Are all marriages like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Are all marriages like this?
8
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:05pm
I had a very interesting conversation with my neighbor yesterday. I have always assumed that they had a very good marriage and they seem to spend a lot of time together...especially when they just moved into the neighborhood and were spending a lot of time putting in their yard, etc. Yesterday, the wife said that she was so tired of her husband being off on his own with his friends, of not taking responsibility for their daughter, and for not doing his share around the house. She pretty much said that she was at the end of her rope with him, but wasn't sure how she'd make it financially so wasn't quite ready to kick him out.

The conversation brought back very clear memories of when I was splitting up with my husband. He asked me how I was going to handle it without him since I was always telling him that he wasn't doing his part. I said the difference was that I would know that it was all my responsibility and wouldn't feel anger toward someone else for not doing his share. One of the things I was so tired of was making arrangements for him to be home with our daughter so that I could do something. I could never assume he would be home, but he always assumed I would take care of our daughter.

I keep hearing these same complaints from every married person I know and complained of the same things when I was married. Are all marriages like this? When I hear things like this, it makes me so glad I'm single. It's true that sometimes I have to work harder to have a social life, but it's so much easier than the frustration I felt when I was married.

My xMM used to say that I acted like everything would be fine if he would just leave his wife and move in with me. I'd reply that I didn't want to share him, but I wasn't offering for him to move in with me. I don't have that much faith in long-term relationships. That's one of the reasons that this affair has been so frustrating...I wasn't looking for a relationship and still can't say that I want a relationship per se, but just fell in love with him and wanted to be with him.

Happy Monday!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:49pm

No, not all marriages are like that. Some can afford a nanny and a maid/housekeeper!


Joking aside, though, not all marriages are like that. I know many men who do pull their fare share and then some. One works f/t running a business, does the laundry, most of the cooking, makes most of the money, takes care of the kids (sometimes), and still has time to spend with his wife who only works p/t and doesn't seem to do a lot at home.


And, then, there's Sean. He often does more arouund the house and with my son than I do and goes to school full-time. Unfortunately, it's because I can't always do it due to a disability. So, I do what I can and motivate him and DS to help with the rest!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 5:24pm
Sometimes it just seems the best cure for wanting to be in a relationship is to talk to people who are in a longterm relationship. It gets pretty depressing to hear sometimes...but I guess that I also hear my single girlfriends moan about their "singleness", too. The only time being single really bothers me is when I have to find a date for a work Christmas party.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 6:04pm
I've been thinking about your question all day long... First off, this is probably not the best forum to be asking it in if you want an accurate response, as presumably *something* was missing from our marriages to have led most of us into an A in the first place, right?... But besides that, you wrote: "One of the things I was so tired of was making arrangements for him to be home with our daughter so that I could do something. I could never assume he would be home, but he always assumed I would take care of our daughter."

Boy can I ever relate to that. Seems to be true for ALL of my friends, too. Is that still just the way our society is?

My H... bless his heart... he works SOOO hard. TOO hard, if you ask me. But provides VERY well for us, so I can't complain too much. But between his work -- he is in real estate, which keeps him working 7 days a week, busy times are weekends & evenings -- and his civic activities, which are many, I often feel like his time with me and our kids is just something he squeezes in here & there. It's not at all how I pictured married life being. I definitely struggle with that, and have for a l-o-n-g time. But I don't think there is anything I can do to change that, ever.

BUT -- I am lucky in that my husband is very good to me, adores me, puts me a bit on a pedestal, and I do love being around him. I just wish he was around more. I feel lonely a lot, resentful sometimes, and I am certain that those feelings are what led me to have an affair.

So that's my story.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:23pm
Yes, there are alot of married women all saying the same things and complaining about their husbands. I don't think that should make you happy that you are single. From what I understand being single has its own share of headaches and frustrations. If you need to revel in other people's hardships to feel good about your situation then so be it.

I am married to a very successful man that works very hard for the six figure income that he earns. Do I expect him to come home after a 12 hour day of doing surgeries and fold my knickers or clean my toilet? HELL NO...He doesn't do a thing around the house as far as housework is concerned and he shouldn't have to. He is a wonderful father and very hands on with our children so I have no complaints there. Does that make for a happy marriage? Obviously not, otherwise I wouldn't be on this board.

Do I know people in happy marriages? Yes. Do I know absolutely miserable single people? Yes. Just go to a match.com party and look around. It is the island of misfit toys. We all want the same things in life, a little bit of happiness and some peace. Life has just gotten too complicated for everyone , married and single. it is a sad sad world.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:54pm

I think it all depends on the day and the mood when you ask me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:27am
My marriage is the same. I feel constantly like I have to take care of everything, house, child, bills, etc. But at the same time my husband makes it easier is some ways by offering the financial support (as little as it is) and does take care of our daughter to give me a little free time. For some reason I am not ready to end this marriage though even with it being a "roommate" situation. Eventually, I will think that I deserve more. Hopefully not all marriages are like this, but I would almost rather be alone!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 12:10pm
I certainly didn't mean to imply that I revel in other's miseries...I just mean to say that it makes me remember how miserable I was in my marriage.

One of the things that I find really ironic is that most single people are looking for a relationship, but a lot of married people complain about their marriage. Part of that I know is that people probably vent the negative things more often than the positive. I mean how often does someone walk around exclaiming, "I am so happy!" Not often.

Also, I am the first to admit that their are issues with being married, single, or a single parent. I've been all of the above. Maybe the lesson in this is to look for the good in whatever situation you're in and focus on that. (Does that sound to Pollyanna-ish?)

Yesterday I just felt kind of down. I don't think there's any doubt that our lives are enhanced by strong, loving relationships, but I do sometimes wonder if there is such a thing as a strong, loving, LONG-TERM relationship. Happiness, however, is a personal decision.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:09pm
So true, happiness is a decision, in fact there is a whole book written on the subject but of course now I do not remember the title.

another good book is called "surrendering to marriage" and it talks about the grass is greener on the other side syndrome that we all seem to have at one point or another. Married people think that when they are single that life will be peachy and when they get to that point they are just as unhappy as when they were married, only now they are paying off big lawyer bills and passing their kids back and forth like ping pong balls. It was a really sad book to read but it was also very good for me. Everything in life is a trade off. If I get divorced then I have my freedom, I can meet a man that I truly love, make my own decisions, etc etc....but it isn't all peachy, being a single mom has its drawbacks and I don't care what anyone says, divorce effects children. I don't judge anyone for getting divorced, I may be on that road myself..however I think people need to see that all is not peaches and roses on the other side.

Just look at the statistic of marriages between people that were once in an affair together. Not too great...

Jazzdiva