Apparantly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Apparantly...
13
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 4:42pm

How did your first counseling session go?

Ivy

PS. Obviously I cannot spell apparently....




Edited 6/28/2005 4:42 pm ET ET by ivy_midnight

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 8:57am
Hey Ivy,
Thanks for asking. It actually went well. I was surprised that she didn't really even ask me much about the a, and when she did it was towards the end of the session. Mainly she focused on the probs in my marriage. She said that there had to be probs before the a or the a wouldn't have happened. I told her that my h didn't know the whole truth about the a. She said that he didn't need to know all the details but if it was something that he wanted to know and it had something to do with us rebuilding then I needed to think about telling him but leaving out the details. Towards the end of the session she said, "Do you realize the only time you have really smiled this whole hour was when you were talking about mm?" All in all, I am glad that I went. I had never told my h that I had fallen in love with mm. I told him that it was just a FWB type thing, because it was in the beginning. Well, he asked me how my session went and I slowly gave him some details and things she said and I illuded to the fact that we talked about my feelings for mm. It took him about 24 hours to process the info I guess but last night when I got home he was in a crappy mood and I asked him if he was mad and me and we started having a long, long discussion and he finally asked me if I had fallen in love with mm. I was honest and told him that I wasn't sure, but I may have. I told him that he made my heart skip a beat in a way that I had never felt before. I know it hurt him to hear that but I told him from here on out I was going to be as honest as I could and though it may hurt, I think we need to be honest if we are going to work on this. We went to bed last night not talking to each other at all and I left this morning for work without saying good bye. The t said that is was going to be a painful process, mainly for h, and she couldn't give us a guarantee that in the end we would be happy. I told h that the way I was looking at it was at least if it didn't work then we would know we did everything we could to try and make it work. It is hard because my h is so oblivious to so many things....As long as we are having sex, and I am not nagging too much then he thinks our m is fine. I told him that when I started the a I had given up on our m. The a was worth the risk because I was tired of trying and I had quit. At the time the a started he thought our m was fine. How can 2 people look at things so differently? There was a time of about 6 months (Right before the a) that I was so depressed that I had thoughts about suicide. The a is what got me out of the depression. When we talked about it later, my h didn't know I was depressed. How can a loving, fun, outgoing, friendly person go from all those things to crying all the time, can't function, unhappy in everything, totally withdraw from the world and her h doesn't notice??? Gee, I am starting to see some of the probs in our marriage. I tried to explain this to H last night but I still don't think he gets it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:51am

Your H may get it but not want to confront it. I don't know. I had a similar situation when I was married. I was very depressed and drinking several glasses of wine by myself every night. My H was either not there or if he was, he was watching sports on TV or on the internet. We had just moved to this city and I was very lonely. When he did talk to me, he was mean and critical. Now he says that he was depressed himself over various failures in his life. Sadly, even when I am home alone on a Saturday nt with my dog, its still better than the life I had with my H. At least now I have the hope that something may change. When I was married, I had no hope. Being alone is not fun though. There are no easy answers. I understand your feelings about MM. For myself, seeing him on Saturday for a short time made me realize that what I feel for him, I do not feel for my exH - and never did. And maybe I can't be with MM but I can't settle now for being with someone else that I don't have those feelings for. Did you ever have those feelings for your H? If you did at one point, you may be able to get them back. If you never did, well its tough now that your eyes are opened to what it feels like. Of course, you can't compare a marriage with an affair. But I have been unsuccessful in recreating love in my marriage when I was married. Its really depressing. I still see exH now because I think, well maybe I was just unrealistic thinking that I could get a love like that within a marriage. Maybe that kind of love is meant for affairs and young love, the stuff movies and poems are made of. Maybe its just unrealistic to look for it in someone who is suitable for marriage and kids. I tell people that and they get mad at me and say no no no. But I do not know one couple who have the love you talk about or I talk about. My exH doesn't believe love like I describe is important to marriage. he thinks friendship and common interests and goals are more important. I don't know. I guess having an affair ruins your marriage in more than the obvious way - it opens your eyes to what it feels like to have a true love feeling - a feeling that is completely unattainable in a real relationship.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:33pm

I am not sure if I ever felt that spark between me and my h. I have tried to remember but either it was never there or I can't remember it. I think the a did ruin my m because just like you said, it opened my eyes to what I was missing. Last night I told my H that I was okay with what we had until mm came along. He made my heart skip a beat like no one had ever done before. To this day, over 2 years later, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I know I am going to see him. I had not known true love (and yes, some may argue that it is not love, but I do love him. whether or not he really loves me doesn't matter, I still love him) before. I didn't know what I was missing. Now I am left wondering if I can be happy without it. The counselor said that if the spark wasn't there to begin with then it is almost if not completely impossible to recreate it. My h kept asking me last night what mm did to make me fall in love with him, what he said, what things he did, he said make a list and I will do them for you. I told him that we both know that you can't do x,y & z and magically the person will fall in love with you. I told him I didn't know what my mm did, it wasn't anything specific, my heart just fell and fell hard.

I think that love we see in movies and that you and I think we are feeling right now does exist. Do I think it keeps at that level for 40 years, no. But I think you need that foundation to get to the love that keeps you going for 40 years. In September my parents will be married 34 yrs. Now my parents fight and argue and yell and disagree, but 34 yrs later they still can't keep their hands off each other. I found out a couple of yrs ago that they only knew each other for a few weeks before they got married. They were young, but obviously they were in love. And that in love feeling has carried them through the bad times and given them enough desire to continue to work on things. So that kind of love does exist, I just don't know how to find it.

You talked about you h being ok with you being friends with your mm and I wonder if he is saying that because he doesn't want to rock the boat right now but if you guys got back together if he would make you stop talking to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 3:18pm

AS:

Have you checked with your therapist to see if its healthy to be so "truthful" about every detail....my god i dont think i could survive hearing that stuff you are telling your husband about how xMM made you feel. I mean, I think anyone could wonder but to have to hear it...and so blatantly? Lil torturous isn't it? How can a marriage ...a person ...survive knowing that info and it playing back like a tape in their head?

Am I making sense? Am I an avoider? I believe in the truth...but I am not sure how much I have to say to someone (and believe me i am direct) ...perhaps if they come out and ask because its in their head but not if I go on about my therapy session farther than "we talked about my feelings". I am also one that doesnt let things fester long and communicate and live alone without someone in my life if it isn't what it should be(never married). So maybe some people know when they shouldn't be married to someone and others try it out and go along with it because that is what they feel they are suppose to do and both you and your husband have done this but now..he doesn't know any better or what it "could" be.

I wouldn't want to hear "you never turned me on ever like this other guy/gal" did and expect to have any place to go for rebuilding.

If he says, "i can love enough for the both of us" he is in denial of what love should be like and perhaps should meet someone that teaches him as well. I dont mean that facetiously but you dont know what love is for yourself until it hits you. Maybe he loves you, maybe you were good at showing him love <?> . Perhaps some people just aren't in touch with themselves as others. I know men like that.

I think you are learning as well...that love is not a noun really...but more like a verb. Your next relationship...and the one I truly seek is one that is actively loving, communicative, fresh. Perhaps that is why so far Ive not found one that would work it out with me...in the moment..and folks like your parents...have =) Congrats on that. But i still plan on being my own better half constantly...and regardless ...if i find another half like me..hooray.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 3:21pm
Oh nooo, exH has no idea I still talk with exMM. exMM is aware that I see H but not vice versa. If I got back together with H though, I definitely could not talk to MM at all, ever again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 3:34pm
Gotcha! I read wrong, I was thinking your xh was ok with you being friends with mm.....Sorry, it has been one of those days and to top it off...I talked to mm this morning and said I really needed to see him tonight, we had things we needed to talk about....I am just so ready to get this over with. He just called me and his voice sounded weird. He said he couldn't meet me tonight because something just came up and he had to leave work early. I asked what and he said he didn't have time to talk, he had to go right now, that he would call me in the morning....I couldn't tell by his voice if he was excited or scared or sad or what? I know his wife is due in 2 months...Of course, my mind is going through a million possibilities. I emailed my friend who still works there to see what she could find out....At this point I am wondering if I really need to end it face to face or not. I keep feeling like this cloud is hanging over my head and I just want the sun to come out....Sorry to ramble, I am just having a bad day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 5:00pm

Hey Lizzie,
My t said to answer his questions honestly and trying to spare the details. Last night what I told my h was that I was okay with the way things were until mm came along. I said that he made my heart skip a beat. Later on my h asked if I had fallen in love with mm and I said that I am not sure but I think that I did.

I did not tell him all the other things I wrote about, like the butterflies or anything like that. Sometimes I don't express myself very clearly. I was mixing what I actually said to H and my thoughts in the same breath, sorry. I feel the need to be brutally honest with my h if he asks about the important stuff. I am not going to talk to him about the sex between mm and I or anything like that because I don't think it is important. What led me to this a was the emotional connection that mm and I had. To be honest the sex with my H is close to if not better than sex with mm. My h feels like that our m was perfect and then out of the blue, I had an a. I am trying to get him to see from my pov that the m was gone long before the a.

The last time my h went to the t she told him that this was going to hurt him alot to hear what he needed to hear to get to a point where we could see if we wanted to rebuild. If my h wants to know the answers I am going to give them to him unless like I said they are pointless. I hope I cleared some things up and made more sense. I am trying to respect his feelings but for so many years I have been so worried about his feelings and not hurting him that we have gotten to where he doesn't even have a realistic picture of me or how I feel. I did tell him last night that I am done pretending. From now on it will be honest and it will be how I truly feel, (at least at that moment, subject to change at any moment!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:31am

AS:
Communication is a form of intimacy...(many times why we connect with someone in the first place so deeply...how many affairs start etc.)

I know this must be hard for you ... perhaps this will help you and your husband become closer than ever...truly a bond that will never be broken again. (kind of exciting to think of it in those terms, its great that you both are at that willing stage right now...it couldve been much worse eh?)

If i ever get married...i wouldnt want it any other way. I am glad to see that there are two people who haven't thrown in the towel. Yay you both =) Sometimes the longest, hardest, arduous journeys give the worst blisters on the feet but oh the sights and how they are life altering...worth ever step...and the certain, beautiful sunset at the end is reassuring and solid.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 8:44am

<<>>

That is beautiful. Right now h and I aren't talking, well except text messages about the kids, but when I read your words I almost cried. I emailed it to him...Thanks for putting things in perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 9:20am
I didn't realize his wife was pregnant. I have to tell you, it really bothers me when men have an affair when their wife is pregnant. It just feels like the lowest of the low. exMM told me that while his W was pregnant he had one and believe me, he has a laundry list of reasons but it still really bothers me. I feel like when you are pregnant (never been yet) you have the God given right to be the biggest b&tch you want and nothing you say or do warrants your H having an affair. I just feel like it is such a vulnerable time in a womans life. Now I had an A so I'm not trying to be a hypocrite here. But it has always bothered me. Just curious, what are MM's reasons?

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