Ashamed and hurt
Find a Conversation
|Fri, 01-18-2013 - 8:06am|
Please don't judge me. 2012 was a long year for me with my family and xap. I made it through the year but I am back. I had one final blow out with xap and within my final attempt to win him back I emailed him 10 times a day for a week and I lost my dignity and any respect he would have had for me. it sucks but I think that is what I needed to stop contacting himjust guess I just needed to hear him say " I don't want you" for me to stop the madness. I am so ashamed of my behavior these last few weeks that I don't know that I can ever look him in the eyes again or speak with him again. I just want to be erased from his universe. does that make sense to anyone? so instead of emailing him I am writing my email here:
How did we get here? How is it that you can send me such an email and not blink an eye, not look back? Not care how I feel? Was the last 4 years a lie? How can you tell me that you don't want a relationship with me because of what I can't give you and that you can't compromise, what were we doing the last 4 years? What were all the words you told me? Why would you ask me to see you if you didn't think there was some hope for us? I really want to believe that you aren't this monster that everyone says you are. That everytime you asked me to see you wasn't bc you felt something for me, wasn't bc we were finally getting close. It was bc you needed an ego stroke and you knew that I would do that for you bc you knew I loved you unconventionally. How could I not know you were this monster? I don't know how to feel bc I shared everything in my heart with u this time. I didn't keep anything back, It was like you were in me. I wanted you to feel everything I was feeling and yet you could so easily send me an email that you don't want me anymore. I only glanced at the email. I read it in less than 5 seconds and yet I memorized and have repeated the entire email to myself at least 50 times a day trying to understand how something so cold and heartless could come from someone....anyone. Trying to get in your mind to see why you would hit send on that. It was so cold that I don't have a comeback. For the first time in my years of knowing you, I don't have any words to tell you how I feel, or ask you to love me. That email was the first time you have actually told me that I have no chance at happiness with you. So I have nothing to say anymore. You have silenced my voice, my love for you and no doubt have completely broken my heart. I still stand by that I truely loved you and I know this bc I have no anger in my heart for you still. But I have pain, lots of pain and I think it is unfair and I am angry at the universe for making you incapable of loving me.
Sent from my iPhone