Your poor little head never stops churning. And I get it. You are wading through these early days of NC and the thoughts are enough to drive you nuts. So, first, I will say that I am glad you came here and posted and did NOT send him the "F" you email that so many of us want to send. I have composed so many of those in my head... oh what I'd like to say to him. But you know what? You'd just be making more of a fool out of yourself. That's my opinion. I will not give him the satisfaction of one more word. Like so many have said here before, one more word does no good. By walking away and sticking to NC, you are telling him loud and clear that you are done and that is it... and then who the heck cares what he thinks or how he interprets the message. He will surely hear that it is over. And then he has to deal with it in his own way just as you have to deal with it in yours.
The big issue here Alice is that you have to retrain yourself to stop caring what he thinks. What he thinks no longer has any bearing on your life whatsoever, period. So, everytime you find yourself wondering what he's thinking or rationalizing giving him a piece of your mind, tell yourself to STOP it. And then remind yourself that it simply doesn't matter and you shouldn't be wasting any more time thinking about him or letting him rent space in your head. You ended the A to gain back your control, yet you surrender it to him with all this obsessive thinking.
So honey, this is tough love Jane- and you know I hate being tough love Jane, but it's necessary sometimes. I know this is hard. I do. I've been in your shoes and I still struggle with some of what you are talking about to- but it's time to start gaining back your control and your dignity. It's time to stop letting him rent so much space in your head. It's time to stop. Keep working on that and each day it will get easier.
Hi Alice! Isn't it funny how we continue to question the whole NC thing? For months all I wanted to do was one little email to let him know how disappointed I was that he spoke of our affair to someone. I wanted to let him know that he wasn't the guy I thought he was. I didn't want him thinking I was pining after him after all that time had passed. But I held strong. Then one recent evening I get a text from him (4 months later), telling me that what we had was "special and rare". Well....I pondered over this for a few hours mostly because I knew I had to be honest with all of you if I caved. I knew that I didn't have those "in love" feelings for him anymore and I knew that if I did respond that my healing would not be put in jeopardy so I went ahead and responded with "day late, dollar short". I also told him he was not the man I thought he was and that he disappointed me. I know I was wrong in answering him but because I know where I am in the healing process, I knew that it wouldn't be a set back for me. You have to decide for yourself where you are in that process. I do feel better now that I know he knows how I feel. In some sick way it gave me my power back. The last thing I wanted was him to think I was still devastated by the A. For most of the women here it is not the right thing to do, but you have to know yourself. It sounds like it would be a real set back for you and you don't want to destroy any progress you made. Hope that helps. Love, AAI
Oh, Alice...listen to Jane, wise and tough love Jane, that is. All I can add is something I did: I just think of that smirk he would have on his face reading such an email and thinking oh yeah, she misses me. So don't do it!
The last time I saw my xAp (a week ago for work) ... he started crying because he was so sad that I was so devastated by the end of our A and that we couldn't be together in RL, that I couldn't even look him in the eye. This is how they re-frame it. To save their shattering egos.
They don't get it. Thankfully, I don't need him to get it.
Neither do you.
Your wellness will never (again) be contingent on him getting it.
Hahaha, I love your post! This is great and I too, as all of us do I am sure struggle with wanting to write him an email saying EFF YOU BUDDY!!!!!
But we can't because while it will make us feel better for maybe a couple hours (if that long) we will regret it by breaking NC and if we don't get the response we "want" whether that be them ranting back at us or asking us why we are saying "that" for or whether we hear nothing (which is exaclty what I would get from my XAP and that would then just make me even more angry, lol). I know it sucks, it really sucks but just keep up with the NC and PROOVE to him that you are done and make him believe (even if it isn't the case) that you are so not bothered by his lame, dumb, no-good, idiotic, egotistic, self absorbed and worthless self anymore!!!! It will and does get to them, TRUST ME!
Oh Alice... what are we gonna do with you?
Your poor little head never stops churning. And I get it. You are wading through these early days of NC and the thoughts are enough to drive you nuts. So, first, I will say that I am glad you came here and posted and did NOT send him the "F" you email that so many of us want to send. I have composed so many of those in my head... oh what I'd like to say to him. But you know what? You'd just be making more of a fool out of yourself. That's my opinion. I will not give him the satisfaction of one more word. Like so many have said here before, one more word does no good. By walking away and sticking to NC, you are telling him loud and clear that you are done and that is it... and then who the heck cares what he thinks or how he interprets the message. He will surely hear that it is over. And then he has to deal with it in his own way just as you have to deal with it in yours.
The big issue here Alice is that you have to retrain yourself to stop caring what he thinks. What he thinks no longer has any bearing on your life whatsoever, period. So, everytime you find yourself wondering what he's thinking or rationalizing giving him a piece of your mind, tell yourself to STOP it. And then remind yourself that it simply doesn't matter and you shouldn't be wasting any more time thinking about him or letting him rent space in your head. You ended the A to gain back your control, yet you surrender it to him with all this obsessive thinking.
So honey, this is tough love Jane- and you know I hate being tough love Jane, but it's necessary sometimes. I know this is hard. I do. I've been in your shoes and I still struggle with some of what you are talking about to- but it's time to start gaining back your control and your dignity. It's time to stop letting him rent so much space in your head. It's time to stop. Keep working on that and each day it will get easier.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Love, AAI
Oh, Alice...listen to Jane, wise and tough love Jane, that is. All I can add is something I did: I just think of that smirk he would have on his face reading such an email and thinking oh yeah, she misses me. So don't do it!
The last time I saw my xAp (a week ago for work) ... he started crying because he was so sad that I was so devastated by the end of our A and that we couldn't be together in RL, that I couldn't even look him in the eye. This is how they re-frame it. To save their shattering egos.
They don't get it. Thankfully, I don't need him to get it.
Neither do you.
Your wellness will never (again) be contingent on him getting it.
((Hugs))
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hahaha, I love your post! This is great and I too, as all of us do I am sure struggle with wanting to write him an email saying EFF YOU BUDDY!!!!!
But we can't because while it will make us feel better for maybe a couple hours (if that long) we will regret it by breaking NC and if we don't get the response we "want" whether that be them ranting back at us or asking us why we are saying "that" for or whether we hear nothing (which is exaclty what I would get from my XAP and that would then just make me even more angry, lol). I know it sucks, it really sucks but just keep up with the NC and PROOVE to him that you are done and make him believe (even if it isn't the case) that you are so not bothered by his lame, dumb, no-good, idiotic, egotistic, self absorbed and worthless self anymore!!!! It will and does get to them, TRUST ME!
C'mon alice - get a hold of yourself!!