b true - question for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
b true - question for you
3
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 3:30pm

Until recently I posted more to the A board but in the last few months I find myself far more comfortable here. I find your posts to be very interesting because you ended your A the same way I've been working on ending mine. To give you some history - I met XMM online about a year and a half ago. Our A was long distance and not physical. We've had a couple periods of NC (usually caused by his W finding email) but we always ended up talking again. A few months ago, however, something clicked in me and I decided I don't want the A any more. I've cut way back on contact and forbidden any "fantasy" discussion by insisting that all conversations be firmly rooted in reality. I've told him I'm working on my M, that I no longer want the pain and drama associated with our A and that facing reality and living in it is the ONLY way for me to go on with life and be happy. XMM is really a good guy. He never played games with me or treated me poorly. In keeping with that he has been very understanding. He has given me space and has more or less kept all conversation on mundane topics.

So here's my question. How did you reach the point of ending things altogether? How did you know you were ready to say goodbye, and how did you go about saying it? You wrote that it took you 5 months to "get your ducks in a row." I'm about 3 months along. I feel myself getting closer to wanting to be "done with it" but something keeps holding me back. I can't exactly pinpoint what it is. I suppose part of it is fear of hurting XMM because I know he WILL be hurt. The coward in me wants to just become less and less available until finally I'm not available at all.

Anything you can tell me about your experience would be very helpful!!! Thanks!

GB2

PS: I don't know if you remember PhillyGirl (she used to post a lot but hasn't been around in awhile) but I think she ended her A in pretty much the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 4:31pm

GB,


<<>>>


Ok, I'm confused. If you told him the above, then what is still going on between you two? Is is just a friendship thing now? When's the last time you saw him, or were engaged in a sexual way, either in person, or online? If that stuff has been over for a while, then what is stopping you from blocking or deleting him from your computer and cell phone? And if it's just mundane "hello, whats new?" stuff, then why would that be difficult to let go of for good?


My take on this is if you have told him you want to work on your marriage and no longer want pain and drama, THEN he should respect that and let you go. Somebody still has selfish motives going on here. I told my XMM (after completely weening him emotionally and physically) that he would never lay a hand on me again as a married man. That's when he knew it was over because we both knew he would never divorce. He respected my decision

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 7:46pm

True,

I just wanted to pop in and say Hi. There are a lot of frightening but refreshing things going on in my little world.

I was thinking about you lately and wondering how you have been doing.

Happy New Year. H and I are going to make 2005 our best year ever.

I wish everyone here on the board the strength to get past the mess we created for ourselves. If I can do it, anyone can.

OK everyone remember, indifference and NC is the key to regaining "yourself" back.

Goingbonkers, sorry to hijack your thread, now back to the issue at hand.

ALC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 9:01pm

((((ALC))))


Appreciate the Happy New Year wishes and would like to extend the same to you and yours. I've been keeping up with your posts on AS and well, what can I say other than, "Wow!" Your courage and persistance shows that no matter how bad things may appear on the outside, what really counts is who we are