Ashamed and hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
Ashamed and hurt
7
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 8:06am

Please don't judge me. 2012 was a long year for me with my family and xap.  I made it through the year but I am back. I had one final blow out with xap and within my final attempt to win him back I emailed him 10 times a day for a week and  I lost my dignity and any respect he would have had for me. it sucks but I think that is what I needed to stop contacting himjust guess I just needed to hear him say " I don't want you" for me to stop the madness.  I am so ashamed of my behavior these last few weeks that I don't know that I can ever look him in the eyes again or speak with him again. I just want to be erased from his universe. does that make sense to anyone? so instead of emailing him I am writing my email here:

How did we get here? How is it that you can send me such an email and not blink an eye, not look back? Not care how I feel? Was the last 4 years a lie? How can you tell me that you don't want a relationship with me because of what I can't give you and that you can't compromise, what were we doing the last 4 years? What were all the words you told me? Why would you ask me to see you if you didn't think there was some hope for us? I really want to believe that you aren't this monster that everyone says you are. That everytime you asked me to see you wasn't bc you felt something for me, wasn't bc we were finally getting close. It was bc you needed an ego stroke and you knew that I would do that for you bc you knew I loved you unconventionally. How could I not know you were this monster? I don't know how to feel bc I shared everything in my heart with u this time. I didn't keep anything back, It was like you were in me. I wanted you to feel everything I was feeling and yet you could so easily send me an email that you don't want me anymore. I only glanced at the email. I read it in less than 5 seconds and yet I memorized and have repeated the entire email to myself at least 50 times a day trying to understand how something so cold and heartless could come from someone....anyone. Trying to get in your mind to see why you would hit send on that. It was so cold that I don't have a comeback. For the first time in my years of knowing you, I don't have any words to tell you how I feel, or ask you to love me. That email was the first time you have actually told me that I have no chance at happiness with you. So I have nothing to say anymore. You have silenced my voice, my love for you and no doubt have completely broken my heart. I still stand by that I truely loved you and I know this bc I have no anger in my heart for you still. But I have pain, lots of pain and I think it is unfair and I am angry at the universe for making you incapable of loving me. 

Sent from my iPhone

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 9:55am

OK, now let's put things in "real" perspective. Your xap probably was tired of the lying, cheating and dishonesty that it takes to be involved in an A. Maybe he wanted to finally become an authentic person who doesn't deceive others. Does it make him a monster for not wanting to be a dishonest person who lives in a fantasy and doesn't deal with his or your real reality. We were monsters when we engaged in an A, lying a deceiving others. You now have the opportunity to be a woman with integrity who deals with her real life, a woman who isn't willing to hide and be kept a secret any longer. You are finally free to live and walk in self respect and integrity. Hold your head up high and realize that your A is an addiction. That is why you called and text xap like crazy. The only way to beat an addiction is to stop cold turkey, go through the withdrawals and never turn back to it again. Peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 10:01am
I wish that were the reason why. I'm too ashamed to write the reason on this board but it wasn't bc of his wife. I wouldn't have felt so bad about the ending bc I love him enough that I want him to be happy and if he chose his family I would be ok. But in not so nice words he said he wanted variety and I couldn't give that to him
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 10:08am

There is no judgement here Lap - we've all been where you are. First of all take a deep breath. The hardest hit to our ego is waking up from the beautiful dream and realizing that all that we've done in the past bit with our AP's was a lie. A"s are just that - they can feel like love, they are emotional in ways that we don't understand - usually because we aren't being fed that elsewhere and are incapable of feeding ourselves. But they are a lie. It doesn't even matter the length of time - some have been in their A's for 10+ years some for a few short weeks, but the connection and break are the same. You will learn you are not unique. Let's get to know you - are you M? Kids? Divorced? Single? Do you work with him? Know him socially? Is he M? How did you get into your A/ You were right to come here instead of mailing him. You can regain your dignity, and find strength in this board. It's a hard battle - for right now, be sad. grieve - it is like death. Just know that there will be a point to stop grieving and you will move forward. Until then many hugs

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 11:30am
I'm going through a divorce, met xap at work, he was a client. Since I met him I have been promoted a few times so I would never interact with him again. We both have kids. My divorce is not bc of him but my husband was abusive to us so I would have left eventually. Xap is married and seemed to be happily married, he has a great relationship with his kids.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 12:22pm

Hey Lapoflux...I remember that name...welcome back

I am glad you are through...and even more glad you emailed us with your feelings instead of your xaffair partner.  He probably already knows how you feel...it was probably just a matter of him being done sooner...and we don't want to slip into the bunny-boiler mode. Yes, every affair has an expiration date...some acknowledge and accept that a little easier...and others keep rearing their head back...further and further... every time they smell it...resisting the fact that it now stinks to high heaven...and no amount of begging someone to love them is going to make it fresh again.  It's over...its done...THE END.

Now, it's just a matter of grieving your loss so you can move on.  Hopefully, you can sit with a therapist who will guide and support you as well...and help you dig deep into the issues that bring you here today.

I hope you have now blocked all avenues of communication to protect yourself from yourself because as you detox from this toxic relationship, you are going to have weak moments when you might want to reach out...so blocking is vital for your own wellbeing and recovery.  

Please check out those two awesome threads in the Healing Library...Let It Go and The Awakening.  Really, read everything you can...especially from the baggage reclaim site. Hang out with us...read all posts...not just those directed at you because often times your questions are answered in a post to someone else...you might even get answers on questions you haven't even yet formulated yourself.  I guess I am saying read read read...and read some more :)

((hugs))

Clarity



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 5:06pm

  There is nothing to be ashamed about.  In this culture many people envision a romantic fantasy.  Part of the dynamic is that fantasy.  But when one wants some thing the other does not then it ends. It has ended.  That is all. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 5:37pm

Sorry you are hurting,but it sounds like this guy really showed you who he is. I guess you weren't enough "variety" for him outside of his marriage. Doesn't sound like he has any intention of being faithful to his wife in the future either. Really you have to look at this as a blessing in disguise because IF he left his wife for you and married you, he'd no doubt still be seeking  "variety" in your marriage too. I really think you dodged a bullet to you heart by not ending up with this guy. Good Luck in your healing.