Argh he texted me
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Argh he texted me
| Tue, 02-08-2011 - 11:53pm |
I knew something was coming- just had a feeling. Just on 3 mths of nothing and then BAM a text.
He's had a mental breakdown and is now impotent and is not handling life very well. I was the best sex he ever had. If anyone can make him feel like a man again - I can. Can we be f%$k buddies.
God. It sucked the life out of me. I cant block his number but we agreed that we wouldnt contact each other. I stuck to it- hard as it was. He obviously only stuck to it because he was going through a hard time. My first instonct took over and I crafted a response that said I AM NOT A WHORE! I WONT EVER BE THAT AGAIN, But.... I deleted it. I deleted his text and I hit EAS. F#$K. SH^T. I feel so cheap! It was only about the sex and the way I made him feel like a stud. God why did I ever do this to myself.
UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am crying, When does this stop. I will delete any other messages he sends- I will have them (thought I did that already but obviously not) sent immediately to delete. Im not tempted at all to even respond- thats not what has me so upset.
Its the fact that the whole thing was a big fat lie! The 'I Love Yous'. The gifts. The laying in bed talking and sharing our lives. UGH. I feel so slow. He has moved on from all of that and dwindled it down to its most base, disgusting denominator- sex. Thats all it was about for him at the end.
Feeling crappy as I have in mths- Im taking myself off to the gym. I WILL make it throuygh this. The F^%king P%$#K
Sorry guys- just venting- I'll be ok soon,
Iggy
He's had a mental breakdown and is now impotent and is not handling life very well. I was the best sex he ever had. If anyone can make him feel like a man again - I can. Can we be f%$k buddies.
God. It sucked the life out of me. I cant block his number but we agreed that we wouldnt contact each other. I stuck to it- hard as it was. He obviously only stuck to it because he was going through a hard time. My first instonct took over and I crafted a response that said I AM NOT A WHORE! I WONT EVER BE THAT AGAIN, But.... I deleted it. I deleted his text and I hit EAS. F#$K. SH^T. I feel so cheap! It was only about the sex and the way I made him feel like a stud. God why did I ever do this to myself.
UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am crying, When does this stop. I will delete any other messages he sends- I will have them (thought I did that already but obviously not) sent immediately to delete. Im not tempted at all to even respond- thats not what has me so upset.
Its the fact that the whole thing was a big fat lie! The 'I Love Yous'. The gifts. The laying in bed talking and sharing our lives. UGH. I feel so slow. He has moved on from all of that and dwindled it down to its most base, disgusting denominator- sex. Thats all it was about for him at the end.
Feeling crappy as I have in mths- Im taking myself off to the gym. I WILL make it throuygh this. The F^%king P%$#K
Sorry guys- just venting- I'll be ok soon,
Iggy

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This post should be in the healing library....at the top.
Well I stayed home from work today- I feel really low. I vascillated yesterday between outrage, anger, embarrassment that it was all so sleazy, hurt, sadness and then Id start that cycle again.
But today I wake up with.... concern. Great! Now Im actually concerned for him. When did this breakdown happen, is he ok, is he being treated, is he working, staying away from work- questions/questions!
I have to say though that I wasnt brave yesterday when I didnt respond. I DEFINATELY wanted to. It wasnt easy at all- in fact it was the hardest thing Ive done in ages. I didnt respond partly because I was disgusted and partly because of my commitment to NC. But mostly I didnt respond because I didnt trust myself not to get pulled into it- I may actually have agreed to his cheap proposal- I was disgusted in myself. He has such a pull on me.
Im pleased I didnt respond yesterday but OMG I am struggling with it today. I want to text and tell him Im sorry he's going through all that. But I wont. I cannot get into that toxic cr$p again. I just wont. But..... it makes me sad. We were such good friends (I know I know) and now he wouldnt even say what hapened, he said he knows we will never be friends, but how about a shag for my manhood's sake. God Im humiliated beyond words. I was a whore to him- after evrything we shared.
But the silver lining is what Iddy alluded to, I am silently thrilled that his perfect, rich, tailored suit, $25000 watch life is not all rosey. I always thought I could never be his W as he is a workaholic and he pushed himself to the limit. Well it went beyond his limit and its all crashing down. Secretly that pleases my inner biarch:) I genuinely do hope he gets well but maybe this will make him see that living a life centred on himself is not a healthy option- but who cares huh. My journey is about me- he is no longer a gutter running along that path.
Boy where is the chocolate when you need it?
Iggyx
Good that you didn't reply, good that you deleted it but uh hem...um WHY CAN'T YOU BLOCK HIS CALLS AND TEXTS?
You're doing great Iggy. You've worked so hard to get so far. Don't let that progress slip away now. He is not your problem and neither is his breakdown. You have to look after you.
Hugs and smiles.
Kat.
I now believe he didn't know how to love, buying things was his happiness. An empty shell filled with material things.
Iggy,
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I can understand this, but you have to look at the whole picture, honey. He has a W who committed to better or worse. He is her problem and her concern. Just because he had a selfish moment and gave you a peak into his life, that is all he would ever give you, you know? Just a peak. We never really knew the XAP like we thought we did. We only knew what they wanted us to know/see. For all you know his txt msg was just a trap, filled with lies to see if you would bite.
Yes Im feeling much better today thank you. My 'concern' of yesterday has subsided. Yep iddy I sat there and just drilled into my head - 'he's not your concern! He's not your concern! HE IS NOT YOUR CONCERN". In many ways I am grateful that he added the 'I had abreakdown, Im crying all the time.. with a 'lets F$%K'. It made it easier to not let my poor soft heart be totally trodden on. I am a nurturer by nature and my instinct is to help- anyone, anyhow. So for him to barb his sad news with a request for ongoing shallow sex, certainly helped to bring it al home to me that he is a lowlife of the worst kind'.
As you know I havent been able to block him as my phone is an offshoot of H's and the ph company needs his authorisation to block any numbers- too tricky. But H is starting a new job and wont be able to deal with a lot of random bill-paying things so we are changing a few things into my name. Last night I said 'oh we should chage the mobiles too'. He is getting the paperwork today and then I can block numbers!!!!
Yay- thank God. As Iddy said, all that text did was unravel me to my core- I dont need that anymore.
Iggy x
You said:
"I bent over backwards (almost literally) to make the sex good for him- always left me feeling cheap and exhausted
He was much more a taker than a giver lets put it that way. Yes he
loved the sex and Michelle I agree that it was probably only ever about
that and what he needed to do to keep it going."
I could have written this to a degree, but instead of feeling BAD I look at the positives.
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