Avoiding the Merry-go-Round Again (long)
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| Sat, 09-25-2010 - 5:24am |
So I can't believe its taken me this long to post on here. Several months ago I used to post on MAS, I read EAS everyday as well, but since everything came crashing down I haven't been on the boards at all. I think it was trying to break the patterns I had when I was in full-blown A.
I have been married 9 years. AP and I met while I was still a newlywed. We were in an emotional affair before truly realizing it. We were co-workers and when I left the job, he expressed his feelings for me. Foolishly I admitted they were mutual and although I left we continued a correspondence that was now charged with words of affection. A few months later I ended things. Didn't know NC was what it was called back then, but fully intended that was it. But I never fully grieved, healed and let him go. During the three years of NC my husband found out we had been more than friends. D-day was terrible, but we went to counseling healed a lot of the issues of our marriage at the time. But again AP never completely left my thoughts. Periodically we would pop up in each others lives- but never for long- no more than an e-mail or call maybe once a year.
Until two years ago. Employment meant my husband and I were living apart -not good!. In a moment of weakness in the middle of the night, I sent AP an e-mail. Which sparked regular conversation, which sparked sharing of feelings, which

WARNING!
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
No warning necessary. I have been around this board for over a year and know the tough love that is present here. That's why I posted a virtual slap to reality if you will.
Absolutely I would define myself as a cake eater. I thought I could juggle it both, so many times I bought that lie, but I'm not buying it now.
Interesting that you mention if I loved exAP I wouldn't keep contacting him. You are absolutely right. Part of what was starting to bother me before D-day 2 (among other things) was realizing love means wanting what is best for the people you care about. I wasn't showing that to either of the two men I claimed to love. Ickk.
It really does disgust me to think about and that is why I am posting here. To remind myself of that ickk. So I don't go down this path again. I was starting to climb out I am not falling back in again.
Welcome to endings, Katie, and remember....this board is about ending an A in every sense of the word. You obviously know the drill and what NC is all about. Just because you know his email addy and phone # by heart, does not give you permission to use them. I keep picturing you falling on the sword. This image should be enough to scare your straight.
We have another poster on here who had two D-days and was terrified of
~Iddy~
Cake eater-Love that name.
That is exactly what I was during A. I read here how xAPs are jerks that wanted to call all the shots. During A I was the jerk who wanted to call all the shots.
katie...I know it is hard, but I agree with rather. Think about how unfair you are being to xAP and husband. You fished an that is not fair to any of you.
Yes the Merry Go Round is pretty, but you have to remember the skinned knee and upset stomach you have after you fall off.
You can do this. Focus on the Great Adventure you are having with H in the here and now, not the hurtful Merry Go Round.
Sounds like you have a grasp on reality. Keep it up. We are all pulling for you to maintain real reason.
RBM
“Everything works out in the end.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Thank you all.
Iddy- Thanks for the reminder. I know there is no such thing as innocuous msgs to exAP. There is no being friends. Only meant that w/o these circumstances it would've been to anyone else. However I am a big enough girl to admit I knew exactly what I was doing when I commented on his page. I wanted him to see it, and
Katie,
<>
Then kudos to you and keep up the good work. Many have found that by "putting it all out there" somehow starts the accountability
~Iddy~