Apart yet physically ill & hurting still
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Apart yet physically ill & hurting still
| Sun, 05-29-2005 - 8:57am |
Hi, my first posting here, but I'm hopeful! This is my situation: I've been married for about 7 years, no children, and in the last few years my DH's work took him away a lot. Communication got really bad between the two of us and we drifted apart. Stupid me (I know that now), I had met a guy through mutual friends whom I thought was just a friend. He was married, with kids, and we had some things in common, which I don't share with my DH. We all hung out in a group, and slowly I found out that he was having marital problems, I was going to be moving again to another state because of the DH's work, and we confided in each other, our fears, disappointments, etc, and ended up in a physical and emotional entanglement for 8 months. I've since moved away; I thought it would help, but I can't put the affair behind me. Perhaps it's cos the other guy still writes to me (he's since separated), saying that we can still be friends. I don't know why. I told my husband about it; he was upset but is willing to give the marriage another chance. He acknowledges that our relationship had suffered because of his work, and is giving me time to sort my confused feelings and decide if I want to be with him. However, being in a new place, with no friends, also doesn't help, and the ache just gnaws away inside. I feel totally illogical and stupid. Please help. Thanks.

Rym
I will give you a couple of quick suggestions based on a lot of experience:
1)You must end all communications with the XOM NOW if ou want to start healing and recoveing your marriage and the feelings you had in the past for your HUSBAND.
2)The "FRIENDSHIP" thing NEVER WORKS ask anyone posting here, just about everyone tries it but it only leads to more pain/comfusion and very often back into the affair.
3)ENFORCE TOTAL NO CONTACT against this other guy...he is writing you for his benefit not yours, he has suck his marriage and will do the same to yours if you allow him to.
4)Start COMMUNICATING with your HUSBAND about everything and anything, "the way to a womans heart is through her ears".
5)Until you make new friends, make a habit of calling your MOM/SISTERS and any girlfriends that were not involved in helping promote or cover up your affair....your a social creature and need that communications JUST CHOOSE TO COMMUNICATE with the right people and that can never ever include this XOM.
Hang around here for a while and you will meet people that will help you go in the write direction people that were where you are today or are where your are today.
WELCOME.
Free
Thanks for your advice. I'm trying to do all that, but I'm confused why it feels so terribly difficult. Some days I feel OK, thinking that I can make it, other days my thoughts go back to the XOM, for whom there are still feelings. My mind tells me that it was an infatuation, not love, and I know that he never loved me (and vice versa), yet I hurt still--which is confusing to me. I just want to put it behind me, but it feels like one tiny step forward and three slips backwards each time.
rymstng,
welcome to the board !
as FREE mentioned, no contact is the only way for most of us, stop reading his mail, block it if its email
u know u dont love this man, he is using u in his time of need, u said he has marital issues, why do u hurt ?, u miss the routine from him, its an addiction for most of us, in time u will get use to it, like everyone said, time will heal, i know it sounds so cliche for now but in time u will see how true it is
concentrate on hubby, he has given u another chance, how often do we get that, i wish i was given another chance, take it and make the must of it
pls take care,
max
Rym
Think of this they same way you would a drug addiction, it has many of the same characteristics of an addiction,the drug is >>"NOT"<< XOM it is the emotions the affair caused you to feel, how it made you feel about yourself.
The treatment is to keep no contact and to tough it out throught the cycles of withdrawl that you will go through just like everyone does, please note I said CYCLES NOT CYCLE it will continue to happen but it will get weaker over time as long as you refuse to have any contact with XOM.
I suggest that you take what ever steps you have to to close all lines of communications with him, close or block e-mail acounts that he is aware off, delete him from your mail book, delete any saved mails from him or about him. If you IM delete any saved IMs change your name and delete him from your buddy list better yet change to another IM service.
If he phones you then have the phone company block calls from all his numbers you know about.
Above all things had nothing from your husband, when he attempts to contact you do not keep it a secret, the emotional aspects off affairs thrive in the darkness of secrecy.
Hang in there you will be takeing 3 steps forward for eveyone back before you know it.
Free