Are "they" always the bad guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2009
Are "they" always the bad guys
9
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 3:10pm

...or could they be just as confused and addicted as us? I'm so happy to have found this site and don't want to rock the boat, but I have this curiosity and

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 3:30pm
bella - I don't have an answer, but I was thinking that EXACT same thing this a.m.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 3:56pm

Bella :)


You are on the money.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 5:09pm

Nah Bella, that aren't all bad but their and our behaviors while having the A was bad.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 5:13pm

Bella -

I agree that it takes two. There might be one person who initiates things more and that might not always be the man. But, why aren't very many men on these sites? It definitely seems to affect women more emotionally than men, but that doesn't make the men bad people. However, I do also think many of these situations were cases where the men were treating the women pretty badly and the women went back for more.

I think it does help to get angry sometimes. The important point is that we need to make sure we are in control of our own destiny and that it is not determined based on someone else's decisions especially someone outside of your marriage. Sometimes it is easier to do that and feel stronger when you are angry at the other person.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 9:06pm

Bella did you see my "I might get flamed for this" post?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2009
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 10:30pm
Vic, that was a great post, thanks for directing me to it! (I still hadn't discovered ivillage at that point in time!) In the past few days of being on this board, I was just seeing such a broad generalization in many posts that all male xAPs are bad and "out to get us" etc etc. That we should ignore him, not give him any explanation for our NC, etc. Like he's not even human. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who was wondering about the hypocrisy of such a philosophy! In my opinion, xAP and I are equally "bad" in our behavior. The difference is he was able to handle his emotions (via compartmentalizing, I'm sure) much better than I!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 9:13am

I'm one of the 'vets' on this board and so anything I say comes straight from my experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 9:35am

Of course they're just as confused and addicted. They're not bad people, they just behaved very badly, just the same as we did.

As for posts attacking them, they serve a few purposes. One, anger is a part of the grieving process and venting on EAS is a good way of expressing the anger and letting it go without harming anyone. Way better than venting on xAP!

Second, they also help dispel the fog and the addictive tendencies. If you are confronted with reality (he's not such a perfect, princely fellow, is he) it helps wake you up and start focusing on yourself and your healing.

I went through a long period of anger. At this point I no longer think or dwell on what xAP did to me. He didn't treat me well but, I don't really care anymore, it's buried in the past and the future has a ton of possibilities (I'm Single).

So, look at it as a phase we go through in our healing, and EAS as a safe place to vent and let go of those emotions. You have to take it all in perspective.

hugs!

trixie xo



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 10:35am

Yes, there are some negative threads and a tendency to trash Xmm/Xap's but being that this is mainly a woman's site, it's all part of the sisterhood that forms here.

Iddy

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