuilding with H
18
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:00pm
H doesn't know about my A. He never will if I can help it. Anyway I asked for a divorce about 4 months ago. Our marriage has always been bad. I feel out of love along time ago. I thought for sure H had also. Wrong. He's been BEGGING me not to divorce him. The guilt is so great that It's unbearable sometimes. I ask him if he wants me to stay just because I feel bad for him. He says no but he wants me to try and love him again. I just don't think I ever will. I'm not physically attracted to him. Our s*x life was almost nonexistant. He just was never interested in me.

You know the story. My H neglected me physically and emotionally and I fell in love with another man. Me and MM have no plans for the future. But my question is what to do now? Can my marriage be saved? If I say good-bye to MM will there be any chance that H can make me happy? How do you go back to a marriage after the affair? MM isn't a bad guy that's no good for me. I've known him for 6 years and he's a dear friend and has never done anything to hurt me. He never would. I can't imagine a life without him.

I can remember my therapist saying that If you find yourself wishing that your H was dead then it's probabley time to call iy quits. Don't take that wrong. I don't wish him dead. I just don't think I have the feelings in my heart that I should have. It's hard to explain.

I need some kind of light on my situation. I can't stand the pain I am causing everyone. I don't even believe that H loves me like he says he does. I think he loves our "family". If he really did love me how could he have treated me so badly for so long. Do people really change? Thanks for ANY input. I'm going crazy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:15pm
Hi Secret!

Yes,i am *trying* to rebuild with H,but i have to tell you,it's been SO SO hard.My H knew about my A and forgave me.Through my entire A i was dead set against working things out with my H,all i wanted was to be with the man i had my A with.When my A ended,i went back to H out of desperation i guess.I hate to even say that but i have no other reasons.I knew i was not in love with him any longer,hadn't been in a long time.I can't say that going back to him at that time was wise because it's been emotional hell for me.I have convinced him i am in love with him again and happy,but in all reality i am suffering terribly.H treats me WONDERFUL and loves me more than anything,but after my A,it's been hard to find the "love" i once had for him.I am still trying to heal from my A,trying to get over the love of my life,all at the same time trying to work on my marriage and be a good wife to my Husband(who deserves that).I don't know,Secret,i guess you just have to really dig deep inside your soul and wonder if staying in your marriage is what will honestly make YOU happy.It's not easy to end an Affair and then try to rebuild a marriage,but i'm sure it can be done.I know this probably doesn't help much but i just wanted you to know that i'm basically in the same boat.I wish you all the best and hope we can talk again.God Bless!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:33pm
solo

Thank you. Do you mind me asking why your A ended? Was our MM a goof person. Are you over him? Thanks for anymore info.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:56pm
I"m in the same boat as y'all....had an affair for the same reasons..being neglected and rejected sexually and emotionally....HOWEVER: my H is not a bad man, he is a good provider and a good father to my children. I spent years trying to figure out whether to stay or leave. It took alot of work and alot of therapy....I decided that I want to stay for now....for my children, for financial reasons and for the convenience. yes, there are other women that may find those not good enough reasons, but it works for me. I don't have to stay here forever, but I am staying here for now.....

Now that my A is over I thank GOD that i did not leave for XOM, being with him clouded my thinking.....now I can leave and make the decison based on me and my needs alone...not XOM and his needs to have me.....

Some people go back and work things out just fine, but that is not in the cards for me. I have accepted that, and once you make peace with that you are really fine.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:21pm
Hi Secretpal,

Your situation is so similar to mine. I guess a lot of our situations are similar. I had an A with a life long friend that I love deeply but my H, like yours, begged me not to get a divorce eventhough he knows about the A. I think, like you, he's not truly in love with me just with the idea of marriage and family, who knows. I am trying to decide what to do though. I do not love my H nor do I think I ever really have. Someone recommended a book to me and I am now recommending it to you. It is called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum, a psychotherapist. I bought it Sunday and I'm half way through it. It is helping me take a thorough look at my marriage to see if it is worth saving or not. The really hard part in all of this is I truly love my OM and I believe he loves me to. It's hard to make a choice between what we are tought is the right thing to do and what we believe will make us truly happy. Best of luck to you.

Hugs

justwantlove

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 2:07pm
To all who are rebuilding,

I was in the exact same situation 8 years ago, and my experience will not exactly be inspirational to anyone. I had had a brief (2 month) A with a co-worker, it was not serious, but it was a symptom of the breakdown of my marriage, not the cause of the breakdown. It opened up my eyes to the fact that I had indeed fallen out of love with my husband. It was extremely difficult to admit it, but I knew in both my head and heart that I would never be "in love" with him although I did care for him as the father of our daughter.... so... for better or for worse I made a conscious decision to stay in a loveless marriage for him and my daughter. I truly believed that I could push aside feelings of unhappiness to become the person my H wanted and expected. Well, 2 other children, a few new jobs, a new house and lots of heartache later, here I am. 6 months ago I started another A with a dear friend of ours who we have known for 5 years. I truly believe he is the man I was meant to be with.... he feels I am the woman for him. I have ended my marriage, not as a result of the A, but because it was eventually the right thing to do. It's only been 7 weeks since my H left.... my MM has decided to stay with his wife. After 3 suicide attempts by my H (the last one this Friday which just about did it), countless hours of crying, obsessing, throwing up, beating myself I have thankfully found this support board. It has now been 5 days of NC with XMM, as well I am not allowed to see or speak with my H because I am "the trigger" for the suicide attempts. My 11 year old D has become our "go between" which is brutal for her, and H's family completely blames me for everything. All of our friends have said some pretty cruel and brutal things to me, and my kids may end up without a father.

Why am I telling you this? I did not have the courage to end my troubled marriage when I should have.... I thought I had the strength to "make it work", pretend to be happy for H and live the perfect white picket fence life. It was easier to lie to myself than to do the hard work and make myself happy. I do not regret ending my marriage now... it truly was the time to make myself happy, but I still struggle daily with what I have done to everyone else. Women have a hard time putting themselves first... it has been a struggle of mine for 40 years.... pushing everything down inside myself to be the person everyone else expected. Well, I guess the top finally blew off about 6 months ago when I chose to step outside my marriage.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not advocating that anyone leave their marriage, but please give it some very very very serious thought. Lying to everyone around you is difficult, lying to yourself is self-destructive.

CG

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:20pm
I really do not think that after falling in love with another man and still loving him and knowing that I have never loved any man like that in my life that I can possibly fall back in love with H. I would have never had an A had I been in love with H. Over the years I had been attracted to other people and maybe thought about them sexually but would never think of stepping out of my marriage. Why? Because I knew I was in love with my husband then or at least I thought I was. Dont get me wrong my H is the best husband in the world. I just dont have the passion for him. I know eventually in any marriage you are going to get bored which is why I was contemplating leaving my M. Then again if I get along with him, why leave? To then start a new relationship and go through the rollercoaster of a new relationship, because not just in As do you go through a rollercoaster. Also to get to know a new person and teir faults and see if they accept your faults also. If you leave the A and then get with your OM/MM, you only know the person that they have allowed you to see. Until you are with the person 24/7 you dont know them, and then the fantasy you had of them fades. I know that it is not like this in all cases. Some people really do have bad marriages and when they do find that person and go off with that person, things work out because that new person is far better than the H/W. I am not telling anyone to settle, or to sell themselves short. All I am saying is that if the marriage is not at all that bad and you get along, then why leave? If you do fall in love with someone else end it on both ends and then find out what you want, because if the other person loves you they will wait. Heck they do while you are in the A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 1:30am
CG,

Thanks so much for this post. I appreciate your honesty and candor. It also gives me hope. I ended my M after my A. I like others on this board, knew that I could not and would not have had an affair if my M was fullfulling for me. I could have stayed for all of the reasons stated here. We got along fine, there was no fighting, etc. I also wanted a child so desperately. However, I just could not, in good conscious, bring a child into a marriage that was just not right for me. I admire your courage. You are exactly right. It takes tremendous strenth to listen to yourself, get out of the denial, and do what you must do to be happy. Your children need to see that also. My best friend that is my age (40) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. A situation like that makes you realize the importance of living "your" life and being able to say that you have no regrets. Since she is in the hospital, we have spent a lot of endless hours talking. Incidently, she had an A in her first M and is now married to her OM. She ended her M and her A and it took several years but she and her OM (also married when they met) finally got it together after they were both free to do so. She told me recently that she loves that man with every part of her being. She does regret having an A and being the OW, but she does not regret having the courage to stand up and tell the truth and end her first M. Her now husband did the same. She could have stayed in her first M also. Her husband was a good man, they were friends, etc. However, the M was just not right for her. Her first husband remarried several years later and is very happy also. Yes, it is so painful to have to "come clean" and admit that you are not happy and you want out. However, it is more painful in the end to know that you have lied to yourself for so many years.

Why did your MM decide to stay in his M? I know that was terribly painful for you. Mine did the same.

I am so sorry that you and your children and your H are in so much pain. I wish you all strength to get through it. Try to remove your children from the middle as much as possible. Stand your ground. I hope that your H can recover and have a new full life also. I am always interested in the spouse that also lives in denial. Do we just do a good job of faking it? Can't they tell that we are unhappy? Do they just look the other way also? I always wondered why my H did not question me more. He had to know that something was not right. I had to start taking anti-depressants, etc. yet, it seemed that he could have continued on. I pray that if I ever find myself in a relationship again and I know that my partner is not really happy with me, that I will encourage them to go find their happiness. I hope that I will not ingore the truth.

I will be thinking of all of you.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 10:10am
I don't post here often...but had to weigh in on this one. I had a brief, but intense (aren't they all?) A, with a friend of mine, it lasted about 6 months, until my H found out via this board. When my H found out, it devestated him. He didn't get angry, he didn't want divorce, he simply wanted to know why. I explained to him that I wasn't getting what i needed from our marriage. He agreed that we had lost our connection, and begged me to try to get things back on track. I thought i was "out of love" but i think I was just telling myself that, to rationalize the fact that i was having an A. It's strange, the things you do, and the things you tell yourself when you are activly participating in an EMA

We have been trying now for nearly 6 months. I can honestly say, that i am glad i stayed. My husband has changed a great deal, and so have I. I'm not saying it's easy...cause' it's not. It is however, comfortable, and fun again. We have re-connected, and found that we are still best friends. Of course i get aggrivated, still miss XMM at times. But for the most part we are good. I had a brief lapse of NC at the end of Oct. I thought that I could be friends with my XMM. WRONG!!! Ended up right back where we were, even went to a hotel. But it was diffrent this time. I didn't feel the rush of passion i once felt...didn't feel that flip-floppy feeling in my stomach...I felt guilty, and dirty, and down right horrible. That when I left "the message" on XMM's voice mail, telling him that what we were doing was not fair to our families..and I thought he was a great guy...but we both needed to concentrate on whats important to us. Said that I needed to be guilt free, that i couldn't stand the feelings I was having, that were brought on by us being together again. Told him I knew that he would respect my wishes for NC, that I was sure I would miss him...yadda, yadda. I haven't heard from him in a month...and I have honestly not been this happy in a while.

I think that its hard, to make life decisions when involved in an A. We have a skewed view of things. We tend to idealize our OM, and forget all of the reasons we fell in love with our H's in the first place. Once the bills, and the kids, and the everday tasks start taking over...its hard to maintain a relationship.. We didn't have to answer to them...didn't have to discuss bills, and stresses, and children. We could let go..and be ourselves, and be "loved". But at what price???? I know from personal expierience that my A was driving me mad. I couldn't eat, had a hard time sleeping, drank a little too much...spent less time with my kids... SHEESH, I'm GLAD its over.

For anybody who is sitting on the fence. Give it a chance. It may work. I'm not saying that it will be easy by any means, but give yourself time to heal, be patient with yourself and your H. As long as you are in a healthy relationship ( by that i mean no abuse or the likes of it) you can move on. I am thankful that my H gave us a chance. I am happy that I didn't leave. And I hope that you all find your way, and become happy and whole again!!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 10:40am
Thank you all for posting. Just reading these posts have helped me so much to know that I am not alone. I have been out of my 11 month A for 8 weeks now, NC for 5. He wanted me to leave my H right away but even though I wanted to I had the kids to think about. H has no idea about the A but knows I have been unhappy. I don't think I have been in love with him for a long long time. But I stick it out. The worse part is the sex with H. Other than that it is comfortable to stay here in our house and our life we have created and not to disrupt the kids. But if I had my way, however selfish, I would leave and be with XOM.

I honestly can't imagine ever being truly happy with H but have always been taught that staying in a marriage was the right thing to do. I just hope I don't live with the regret the rest of my life. I just know for now, I am here.

Good luck to you all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:28am
Thanks Outtie. I agree with some of this, but not all. My A lasted almost 5 years. That is a long time. My xMM was never happy in his M to begin with. I know this because we were friends for a long time. I think that it is great to be best friends with your H, but I think that there can be so much more. I believe that my xMM is settling, no matter what he says. I know that I could never be with him again because of all of the contradictions, etc. However, I believe that he could be much happier with someone else. He was not happy before his child and not happy after his child. There has to be so much more in a marriage than just being comfortable. I guess it depends on the situation and what everyone defines as their true happiness. I cannot count my M is this discussion because my H was very emotionally unavailable. He was not a bad man, but he could not be in the kind of relationship that I wanted. Maybe I am not giving enough credit to the spouse, but in my case xMM's W does not know of his A. I feel that she must have been looking the other way not to know that something was really wrong for 5 years. Also, I do not think that it is right that xMM is not telling her. He is continuing his life and even trying to have another child without giving her the benefit of knowing what he has been doing for the last 5 years. He has been in an A with me longer than he has been in his M. In your case, I believe that it can work because your H knows the truth and you can build on that. I don't see how others can really "work on" or "rebuild" the M without having all of the facts. He even told a mutual friend that he was so glad that he "stuck it out" in his M. He calls having a 5 year A sticking it out. It just hurt so much in the end for him to be so fearful of me; that I would tell his W. I became a threat to him. Suddenly his W became the wonderful person for hanging in there with him (without knowing of the A) and I became the home-wrecker. It was terrible. I would never tell his W. I believe that information should come from him.

I am very happy for you, that you are working it out. I just think that some people really do settle and just as they did in the A, they rationalize the marriage as well. The reality may be that the M in not right for them , but neither is the A.

Lostit

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