ARGH! i caved!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
ARGH! i caved!!
8
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:29am

girls,
i must confess. i caved and broke NC. you guys have been amazing about reminding me not to, but i screwed up anyway. xAP emails me almost daily. so i was doing really well about just delete, delete, delete. we were 100% NC for about 8 days, and haven't seen each other for 3 weeks. so his last email was just like "hey, can you at least tell me how you're doing, i just dont want to lose touch with you" blah blah blah. so i wrote back that i needed to cut contact with him in the interest of my own recovery and healing. so he wrote back saying "ok, i understand, thank you for writing. i'm falling apart over here and you're the only one i can talk to about it. how are you managing it, can youb give me some advice?" and so i responded...telling him how i've been going to the gym like crazy, reading, writing, spending time w/ friends, etc. and he wrote back again thanking me. so...we seem to be back in contact.

i caved not because i miss him and love him or something, but i think i just got so damn frustrated with all his emails, taht i was like "ok, once and for all, i gotta tell this guy to get lost". the problem is, like you all warned me, like an addict who just can't take one hit, once we corresponded, i started missing him. i have so much affection forhim, and while i in NO WAY want to resume the A, it felt nice to exchange a few emails. he's so obviously baiting me, and i'm so easily giving in.

help me get back on the wagon--how do we re set the clock?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:53am

E~


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Your first response about cutting contact SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH. Where you went wrong is engaging him even further with a bunch of blah, blah, blah. What was that about? You know better than this. I followed your last thread and you received so many responses, and here you are completely throwing it all to the wind and for what? Well, you answered that too. You are an addict and he is your drug. You seem to totally lack will power, and this is going to continue to be your downfall. Why haven't you block him from your cell phone? Most services give you that option.


<>


NEWSFLASH. You are still having an A. Once you get that through your head maybe you'll start paying attention to what it is you have to do to really end it.


Until then,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 11:11am

Iddy is exactly right - when you really look at it, affairs are an addiction. And it takes a heck of a lot of willpower to overcome an addiction. It's taken me a long, long time to get to the point where I am right now - 7 1/2 years of the roller coaster. But like smoking, drinking, drugs, whatever your vice, NO one can make you quit until you are ready to. Until you've hit bottom enough times.

How do you reset the clock? You just do. You work on your resolve and tell yourself that you mean it this time. I've done it a thousand times.

Didn't you write No Cheese on your hand like I told you to??

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 11:25am

yea, you're right. i crumbled. i didn't even try to fight. he is blocked from my cell phone. i also just put his email address on my spam list.

yes, i know better. its never a question of knowing, right? none of us here are stupid. but i had a moment of weakness. i dont think i lack the willpower, its just that i choose not to exercise it. i'm playing with fire, its ridiculous and destructive. i posted because i wanted to confess my transgression and i need to start from scratch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 12:01pm

Hi-


Ok, I won't scold you. I know how hard it is to maintain NC and before this last ending, when I went NC for good, I broke NC so many times I can't even count. So, the point is, we've all been there and done that. Now it's time to move on. We can give you as much or as little advice as you need, but we can't make you heed it. You have to learn this stuff for yourself. So, what did you learn from this? That even a little contact really hurts right? That even casual conversation reopens the wounds right? That no contact really does mean no new hurts right? Please write down what you've learned and why you won't break NC again so that next time you get the urge, you can reread your notes and hopefully have the strength NOT to respond.


I know this is hard... probably one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you can do it. I know this because so many women and come before you who have. It takes guts. It takes courage. It takes strength and I think you have all of that. Keep pushing ahead.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 12:12pm

Okie dokie. Now what? Let's just say it was just a moment of weakness and not a generalized lack of commitment -- but that does not get you off the hook. I mean, you're going to have a million moments of weakness; how do you intend to deal with them? What is your game plan and what are your strategies for concurring these battles when they come up again?

Journal
make a call
come to EAS
get away from the computer
make a list
bang your head on the desk
????????????????

Again, you're not off the hook! I expect that you'll be posting your game plan for us to see sometime before bed tonight. right??

Better days ahead.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 12:58pm

thank you jane. yes, you're right, i have to learn lessons myself, and i have to devote myself to NC. what i learned from this that like you said, even casual conversation opens the wounds. being in this A was one the most stressful experience of my life. i was constantly tormented and torn. it was awful, and it put me through the emotional ringer. i dont need any reminders of that pain.

i also learned that its ultimately really pointless. there's nothing new to say, nothing has changed on his end, and i gained nothing from the exchange. he did agree to stop emailing me, but lets see if he sticks to it. i put his email on my SPAM list so it should go straight to trash.

you guys are awesome--even the scoldings are okay. because i know you've been there and i know you're scolding from a place of knowing the dangers of NC, and i should be heeding your warnings. and im also reminding myself that i when i was NC, it felt good, and it still feels good to not have seen him in 3 weeks. so, stickign to NC is better than breaking it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 4:37pm
Block him! putting him on your spam list is NOT enough. It still gives you the option when you are weak to look in the spam box... be honest with yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 5:33pm

yea i think you're right. because his lack of respect for the lines i've drawn is blatant. after that brief exchange my next email from him was a sexy pic...so here he goes, trying to take a foot when i give him an inch.

i'm not being firm enough and i'm leaving myself vulnerable. arighty then. blocking his email address, NOW.

as far as a longer term plan--when i get the urge to cave and break NC, i'm going to walk away from the computer and quickly do something else. like any urge, it will pass.

no cheese, please :)