"The Bachelor" brought pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
"The Bachelor" brought pain
7
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 10:59am
I was doing so well...then I watched the Bachelor last night and now I'm a wreck. The scene with him and Vienna at the sulfur spring in the mud bath drinking wine was something I experienced with my xap. It was so beautiful and romantic. I tried so hard to picture the same scene with my husband and I wanted to puke. I feel like I will never experience that kind of passion again. I feel like that side of me has died and that I'll never have it again. It truly feels like I am mourning a death today. How can this happen after 2 whole months of no contact? Please tell me I will feel better because right now I can't stop crying. I'm so sorry to the newbies who need strength from these boards and not some sobbing, feeling sorry for myself idiot. I do so well and then something just triggers me like it's day #1 of nc. I was at the gym a few days ago and the guy working out next to was wearing the same after shave as xap and even that sent me into a tailspin. God, I just want to take a toothbrush to my brain so I can erase all memories and smells of him. Can someone please give me hope that will happen....SOON!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 11:16am

((AAI))


< >>


I'm sorry for your sadness, AAI, and I have to admit your post brought back some memories for me too, but you need to trust the ladies on this board when they say, those feelings and memories will fade; the only problem is, it's not going to happen soon. It could take months before these triggers stop hurting you so I am not going to pull your chain and say, "Oh yeah, they'll be gone by summer." It just doesn't work that way and everyone heals at a different pace. So much depends on how you see your life without him in it. If you are prone to feeling sorry for yourself, then it's going to take you even longer. If you are basically an optimistic person, seeing the cup 1/2 full, you are going to heal much quicker.


Try not to be so hard on yourself. The sadness accompanies the grief you are going through. Any loss comes with pain and all we can ask of ourselves is to get through one hour, one day at a time.


Hang in there, honey. Reach out to us as you are doing now, and never be afraid to post your feelings. Someone will have felt this way or are feeling this way right now. I saw the Bachelor too last night, and my heart went out to the gal who was rejected. You see, we all relate to things differently, as everyone perceives things differently. Just know that you are a good person who is suffering from a bad situation and that it won't always be like this. I promise.


(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 11:40am
I think it's important to remember that Affairs are what dreams are made of. I guarantee you that if you put the amount of effort into your DH as you did with your XAP your return on investment would be just as great with your DH. In a M it's easy to settle into the every day life of living and taking each other for granted. When you are in an A, you are lying cheating and purposely creating a fantasy for to keep the fires burning. Your XAP was your escape. He
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 11:51am

Acting -


It certainly isn't an easy road.

NC since October 2, 2009.

&nbsp
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 11:57am

I agree with Iddy that everyone heals at a different pace and a lot of the depends on what is going on inside of you as to how quickly you are going to get past this. Perhaps you can focus some of your time and thoughts into a new activity, such as volunteering for one of your local organizations. Even though it is often advised on these boards, it is hard for me to think of directing all that engergy I had with the A into making things better with DH, because there are times

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 4:49pm

Thank you so much ladies for helping me to come to my senses.

Iddy, I'm going to take you up on that "promise" and hold on to the idea that I need more time. I'm not normally the kind of person who feels sorry for myself. I'm actually a pretty optimistic person. Heartbreak is all new to me. I've been with my husband since I was 18 years old. Not enough life experience with these feelings I guess. But thank you for your kind words.

Why-ask-why, You're 100% right about the "fantasy", it just felt so real at the time. He was single and was willing to take a chance on someone 20 years older than him. His love felt very real.

Gal looking, Yes I was probably more sad during the A than I am now. I too always wondered if a younger girl was going to come along and I would be out. But he told me I was the only one for him. I know that real life with him would have been very tough with the age difference. So I guess it was probably a fantasy. I was temporarily ducking out of my real and very boring life. I guess I need to try harder there. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Alwayst, Volunteering is a very good idea. I am going to look into that. I also have 2 new grandbabies who also fill my time. Taking my mind off of xap in any way I can these days.

Again, thank you all so much. This board has saved me from myself!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 9:23am

Acting,
Yah, triggers are there and they suck big time. Just have faith that, over time, they will fade - become less and less frequent and less and less intense. It won't all ways be like this, I promise.

I was glad to read that you're working out!

My M is pretty dead right now and reading about how you wanted to puke when you inserted your H in the the mud made my heart hurt. I would feel the same way - it's so sad. I think at this stage of recovery, throwing yourself whole hog into the M will be difficult and frustrating (has been for me). I realized that focusing on ME and making myself someone I want to hang out with is a better alternative. The M will follow suit, I hope. May I suggest you learn to focus on yourself, learn to love yourself and heal before you try any romantic mud bath fantasies with H? ;) (btw, for you single ladies, this is the advice I'd give to you, as well. YOU must be healthy before starting any new relationships.)

Feeling for you today. I hope you feel better soon.
xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 9:50am

Hi Dee,