#@#$# ARGHH

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
#@#$# ARGHH
6
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 6:51pm

as you may or may not know, i've blocked his email address. so today i get an email from a different email address of his (i guess its his work one, which i didn't know) saying something like..."oh hey, thanks for asking,t he surgery went well, and now i have a blood clot in my thigh! so glad things are great for you! well best of luck on your awesome life!"

i deleted it and blocked his work email addy as well.

and now i'm fuming. wtf. i am STRUGGLING to maintain NC, and i am doing really hard at coping with my guilt across the board. and im sorry his surgery didn't go exactly how he wanted. and he's sitting there assuming my life is peachy f*cking keen.

when do they learn? when the h*ll will they understand that A's are destructive and they have to end? when will this jerk off stop blaming me and acting like the victim, and start taking a good look in the friggin mirror? i'm trying to do the right damn thing here. why is it so hard?

phew. ok
done now :) thanks kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 7:20pm
Hi Exi...
Wow...I know where you are. I understand your needing to vent. Once again...it is all about "him", isn't it. They are sly as a fox. The MM I was involved with was a pro at this very same thing. So many times. He knew exactly what to say, always played the "woe is me" card. They can really bust your chops when they use such tactics. Stay strong and make NC your #1 priority! Please don't let him suck you back in. Shake it off. This too shall pass. Keep posting, read other fellow EAS posts, vent, scream, walk it off. Phone a friend. Remember the pain. Do you want to go through that again? Do everything possible not to fall for the "pitiful me" routine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 9:14pm

Hang in there Exi - with all your worth. My xAP was sending me emails and texts with suicidal connotations ... it was awful. The first time I responded, and that lead to a planned Dday on his end, and a complete relapse into affair world. I hadn't responded to the dozens of fishing attempts up until those ones. He finally found a way to get to me. He would use any and all opportunities to send me sulky, poor-me emails. He assumed my silence and NC was a sign that my life was going on swimmingly. I just let him go on believing that. Contact by me wouldn't change anything - except to make it worse - prolong the suffering. I had to care enough about EVERYONE in the picture to resist the incredible urges to leap to his rescue. Leaping to his momentary craving for me always lead me back down into the deepest depths of sorrow, regret and heartache. That's why we did this - remember? We chose to stop the madness because they were unable/unwilling/incapable of doing so.

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou






Edited 9/20/2010 11:05 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 10:53pm

Oh exi, I'm feelin' your pain tonight :(

My XAP tried to call me--no lie--about 40 times tonight. He was blowing up my phone with calls and emails and texts, having a real meltdown.

He recently moved back in with his W, and it apparently didn't take him long to say, WTH did I do?

And tonight he was really determined. One call after another . . . my phone was lighting up and ringing like Times Square. Two of my kids were with me and they were like, "Mom, what's up with your phone?!"

Sometimes these guys can't take the rejection, the blocking and us saying, "No more cake eating. It's over."

It's soooo hard to not respond, I know . . . I think it's hard when they don't fish because then you're left wondering, "Does he even miss me?" But fishing attempts are extremely difficult too, because each one is an opportunity for us to either keep that door shut or open it back up, one more time.

Keep the door shut, girlie. The only thing on the other side of that door is more pain, I promise you. Nothing ever changes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:13am

thank you girls for your kind replies. it's always good to know you're not alone, although i'm sorry your xAPs put you through/are putting you through the same thing.

i'm not responding, i deleted it, and the moment has passed. i'm sticking to NC. i just hate that he's got this idea that my world is perfect and he's been left in the dust. when is he going to be honest with himself about the damage he's caused?

i just wonder if he'll ever understand. i realize that i shouldn't worry about what he thinks or what he needs, but there's this part of me that wants so desperately for him to finally get it, to say "ya know what, this was an affair, not true love, and we both have to move on". what did he think would happen when we got involved? we're both married, did he think we were going to ride off into the sunset together? every A comes built in with an expiration date, this was ours.

like i said, i realize that he needs to come to terms with things in his own way, that i can't expect him to have an AHA moment and then completely understand and forgive my cutting him off. i need to focus on myself. on the one hand i feel bad for him that he's still stuck in the A fog, and on the other hand, it burns me up that being a smart guy, he just hasn't made the connection that i did the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:44am

Hi Exi- I am so sorry you received that text, but so proud of you for working through the moment and NOT responding. It is so hard in that moment, isn't it? They play on our emotions, they try to suck us back in, and sometimes it feels like we are holding on with just our fingertips. But you did it. The storm has passed and tomorrow will be a new day. We can't control how they (xaps) handle things- we can only control ourselves. And I know you know that. I just wanted to give you kudos for staying strong and getting through it.



Hugs,



Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/