ARTIST-ANYONE Staying Friend s?

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Registered: 03-02-2005
ARTIST-ANYONE Staying Friend s?
8
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 9:37am
Hi Artist, You said you were managing to stay friends in a limited way with XMM and I am struggling with that issue. Basically my xmm is committed to being my friend, going back to the friendship we once had. Being supportive and talking of work or other appropriate things. I have been pretty emotional with him and he has been great, supportive and patient reminding me of the why's. I told him today that I don't know why we are trying to do this and he said if I don't want to be friends he understands and accepts my decision. The problem I am having is that I do want to be friends but (1) I am hurt that he is content to just be my friend. Although mentally I understand. (2) Is it for real or is there some underlying evil plan that I am failing to see? He wants us to just forget about the A like it never happened but I have a hard time reconciling the great guy who was my friend and the jerk who hurt me so bad. So basically it is up to me to decide what I want. I want to not feel hurt and have him for a friend but I just don't know if I am strong (or stupid?) enough. I know everyone says that you can't be friends, I feel like I could be friends if I am willing to accept that from him. Maybe I think I am some special case or my XMM is different since he was always guilty and is happy to be doing the right thing. Anyways has anyone had this situation and what happens next? It has been 4 months of this and he seems to be sticking to it.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 11:08am

Hi istmekc,
I don't email much here, but I do read these threads almost daily. They have helped me so much although it may not seem like it right now after you read this..

The guy I was involved with wants to be friends too. I broke off contact with him about 3 months ago and haven't heard anything from him. Before I broke off the contact, he wanted it to just be a friendship also. I tried that for 6 months and it was very difficult for me. Even with the no contact, I still thought about him alot - more than I thought I should have been. I guess I broke down and emailed him a few days ago to see how he was doing. Wasn't too sure he would email me back, but he did that same day, which somewhat surprised me. He said he was really happy to hear from me, etc.. It made me feel good to know that he responded - one less feeling of rejection I guess, but I too am at a point where you are at of wondering if maybe there is an underlying reason why he still wants to keep in contact, or am I lying to myself and wondering what is my reason for emailing him again. He too also wants to forget the affair like it never happened. How do guys do that?

That was the main reason I broke off contact because I couldn't pretend and I couldn't keep it superficial and continue to talk about the weather, etc.. When I broke it off, he said he understood my feelings and that it was up to me if I wanted to keep the friendship and to email him sometime if I wanted to. He lives in a different state so our affair has been mainly an emotional one although we did meet once and spent 4 days together. Living far far away was probably a good thing since we would have seen each other more.

I just got to work this morning, did my routine of reading the posts here looking for support to get me thru this and found your post. I just had to respond. I can't give you any answers since I have my own mess to figure out, but I can definitely relate to you.

Maybe we can help each other thru this..

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 4:35am

there are a few reasons whey someone might want to stay friends (in my opinion)

1) They'd miss the part that gave them attention and unconditional affection (who wouldn't) You might have even had an "intellectual" relationship that he really did enjoy and you as well. Couldve been how it all started ya know...people miss stuff they enjoy like that (hope that makes sense).

2) Habits (people) are hard to break accept for those total sociopaths

3) Sometimes the more "evil" ones...are very good at knowing how to keep someone from getting really mad and potentially screwing with their life...so they make sure that you don't get so angry so they soften it with the "friends" thing. Yup, it happens. I still don't know if that is what happened in my case.

4) Some leave that door open (never want burn a bridge) so that eff buddy situation can still happen. (not in my case as sex wasn't the basis of our A but the majority of it was long long long seduction leading up to just one incidence and then it all changed).

5) Some actually were in love and experience the same "i know i cant be in this but I cannot fathom them not in my life" thing that women feel all the time.

6) Some just know its the thing to say...can't be heartless but its more of a transitional way of ending things. "Don't want to be the bad guy".

perhaps more reasons exist? Do any apply? Would you know for sure if they did anyway?

All i know is that I can't be friends ......genuinely...because I tried because it was the right thing to do on my part to "honor" my love for him..("how can i just walk away if i love him..i should at least be his friend otherwise its not real") ....but i realized all it was ...was a bonus for him because he can have me as a friend in everyway but sexually....meanwhile he is getting other things from another (his new g/f) ...honor is a great thing but it can hurt like hell when you choke on it...and my choking on it would come up as snarky defensive remarks or questions...I didn't want to be that person. I can no longer take care of him...someone who ultimately rejected me for something i feel is much "easier" and more "supeficial" etc...became the rejection of me ..reflected too much. I would relish the attention from him that he had to come to me for friendship...yes....but that still keeps me cold at night or when i need someone...still a 50% relationship. I am a woman ... I do indeed need more from a man. It resolved nothing.

I still balk at my friend who i used to admire for "staying" friends with her former suitors...i reallly do believe that she is bulls*itting me and herself....they want to be back in her life...she basks in their attention...and won't admit that its that way when she is broken up with someone else. It was all very noble to me...and I felt weak that I couldn't be like she is (the "grown up adult" about remaining friends with someone i love) ....but I think I am onto something and she just cannot admit to me what that is really all about regardless of if she broke up with them (hmm interesting she is friends with those guys) or if they broke up with her (she is more stoic about those).
I digress...

I also think its much different when someone is trying to remain friends with an ex SPOUSE because kids are involved. There are some mighty fine reasons to try to do that.

If anyone cares to add to the reasons I came up with...please do.
Learning,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:06am

<<<>>>

How about you....are you "sticking to it" or do you just SEEM to be sticking to it?

Believe me - I am finding that maintaining a friendship with my XMM is not a preferred choice of options. It is unfortunately inevitable given the circumstances of both XMM and my DH and myself all working together in the same profession in the same small town. When we have contact I try to make the best of a very unhealthy situation and keep our conversations mutually supportive of our decision to end our A. I live in fear of the day we happen to run into to each other and we are both feeling weak (and god forbid if alcohol is being served!)

The one time when I called him (when I really didn't NEED to initiate a conversation for business reasons) it was very painful for me to say good bye - give the child a bit of candy and she wants MORE.... I guess what I am trying to explain that I almost view the interactions that we have had since the end of our A (March 30, 2005)as withdrawal "hiccups" and I feel with time our contact will become increasingly less personal and strictly professional - it has to be or our A will never really END but fade into an emotional A that will have an exetremely high risk of returning to a PA if we BOTH do not continue on the path of committed personal healing.

My thought to you would be that just in you having to ask this question you intuitively know that a continuing "friendship" is not an option for you. It sounds like you have already made much more progress that I have in breaking those ties that bind you to your XMM - why take the risk of moving backwards in your process?

Hope this helps - I will come back and talk some more soon....

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 10:06am

jstmekc,

I'm kinda poking in here since I know you were really asking ARTIST... but just my thoughts on the whole friendship thing.

I have gone over and over trying to be friends with xMM since we work together. Friendship would be much easier then this stilted, awkward thing we have going now.

The conclusion I've come to is that if we are truly over xMM, recognize it was a mistake, not meant to be, don't want to visit that place again, etc etc it shouldn't pose a problem.

The issue becomes how truly neutral and indifferent we are about them. I have old boyfriends that I could be friends with now because I don't care anymore in that way and I wouldn't re-visit it. I wouldn't even think much about it because it poses no risk so it's not worth me going over and over it in my mind.

A lot of it revolves around how we still feel about our xMM's. I think the temptation is to keep an emotional affair going which will not serve well in rebuilding our M's.

ARTIST, you might have a better chance of it since you've said in the past that you knew all along that it was just filling a void and that you're really fairly happy to be out of it.

I'm not sure I'm at that point yet - and I have to admit there were many times during the A that I entertained the fantasy that someday xMM and I could work as 'an above board couple' and that's taking me a long time to dismantle. As long as I have even one brick left that hasn't been removed from that fantasy I know I can't truly be "friends" because there is a risk.

I am seeking more than friendship when I talk to him (I'm saying this consciously but most of it is unconscious when I'm talking to him) and it's certainly not neutral. Jstmekc, if you're still upset that he can be "just friends" and not demand more that may be an indication of a brick still left on the pile.

Just my $0.02 cents, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 2:28pm

Thanks for all of your great replies! Lizzie I needed to see those reasons because I feel like I am confused by XMM and so even though he says many of reasons, I doubt him. I feel like an idiot and so used. Which brings up the main issue that ARTIST and WIP bring up: Why am I having a hard time with this? Why do I feel so hurt and rejected? I knew he was never leaving his family and I never planned on leaving mine. He had a problem with it every time we were ever together. He was always guilty. I just feel so second best and unimportant to him. It hurts that he dosen't care if I am in his life or not. He says that is not true and that if things were different, blah, blah but they are not. We both have responsibilities and how could we hurt all of those people? He says he misses me and that is why he calls and does want me in his life but that I enjoy making myself feel bad. He says I always hurt myself by taking things in the worst possible way. He gets mad and says why do you do that to yourself? I don't know. Why can't I just believe that he loves and cares about me and this is the right thing to do and accept it and be OK.

Am I going to throw away this friendship? So if I can't have it all I am not willing to have any? I don't know if I am content to have a conversation every few weeks. I enjoy having him for a friend but I cannot seem to get past my pride on this one. I try to tell myself there is no hurry. If we are going to build a friendship we have plenty of time and it will either happen or not.

Thanks for the answers, and the support. I know fixing my M should be the real issue in my life but it gets so painful for me that it is easier to worry about xmm. It seems like DH and I still have the same issues we have had forever and while I am struggling he is fine to watch TV and live a life with no IC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 12:28pm
Hi Jstmekc,
I'm in your exact same situation. It's as if you were talking about my own story.
You know, we would have to be robots with a heart of stone to be able to stay friends with these Xmm since it will bring us the pain of the rejection, the loss, the abandonment feelings, the anger, it all comes back and if you can endure the pain you do now by talking to him, I guarantee you, you will get through detaching yourself from the "friendship".
I think for me, I have had this need to keep him by my side, it's like ana imaginary safety blanket I have so that he's there in case I need him, but he's really not there. It's just me not being able to let go.
Once I realized the reality that he was committed to his W and decides to keep spending the rest of his life with her, it really hit me and hurt so much.
Also, when I think about it, my friends have not told me that they love me and then made me feel as if I'm not good enough. My friends have not tried to keep me on the side as a secret friend from their partner. He has told me the same thing. I want the best for you, If you think our friendship hurts you, I want you to heal. He leaves it completely up to me and takes 0 responsibility and he's right, it is up to me but part of me is so angry at his "Giving and Caring" attitude. Would a caring person be still lying to their partner while keeping communication with the person they want to spend the rest of their life with? do I really want friends like that? I thought I needed any friend, I thought I should take his crumbs if he were willing to give them to me, but I don't want to hurt anymore. I've had enough and I'm not going to be in contact with him under any circumstances.
I'm really glad you are here talking about it.
You are so worth not hurting anymore and you deserve real friends and real love in your life.
Take care.
Star
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 6:34pm

Well since I posted this I basically made the decision to not be friends. I told my H about the A and when XMM called he was really angry that "I told on him" and that "you didn't check with me first". Wow! I had thought it was my marriage and my Husband. I think I have talked to XMM twice since then. Mostly because he was afraid of what my H would do so XMM was on his best behavior trying to make sure we didn't tell his W. XMM, my H and I all work at the same company (different locations) and my H cares more about my reputation then getting even. I have no doubt that XMM wife would try to get me fired.

XMM and I have not spoken for the last two weeks. I know that if I call he will talk, if I email he will email back after all he may need my help with his career sometime in the future and he dosen't want to lose the possible support. It is hard for me to feel like he was ever my friend. I just keep thinking he used me and dosen't care. If that is what it takes for me to move on then that is what I will think. I am done making excuses for XMM. When we had IC he would call his w afterwards in front of me. I would feel so hurt and he has apologized a million times but I can not accept his apologies. It was such an inconsiderate and rude thing to do and I let him treat me like that! I am just thankful that I don't work in the same office with xmm anymore and I don't have to have anything to do with him. When I think of him I am just hurt and I definately don't need that.

I am working on my M and my H has asked me not to have any contact with XMM so I will honor my H and have nothing to do with XMM. After all my H chose to be with me even after what I have done. My H is by far the better man. I told XMM I want a man who is all mine and who is there for me and that is what I have with my H. Overall I am feeling so much better. I feel like I have myself back.

Thanks for your support! <<>> and happiness to you too!....kc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 8:19pm

KC,

Reading your story over and over again is helping me a lot!!!!!

Are you sure we were not involved with the SAME xMM???? I know most of us ask this question all the time.

Mine used to do the same thing. Each and every time we had IC and then when he would get dressed, right away he turned his cell phone on called his W, then before she picked up he would look and he and say "Shhhhh". And then he would make lunch plans with her right in front of me. How lovely! He would never wanna talk about his W and family to me, because as he used to say "I like to keep that separate" yet he would always have to call her in front of me.

I am glad you decided NOT to stay friends with your xMM!!!!! The so-called friendship our xMM's offer us is still a a TABOO. I mean, mine offered his friendship too after he ended it. If I would have taken up his offer for his "friendship" I would still be a secret in his life. Like he would ever invite me over to his house for a BBQ, or go to places with me in public, like REAL friends do. The frindship basically = I wanna take a break for a little bit away from you, play the good husband to my wife at home and then when I get the urge again I will call you.

I think in some cases, like if you work with your xMM, it gets a little difficult, because you still wanna maintain a cool atmosphere and NC would be impossible.

I never forget when xMM ended it and then I tried to call him for 2 days and he kept ignoring me and then I finally sent him a text saying that I told my H everything. Right away I got his attention, because he called me up in an instant. I guess he got scared and thought now his W may find out too. After that xMM was trying to be a good guy. After all he didn't even hesitate to meet with my H face to face and he even said to my H "Is there anything I can do to help?" I think he was a little too late with his so-called "caring".

My H is the same way as yours. I had such an urge to call xMM's W and believe me I won't do it, because eventually he WILL get his share back one way or the other. My H said it won't solve anything, but make things worst. I know xMM once told me that he used to have bad temper before his kids were born, so I don't even wanna know what he would do in certain situations.

I think we all feel used one way or the other by what these xMM's have done to us. All the time I used to make excuses for xMM that he cared about me, but now I know he NEVER did. If he did, he would have ended things much more decent.

Your H sounds like a GREAT guy and listen to what he says - DON'T contact xMM!!!!

Stay strong! I am trying, but I still have a LONG road ahead of me.

PG

P.S.: Sorry that I vented here a lot. I am just speaking my mind. It helps to let it all out.