Attn: Needs Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Attn: Needs Grace
3
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:48am
Hi Grace

I was writing to you in response to my post yesterday. Sounds like we definitely did have a similar kind of A. xMM and I were intimate towards the end of the A and that was more of a slip of strength on my part because I was so desperate to keep him. In the beginning he was more into me and I was just in it because I liked the attention and I enjoyed our conversations. I figured I could stop it anytime I wanted because he needed me more than I needed him. (Got that one wrong!) A few times I tried to end it more because of the fear of being caught and I ultimately knew that xMM wasn’t what I really wanted in life. I was never able to stick to it though and we always ended back together.

He pressured me a lot throughout the A but ultimately said that it didn’t matter if we had sex - the “connection” we had mattered more than sex. We fantasized about our lives together and had a lot of “what if’s”, said we were soul mates. Now I look back on that and think what a load of horse sh%t. I am proud that I can say that now and I finally got my head out of the clouds. For the longest time I kept going over things in my head and just kept telling myself “he really didn’t mean what he said” and “he really cares about me” but his young kids need him more. Now when I think of everything it just makes me sick that I fell for all the crap. Overall, I am 90% better now than I was at the end of the A in January but it has taken A LONG time to get here.

The reason that I was writing to you is I just wanted to see if you feel the same about stuff with yourself. I feel that I am pretty much over the A and xMM but things with myself are a totally different story. I am 24 and single. Before xMM I could have cared less about having a relationship with a guy. Sure it is nice to have someone there for you but I didn’t want to be tied down. Fast forward to now – that is all I want. I feel like I am ready for a serious relationship and am TERRIFIED that I will never find someone (I feel like my biological clock is ticking!). If I used to meet a guy and gave him and my number and he never called I figured it was his loss. Now I take it personally and try to figure what is wrong with me. People tell me that I am attractive. I have my masters degree, have a good job, can laugh and joke about stuff. I just feel like no one is ever going to want me again or even care about me. I get extremely depressed about myself now. I never used to be like this. I never used to chase a guy - I figured if he wanted me bad enough let him do the chasing. I hate how unconfident I am now. I used to be the happiest person in the world and always tried to help people out but now I am miserable about myself. I am positive that once I meet someone else the scars from the A will still remain but I guarantee that I can probably forget all about xMM but until then that is what holds me back.

I give you so much credit for ending the A on your own. I was never strong enough. I didn’t realize it at the time but I wanted the attention. Even after xMM’s W found out about us and we were allowed to remain friends I wasn’t satisfied with just “being friends” and gave into the temptation. If it wasn��t for xMM telling me to stay away I would still be trying all those sneaky things to try to get in contact with him.

I just wanted to say thanks for responding and good luck with your NC. NC is so important. All it takes is that one little slip up and you will go plummeting back to the beginning again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:02pm
Hi Yella,

Thanks for contacting me again and I hope each day you start to feel better about yourself.

I don't have much time to respond right now, just wanted to let you know I read your post.

I have a feeling that an A can do much more damage than we first realize. I was a serial "poacher"; always getting involved with MM. Not always sexual, but it seemed like I was attracting them like flies to sh**! Eventually I started to wonder if perhaps I was being tested, like God himself were testing me to see how I'd do...and I kept failing.

Someone answered a post a put up a week or so ago, after I ran into the xMM; (I think it was mefreenow); I'd wondered why God wanted to test me again, by having the xMM show up at this training session. Free said, maybe God did that to show me how far I've come, for I did not encourage recontact, but told him flat out, no. Wow!

Anyway, perhaps your confidence has fallen b/c of some sort of guilt feelings you have, or b/c of the hurt you had in the A. I don't know. Just throwing some things out there for now.

As for not dating, or being worried about finding someone to settle down with; You're only 24. God, I wish I was 24 and knew what I know now!! hahaha! I'm over 40 years old, been married once, ages ago (so long ago, it's as if I were never married) In the last two years, I've been involved with four MM. Disgraceful!!!! The second one has been the hardest to get over (the "soul-mate" one, yeah, he felt we were soul mates, too!)

Somehow I found the strength to walk away from him that evening, about two weeks ago now.

And tonight, I'm actually going on a date with an AVAILABLE guy!

So, wish me luck, he should be here any minute...

Hoping the best for you, write back whenever...


grace

Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:35pm
Hiya!

How did the date with the “available” guy go? It is always exciting meeting new people. I recently met a guy who I had a great time with and seemed to be interested in me. He called me a few times and we talked about getting together but I haven’t heard from him in a few weeks. I am kind of bummed about the whole situation because he seemed to have a lot of potential in my eyes! I am trying not to let it bother me though…

You said something interesting - <<"I was a serial "poacher"; always getting involved with MM. Not always sexual, but it seemed like I was attracting them like flies to sh**!">>

I can relate to that like you would not believe and I think I am starting to realize more and more what it means for me. I can be shy around guys until I open up (this is something that I am working on though!) but I have never had a problem talking to or opening up to a guy who is married or who is dating someone. I have never been in a real “relationship” with a guy other than xMM but have dated here and there but nothing serious. At first I thought I had no problem opening up to these unavailable guys and even xMM because they couldn’t hurt me but the more I have sat and thought about it – no one before xMM really hurt me anyway so what am I really afraid of? Now I am starting to realize more and more this is stemming from something from my parents. That is another story though. But I think that this a reason why I can so easily get emotionally attached to someone who is taken or unavailable.

I give you a lot of credit for being able to react to xMM like you did when you ran into him. I doubt I would have had the strength to do that in the beginning and probably not up until at least 7 months of NC. There were lots of days that it was all I had not to call him and offer to be a F@(k buddy to him so that I felt needed again. I am past that point now and I am so happy for it too. The one unresolved issue I have about the A is I want for xMM to know how bad he hurt me and how I have suffered. I figure he is just going on with his life as if nothing ever happened and here I am suffering. It probably would do no good though.

I feel that God tested me with the A as well. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and the A caused me to rethink my life and how I had been living it. As a result I am trying to make changes for the better. I can not tell you how much the A taught me about a relationship and how important communication is to be in a successful relationship. If anything that was a big problem between xMM and his W and I think I learned a few lessons from him and the problems in his marriage. I feel that God was trying to show me that a relationship can be hard work and maybe at the time I wasn’t ready for it? I don’t know – he works in mysterious ways. But I do feel that I learned many valuable lessons as a result of the A though. The biggest is probably never to get involved with someone who is married! It is not worth the heart ache!

I have been thinking maybe I should go to counseling but I don’t know what good it would do. I am not really a depressed or emotional person that has a lot of issues with life, perhaps it is stuff I just need to figure out myself. I just kind of go day by day but since the ending of my A I have lost a lot of self-confidence. Of course some days are better than others and I am good at putting on that happy face but inside I am a mess.

Anyway, sorry about me rambling here. It helps me knowing that there are others who have gone though what I have and really have no one to talk about it with. My friends can sympathize but it is just not the same and I swear they are probably sick of hearing about it!

I am so thankful to everyone here for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 4:41pm
Hi Yella,

The date was fine, thank you. I am surprised that I have feelings for someone that's apparently available. I also am more inclined to take this relationship very slowly.

Comparisons are hard to avoid; I try to push the thoughts of the xMM out of my head, but there are huge differences in these two guys. I am more of an extrovert, so is xMM. New guy seems kind of shy and quiet, which in itself is a bit intriguing, but also has me wondering if perhaps he's emotionally unavailable?? Too early to tell just yet.

On the point of things happening for a reason...I honestly believe that somehow I was being tested; these MM of my past were poised in front of me to see if I'd take the bait. I would, and I'd fail. The failure seemed to be no big deal at the time; all it meant was that I couldn't back off some married guy whose marriage was most likely already in the tank. Three of the four had some serious issues going on at home. All three cited their kids as the main reason they stayed together. All I would be to them was their little diversion; something to have on the side to make their marriages just slightly more bearable. With me out of the picture, though, I wonder if they've moved on to other "diversions?" Probably. I guess there are plenty of women out there who don't seem to mind being the OW. It didn't used to bother ME so much before. I guess my conscience has matured some.

When I walked away from the xMM that evening a few weeks ago, I didn't go home and cry my eyes out like I'd done the last three or four times I'd tryed to end it with him. I just went on like it was no big deal. I felt I cleared some huge hurdle. And wouldn't you know it, with in the next few days, this new guy calls me up! It's almost as though he's my "reward" for finally saying NO, and meaning NO!

I still have obstacles to contend with, i.e., the comparisons. Also, when I spend too much time thinking about it, I find myself going back to the old convictions about the A I had earlier; that this MM and I were meant to be. WE were soul mates. He said so many wonderful things to me, and I believed him. I still DO believe him. Maybe if we'd kept up the relationship, things would've soured soon enough; I can be pretty demanding in some ways, and also a bit pouty if I am without IC when I want it. (distant memory, haha) I know in my heart that xMM still has feelings for me and probably always will. But that is something I need to stop focusing on. Sometime I re-read the letter I sent to him. (find; "My final letter to xMM, really" from 10/31/04...I don't know how to link to it. I'm really quite proud of that letter:)

Well, each day is a struggle, some times harder than others. I find I pray a lot more now than I used to. I think it's precisely that nagging little thought in the back of our minds that is not just our conscience poking at us, but God himself telling us to think about what it is we're doing in an honest light, and to talk to HIM about it.


AS for having relationship issues that are fueled by our parents; I totally agree with that. I believe I have some serious abandonment issues (my father left my mother when I was an infant) I always thought I grew up okay, but now I wonder. Having objective friends to bounce things off is great, if they're trustworthy. But I know what you mean about feeling like they don't want to hear it anymore. That's why boards like this are nice to come to; I have vented here now and then, and while I don't get too many responses, it helps to get things out in black and white.

Rambling on...

grace



Grace