On Autopilot numb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
On Autopilot numb
10
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:56am

Hey girls...


I thought I'd post, as I'm always encouraged to when I'm at a bad point and today is it.


As usual (since quitting my job over a month ago) I got up early to do my list of things to do and I'm just not all there... I got showered, dressed, applied for jobs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 1:00pm

I'm in the same place and I feel your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 1:16pm

Hi jwaduveev


Sleeping Beauty - what did she do to sleep for all those years? She pricked herself, I'll go find us a needle!


I've been my daily 40minute walk - in the forest, where everything is beautiful, but not at the minute because I don't appreciate anything, can't see past my selfish heartbreak :(.


I've talked the friends that do know out, and I don't want to torture them anymore. I have to say this is the darkest time I've ever experienced and I wish it away...


I do have a book, I started reading, and I will finish it, thank you for your advice.


How are you keeping?


PikuLou

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 1:48pm

Hello Pikulou,

I know what it feels like to be totally numb and just going through the motions: we all do. It is part of the healing process.

I wonder if you would like to take a look at this thread:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=29020.1&ctx=128

It is so important to remember all the things we have to be grateful for in order to fight off the poor me attitude.

What are you most thankful for?

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
In reply to: pikulou
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 2:26pm

Hey Piku,


I know exactly how you are feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 2:37pm

What would I do without all your support? Honestly?


I'm so glad I came across this message board, and even this website.


I've been trawling many of the boards today and what I found really helpful was 'After the Affair'

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 7:52pm

Hi Pikalou


I understand exactly what you mean about feeling numb, i cant get excited or 'care' about anything much at present. I used to have such passion for my job, for life, for

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 8:24pm

Oh autopilot. I remember it all too well. It's totally normal. Don't lose faith. Autopilot is ok. Right now you are just logging time. Putting some distance between yourself and the A. You will start to feel a little better each day and then you can start to focus on addressing the issues that led you to the A in the first place. I consider the early days of NC a sort of purgatory. We are so fresh, so raw, so hurt... all we can do is try to make it through the day. And you will- then all of the sudden, a couple weeks will have gone by and you will realize that you feel better. Then the really hard works comes... when you have to face down your demons and defeat them. And you will do that too. Much love to you. Keep moving forward.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 5:09am

Hello SLOJ,


When you say that after a few weeks I'll feel better but the hard part comes when I have to face my demons, what do you mean? Is that the guilt and shame and anger part?


Oh God I don't think I can do anymore of this rollercoaster... I sat up til 2am lastnight, reading betrayed spouses, and really it gives some clarity on the fog, and how fake an affair really is.


It's hurtful to read and painful.


Then I didn't sleep til half three, waking on the half hour and today feels like it's another autopilot one...


I've a Dr appt on Tuesday, that's when I'll ask for the therapy because I myself, don't know why I embarked on the affair when there were no problems at home, newlywed, and I thought I was happy.


I long for the days pre A when things like going for dinner with H was a treat and enjoyable, or going for drives, but now, all I can think is when will the feelings come back.


I want my confidence to come back, I want to feel good about the way I looklike I used to. My self-esteem has taken a battering.


It's pretty hard to take.


Thanks for your support, again :)


Love


PikuLou

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:55pm

Sorry I was not more clear about that. I meant that this healing process takes time and there are many phases. The first one, the raw pain, it very intense. You feel like you are going to die. You'd rather stay in bed all day and hide from the world. But, eventually you have to come out. You

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:48pm

Thank you SLOJ - that helps... and by the sounds of it I'm working out in my head why I did this... I don't know if I can answer that or if that's something a therapist can do...


I think it's an image thing, a self esteem problem so far. I've noticed that all my life I've been very strict about my diet, too strict sometimes I pushed my body to the limit... then I would look for a man who I perceived to be as self-conscious as me - a man who wouldn't be attractive but quiet and introvert - as a guarantee that I could get and keep them... well wasn't I wrong.


All my life I'd never go for a man who was attractive, I dunno. I need to work on me, I'm sure that's the outcome.


Today I'm back to NC one... I'm devastated and annoyed, I'm gonna do a new post, and take all the tough love I get. :(


PikuLou