Anyone up for positive thinking???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Anyone up for positive thinking???
16
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 6:04pm
Obviously each of us has had at least one affair! One of the things that has helped me greatly is to remember what I have gained from the whole friggin' nightmare! Yes, I gained loads!

I am so thankful for so many things as a result of my A! Will anyone step up to the plate here and share? I've shared this in the past and don't wish to bore anyone by repeating myself! The thing is that when our hearts are shattered we forget to stop and smell the flowers! Please share people! Everyone of us has been given something thru this experience that is positive!!!

When I think about it I have been given so much more then I lost! I am truly thankful for that! The pain sucks! But, as they say "No pain no gain"!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 7:18pm
Ok, I need this today.

I gained - some incredible cyber-friends - women who have held my hand and let me cry through some of the deepest darkest times in my life. They have reached out with their hearts and souls to me... and I hope I have done the same for them... these are friendships that will never fade, even long after our MM are gone from our lives.

I gained insight. It has been incredibly painful, but I have learned a lot about myself and my marriage, and I am continuing to learn more every day.

I gained tolerance. I learned to not judge, because I have not walked in someone else's shoes. I thought everyone who had an affair was bad. Until I had one. And I learned that there is a lot more to this than meets the eye... and that lesson can apply to so many other things and judgments I made in the past.

I gained understanding. I learned that what we see is not always what is real. That behind closed doors, NO ONE knows what a relationship is really like except the people living in it. That perfect marriages and perfect couples are not necessarily so. That we can never ever really know what others are going through and dealing with in the privacy of their homes.

And I learned to NEVER say NEVER. I KNEW I would never ever ever no matter what no way no how ever cheat on my H. I learned that I didn't know anything at all.

Glinda

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:26pm
Well what did I learn from all of this . I learned a new way of life. I learned that it was not my fault that I was brought up the way I was but it was my responablity to change and I learned a new way to love and look at things. Best of all I learned how to express myself whether it be in a positive or negative manner. I am not afraid to say what I think should be said.

I also have some very special freinds here who helped me through some very tough times, that is what I have to be thankful for. AF.
Avatar for stre2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:25pm
Glinda....... I really love what you've posted. It's so very true!

Thanks!

Sherry

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:40am
WELL GLINDA, You just made a complete circle for me! THANK YOUR EVERLOVING HEART! I haven't read the rest of the replies! But darn you! Ditto on every single thing you said!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:47am
Ditto to you too A.F. Your tenacity is so empowering to me! I admire you very much and know you will come out of all of this stronger, and more kind and loving no matter what the final outcome! You ought to consider changing your user name to doingallIcan ! Keep going with your head held high! I'm so proud of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:51am
I am a big believer that things happen for a reason. I have learned alot about myself through this mess of an A, some good and some bad. There are days (many) that I curse ever having met OM and then there are days that I am thankful for having had him in my life even for such a short while. I have learned that sex is an important part of a relationship and that it is important to feel connected to a partner in every way...emotionally, intellectually, physically, etc.....I will forever be thankful to OM for opening my eyes to what I need and deserve in my life....Now I need to decide what to do about getting it...

Karry

Avatar for raspberrykat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:38am
Glinda

What a wonderful post!!! I've also learned tolerance and to not judge people. I've also learned to listen .... just to listen, and not fall into giving advice all the time. We as women tend to be the caretakes and fall into advice giving (and at times I do give advice) but it is more important to emphasize and offer support.

I have not been fortunate enough to gain cyber friends as you have, but then again, I lurk at times and just read. I have aslo gained some wonderfull insight just by reading. I've been hanging here a bit more lately, needing some support and getting lots!!

Take care girl!!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:14am
Kat...

I have only been on this board a few days, but you have reached out to me with support and wisdom and kindness... You said you haven't gained cyber-friends, but you are SO wrong... we are here and all you need to do is open your eyes. Maybe it hasn't evolved into private emails or phone calls (and that is very rare - most of us are quite guarded, especially in this situation) - but you DO have friends. Keep posting... I think you have a lot to offer, and I know the ladies here have much to offer you...

Glinda

Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:17pm
Thank You Glinda!!! That was very sweet of you to say. Sometimes I know there are so many others here that have come so much further than I have, and they have a much better insight and advice (when needed), like our hosts & Gaurded Ticker (she always has great things to say that sound like they are just for me!)

Like I said, I've been hanging out a lot more lately, just trying to get past this little rough spot in my life. Thanks to everyone - it's so good to know that many others are in the same situation or have come past the point I'm at. It's makes me smile to know that we will all heal in time!

*hugs*

K

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:32pm
Oh Sweeterblonde, this is a very difficult one to share because by doing so, I allow myself to relive the pain. But I will do my best.

I will never forget the day I was told that the MM (not married then as we were both only 17) and his family moved away. There was no goodbye, no chance to speak to each other about how much we meant to each other, no hug. He was just there one day and gone the next. This was the person who one short year before had stood and held me at my father's funeral when I was just a girl. He was the ONLY one at the time who could think of something to say that made me smile at a time that was so full of loss. At a very young age, I got used to picking myself up, dusting myself off and beginning again.

A little over twenty years later, the MM and I were able to talk on the phone again for the very first time. There wasn't enough time in the day! Years and years of prayers were answered in the months to follow. Just to know he was doing well, to be able to find out what happened when they moved, to be able to thank him again for being there for me when my father passed away, and to finally be able to share the feelings we had for each other...those first few months I felt like I walked on clouds. Over the holidays and on the phone, not in the heat of passion, he told me he loved me.

What I find the most interesting is that just about one month prior to our reuniting, I had a talk with God - still trying to gain the understanding and acceptance of my marriage failing and go on with life. I had reconciled with myself that if it was God's will for me to spend this life on my own, that I would do it and if there is such a thing as a soulmate, mine was either really far away or not even alive...and then the door was opened after so many years. I truly believe that happening was an answer to my prayers even if the answer I was about to get was not the one I thought I wanted. So with all the emotional loss I've been through in ending my affair, I would not change one single moment of it and I know he feels exactly the same way. Life often throws us challenges and the key is how we handle them. And with all the loss I had to go through in letting go, I will never see this time as anything but a gift in so many ways.

In experiencing the ending, I've learned so much. Not only about relationships in general, but about myself as a person and how naive I can be. I learned what not to do when getting involved with a man, I learned how to keep the boundaries I've always believed in no matter who it is that wants to cross them, I have learned that lies destroy lives, I've learned that my life truly has a calling on it that I have to pay close attention to and work at fulfilling it, I've learned that people don't always turn out to be who we expect them to be, and last but not least I've learned how much God does hear our prayers and how much He does love us if we will just open our lives up to Him and that love is perfectly fine to give to others as long as we don't do it expecting something in return because the one who is meant to do that for us won't need to be manipulated or controlled in anyway...they will simply prove themselves beyond a shadow of doubt.

Probably the most wonderful gift and/or positive I have gained from this experience was this. After four years since my divorce, I found the ability to look within myself and discover my part in my marriage failing which was very difficult because of the way the marriage ended which left me feeling like a victim. I learned that until we are willing to let go of a VICTIM mentality, we won't see the forest through the trees.

I lost a lot going through this process but won't go into it since this is a "positive" post, but what I will say is this! I would give up everything I've lost all over again in order to have what I have today. To this day, the MM's mother, brother and I are close and in contact. I've developed wonderful friendships with them again which does not include anything having to do with the MM. I am secure in our goodbye because the MM and I both know we have each other's love forever, whether we ever end up together in this life or not. I am eternally grateful for the measure of kindness and respect that was shown to each other in our saying goodbye. In order to truly love each other, we had to respect each other's lives and what we wanted in them despite the desire to be together. I am comfortable that God knows both our hearts and will bless both our lives as a result. And who knows? That may mean our paths will cross again. It may not. But either way, the MM and I both have chosen to see our reuniting as a gift from God.

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