[ARTICLE]: "How to Get Over a Breakup" (LOLZ PARADE)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
[ARTICLE]: "How to Get Over a Breakup" (LOLZ PARADE)
2
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 9:42pm

I found this article online and thought it was at least partially helpful.  Some of the advice listed really applies! (link:  http://lolzparade.com/relationships/how-to-get-over-a-breakup?page=15)

#15 Don't Wallow in Grief:  Sad songs only lead to crying jags and wondering what might have been. The first step to healing is not letting them hurt your heart any more than it already is.

#14 Get up and dance!:  Grab your friends and go out for a night on the town and shake what you got! Just remember to shake it alone, you don't need any more complications right now!

#13 Go shoe shopping:  It's amazing how a gorgeous new pair of shoes can lift your mood (or two or three pairs for that matter!)

#12 Join a gym:  Surpress the urge to bury your sorrows in a bucket of ice cream. Instead, go out and join a gym. It not only gives you something to do, it helps you feel better about yourself.

#11 Learn something new:  Join a cooking or art class, or learn how to do something you've always wanted to do. You'll be affirming yourself and yes, you'll be putting yourself out there to meet new people. It's better than becoming a hermit!

#10 Listen to some uplifting music:  Music has the power to change your mood -- for good or bad. Find music that lifts you up and inspires you!

#9 Get away for awhile:  It's amazing what even a weekend away can do for your state of mind! Schedule a trip with some friends and go have a little fun.

#8 Volunteer:  Volunteer at a local animal or homeless shelter. Instead of dwelling on your own pain, you'll be helping those in need, and that feels great!

#7 Go Shopping!  Scared to wear half your wardrobe since it reminds you of them? Go out and have a little retail therapy, it really does help.

#6 Visit a spa:  A day of pampering can really help you feel better, body and soul.

#5 Resist the urge to cyberstalk:  Breakups today are totally different than they used to be. Don't cyberstalk, it's just hurting you! Unfriend them on Facebook and unfollow them on Twitter. Trust us, it's for the best!

#4 Remove painful reminders:  We know, we know, you'll always treasure that little gift. Bottom line? If it reminds you of them and is causing you pain, toss it. In six months you won't even remember it existed.

#3 Discover something new every day:  Make a goal to discover something new in your neighborhood every day -- whether it's a little store, or a new restaurant. It not only gives you something to look forward to, it helps take your mind off the pain.

#2 Make a change:  Always wanted to do your hair or nails differently, but didn't because "they" didn't like it? Here's your chance! Have a little fun, experiment and get a little crazy. It's all about revealing the new and improved you! K, maybe not a faux-hawk, but you get the point.

#1 Move on:  They're out of your life, and you're ready for the next adventure! Resist the urge to text or call, and delete their number. It's best to make a clean break and start new. You've got a lot to look forward to!

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010

Someone who has been there, done that..................wrote that.

All good advice.

If you are feeling sorry for yourself, you have to be the number one advocate to end the sadness in your life.

Thanks for posting.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012

I agree, Ratherbeme.  Someone with experience wrote that.

I noticed that LOLZ Parade updated that list - and added this:

Let it sink in...for 15 minutes (okay, so it's been longer than 15 mins in my case):

For me personally, this also means reminding myself why I ended my A whenever I get misty-eyed:

Truth #1:  He was going to be unavailable for a *VERY* long time.  This meant an uncertain future.  He has three (3) kids still in school; a co-parenting arrangement with shared rotating living arrangements w/ spouse; he was emotionally unavailable and was constantly texting/checking email when we were together, etc.... I remember hearing a text message come in on his phone at 3 AM.  I wondered just who was contacting him at that hour!

When I was single/divorced 10+ yrs ago, I was completely free (I didn't have children with my 1st husband - and I still don't have kids into my 2nd marriage).  I dated a man similar to my xAP - except that man was fully divorced.  Even so, he was still very much entwined in the family thing and fought frequently with his ex.  The children always came first - it was like a popularity contest with his wife sometimes... who did the kids love more, mommy or daddy.  I tried hard to support them - fed them, took trips together, expressed love for them, etc... but it never felt right for me.  It was like they were all in a survival boat together and I was in the attached dinghy behind them.  So even after the divorce happens, it can take YEARS before someone can truly move on.

Truth #2:  It was getting messy - I knew it, but he was always holding it together/holding it inside.  He was going through a difficult separation and divorce (his wife cheated on him with a mutual friend) and he was keeping everything bottled up inside.  He showed surprisingly little emotion and this was alarming to me.

They were forced to short-sell their home; he had to sort through their belongings, his tools, including big power tools he once used.  He talked about it so factually with me, like it was just another activity.  (If I were forced to examine, sort through and dispose of the evidence of my life, I would be terribly sad.)  This was a red flag for me.

Truth #3:  He was geographically unavailable.    He lives nearly 500 miles away and was geographically unavailable.  I think he wanted it that way - he could have it both ways - time with the kids/local friends & getting their sympathy that he was "alone"; when I was far away, out of sight and undetectable by people close to him.

Truth #4: The A wasn't enough for me and was not satisfying.  The time that followed intimacy, in moving on to the day, was awkward and unsatisfying.  I wanted him to hug me, look long and lovingly into my eyes; perhaps sneak a kiss or whisper in my ear.  That just didn't happen.  I don't think he knew what to do... it had apparently been so long since he had made love the first time we got together.

Also, while his text messages were beautiful, our phone conversations left me flat.  In our last phone call, all we talked about was his new job, his kids, his this... his that.  At some point, I wanted him to ask about me and how I was doing; how I was dealing with my own serious marital problems... I wanted him say how much he missed me; when he thought we could get together again; how he thought of me in the middle of his work day, etc... but he didn't.  He was ready to hang up without repeating some of the beautiful things he expressed in his texts.  It was unsatisfying.

Truth #5:  I started to have feelings for him; I could see I was starting to get attached/needy in the face of an uncertain future.  I never knew when we could be together.  Plans were not made and I refused to make suggestions.  I absolutely did not want to become attached to him (knowing all the the above truths!), but was heading there.  I felt I was losing control and becoming a little needy.  I found this to be the most difficult to deal with.  I think when people get attached in a bad situation like this, and don't stop what's making them so, there's a good chance someone else will stop it for them.  In my case, I felt that if I could not control where and when this A was going, I could at least have control over when and how it ended.

Truth #6:   I was making him out to be more than he really was.  He was kind of boring, really.  His job was his life.  He could talk up a storm about his (technical) work and his golf game, but beyond that, he struck me as being socially awkward (it's funny, there's a TV commercial running at the moment about a guy who gets dumped after his girlfriend tells him how boring he is - http://nyti.ms/OdwLa7). 

I'm posting this so that I can go back and remind myself why my A had to end.  I hope it helps some of the other posters to think about the reality of their own situation as well.