Argh! He's sucking me back in!!!!
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Argh! He's sucking me back in!!!!
| Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:34am |
I did well for 5 days, NC although I had not made the decision to do that. I was just taking it day by day & seeing how it would go & how I felt. I decided to reply to his email from last Thursday but I kept it very short & impersonal. So what does he do? He responds & rather than being indifferent as he was last week, he threw in some flirty comments/compliments & said that we needed to put our heads together to figure out when we could see each other (he recently changed work shifts & now works 3rd shift which makes it a tad bid harder to see one another). Last week when I told him that I would like to see him again, he did not comment at all other than "things will work for us if they can to see each other" which told me he didn't care either way, hence, my lack of response until I replied last night.
Logically, I know that he still does not care about me, that this is him "throwing me a bone" to keep me hooked...maybe he sensed that I was pulling away and he's trying to keep me hooked so that I'll be there when he wants me to be there which of course is completely unfair to me. Then, there's the part of me that thinks maybe he does miss me/care for me & maybe he's just confused over doing the right thing beings that I am married & he has a serious girlfriend. I am frustrated w/him and w/myself for wanting to contact him---as a matter of fact, I'm already thinking that maybe I should call him today & see if we can meet up this afternoon and make it an official last visit--tell him this is it, it's too hurtful for me to go thru this anymore. Tell him that I know that he does not feel the same things for me & that is OK but I can't do this anymore. I have this whole scene thought out in my head of how it will go....semi-dramatic I know but nevertheless I'm thinking about it. I shouldn't do this, right?!??!?!!
I consider myself a strong, independent person but when it comes to this, I am weak without much willpower and so easily sucked in to the attention and the 'high' feelings of the situation. What to do.....
Logically, I know that he still does not care about me, that this is him "throwing me a bone" to keep me hooked...maybe he sensed that I was pulling away and he's trying to keep me hooked so that I'll be there when he wants me to be there which of course is completely unfair to me. Then, there's the part of me that thinks maybe he does miss me/care for me & maybe he's just confused over doing the right thing beings that I am married & he has a serious girlfriend. I am frustrated w/him and w/myself for wanting to contact him---as a matter of fact, I'm already thinking that maybe I should call him today & see if we can meet up this afternoon and make it an official last visit--tell him this is it, it's too hurtful for me to go thru this anymore. Tell him that I know that he does not feel the same things for me & that is OK but I can't do this anymore. I have this whole scene thought out in my head of how it will go....semi-dramatic I know but nevertheless I'm thinking about it. I shouldn't do this, right?!??!?!!
I consider myself a strong, independent person but when it comes to this, I am weak without much willpower and so easily sucked in to the attention and the 'high' feelings of the situation. What to do.....

i feel for you ,, i really do.
its amazing how our brains work..
figuring out all these scenarios and what if's.
so much thinking and too much thinking.
can't we just get out of our heads for a while???
i'm new here so i'm not privvy to your situation but it sounds like
you got a good head on your shoulders.
i tell ya,, sometimes i think i just need to get myself a new man so
i can get this damn one outta my head!!!!!
oh,, and fyi,,, if you do set up to see him,, beware.... i'm sure he is a charmer &
you'll melt all over again.
for me,, even just his damn voice smooths me over.
its ridiculous.
i'm such a sap!
Don't think that you have to end things in person. This is very, very hard.
I ended mine thru email and haven't seen him since (except for one sighting at work
and I'm not even sure he saw me.)
Anyway, I know you have heard it over and over again, and none of us like
to think about it in the beginning of the end, but No Contact works.
You need to get away from this man who made you lie and do things you most likely wouldn't have before you met him.
Get away from him and you will start to see things clearly in a couple of weeks after the fog lifts.
Good luck!
Oh, sure, he'll suck you back in IF you let him. If you don't permit it, he won't.
It really is that simple, hon. You decide what happens to you.
Work out why you're happy being a strong, independent person EXCEPT with OM. Why is it ok for this one particular person to treat you like a booty call yet you'd slap down anyone else who tried it?
Work out what you want, what you're getting from it, and weigh up whether it's worth it to you.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I don't know why I can be strong in all other areas of my life but this...it is frustrating to say the least. I'll be logical & get angry with his distance but then as soon as he says something sweet, I know that it would be really easy to just go with it & give it another round.
I haven't called him yet...I still want to dang it!
Rather than letting it simply frustrate you, why not take some time to figure out why THIS person is granted carte blanche to stomp on & wipe his feet all over you where no one else apparently has that privilege.
Try thinking about it each time you feel like phoning/texting/IMing/emailing/sending carrier pigeons, etc.
And, yes, it's far easier to simply not think about it too much and go with whatever feelings of entitlement to the right of the pursuit of happiness you have may lead you.
However, when there is a wife and/or a husband involved, they are also entitled to happiness, aren't they? If not, then why is our happiness more important than theirs?
You are the Captain of your very own ship, Falleasy. The people in your life will treat you exactly how you let them treat you. If you want to be stomped on and used as a doormat, then that's what'll happen.
You cannot control anyone but yourself. You can't control whether he phones, but you CAN control whether you take his calls or block his number to ensure you do not receive any more calls.
Only when you're ready to jump off the roller coaster will you actually do so and mean it. Your actions will match your words. Until then, enjoy the ride & pray hard no one else is hurt by your choices...
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie