Back from across the pond :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Back from across the pond :)
3
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 9:12pm

Hello ladies and gents!

So, just over a week ago I mentioned that I would be gone for a week to present at a conference at Oxford (UK) as I'm a PhD student. I should have checked in as soon as I got back (Saturday night), but I'm pretty sure my brain was made of dryer lint from Sat night - this morning! It was my first trip overseas and coming back was worse than heading over, since it's later in the UK than where I am now - so it's taken me a bit to adjust, and I'm sure that any post I had would have come out mostly like 'alrkhghkadfff...sleeeeep!' or something to that effect ;)
Anyway! I did want to report that the conference went very well, lots of lovely people there and I don't think I could have had a better 'first solo conference' experience than that. A lot of the really large conferences aren't as friendly and you don't get to know people quite as well. While it was good, that doesn't mean that it wasn't challenging - I had to step out of my comfort zone and talk with folks about my work, or just make 'small talk', folks I didn't know. I had to speak/share my ideas and research in front of a room full of people, something I've never been very good at (though I'm getting better!). I also chaired a panel, something I'd never done before either. While most of my time was in Oxford, I did get to spend some time in London as well - I had to make my way around a city I don't know at all (and while I'm in a big-ish city at the moment for school, it's nothing compared to London. I'm also originally from a small town, so London was quite overwhelming!). But hey, I did it - I spoke with people and didn't make a fool of myself, my presentation had a few snags but I got through it and did the best I could (and got a lot of good feedback, so it wasn't nearly as bad as I perceived it to be), I got where I needed to go and didn't get lost or have any sort of freak-out. I also met a lot of really good researchers and quite a few of them were interested in my work and want to connect further, possibly write some articles together. Who'da thunk it? I can tell you, that I wouldn't have. At least, not before - I do now. A lot of our limits, unsurprisingly, are self imposed. There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to do all of these things, and yet there I was feeling like I couldn't. I have the choice and power to 'try anyway', and odds are I will do/be just fine. I (and everyone) can take this in terms of dealing with our post-A selves/work we need to do: there is no reason why we 'can't' end it and move on; and if there is, chances we've made it up ourselves. A social/personal construction, for you other academic types ;) I'm also very happy to say that my trip was not ruined by thoughts of xAP - he crossed my mind once or twice, but I banished the thought. It didn't take much effort though, since I was so busy with 'life' that there was just no head space for him. That is/was a good feeling! I didn't have to consciously (re)direct my thoughts, it just happened...it was nice to be present in myself/my life again.
Now that I'm back home there is a ton of stuff to do and I am a bit overwhelmed with it all, but I've learned that I can get through things even if I'm nervous, or scared or having doubts. I am starting to learn how to direct myself back towards productive things rather than trying to escape. Each move forward and through something I'm unsure about helps me reduce doubt down the road (does that make sense?). In short - I had quite a bit of fun, even though there were moments where my heart was in my throat, and sadly there were no cute British boys! Well, I'm sure there was - but I just didn't have time for them :p

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 10:37pm

Hey girl! Welcome back! I was wondering just yesterday about how your trip went. I am writing from my phone in the boonies (oh technology) so I have to keep it brief for my thumbs sake.
But at least wanted to say...

Great job! It sound like you did great and I am happy to hear that you got some good feedback, it does help with the confidence in your own work huh? I hope you do get some good distance from those chats with potential colborators. What is your research on? I am interested to know. I am happy to her you peformed well outside your comfort zone, I know at the 2 conferences I've tended since the A, my confidence was way low and I was afraid to talk to folks about my work...so I am glad you did not have the same problem. :)

How cool is London?!?! Love that city and I'm so happy you got to see some of it. And nice work on getting yourself around, I namith this a 'trip of confidence' :)

I know what you mean about not having to actively push XAP out of your brain while so engaged in that type of environment. I was at a 4 day golf outing a week back and was so busy having fun with dad, brothers, uncles and cousins that my xap was tossed out of the brain (sadly temporary but at least a step inthe right direction). So huray for XAP not ruining the trip, in fact I say it was impossible, but think how bad it would have been if not ended (shudder at the notion). Then no doubt the trip would not have been ruined with you always worrying about if he was trying to contact you, and I know you would not have fully engaged in the talks of the meeting and would have missed out on making really good conections for your future! So for that I am both extremely happy and PROUD!! I hope that this is a catalyst for permanent eviction!

And yes coming back this way is always harder, but I am glad you are back to the land of the living :)
I wish apon you calmness as you get caught up on things back stateside...we all know stress can be a major trigger, so when it comes....breath...and remember howmuch YOU just accomished

Ok so that was longer than I expected and my thumbs are tired.
Sending you peace&light and a good ol American High Five
Foggy


I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 9:40am

Way to go, Grrrl! How wonderful for you! Really proud of you for doing so well and reclaiming your confidence. xAP can't compete with that sort of healthy achievement.

Thank you for the uplifting update!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 5:37pm

Thanks to you both :)

Spot on Dee, xAP sure can't compare to that! It felt good to have an uplifting update :) In fact, everyone here was a big inspiration for me - I kept thinking 'I want to have a good experience 'for me' (and for my future), but also so I could have something good to report back with (and it could also serve as an example for newer-newbies that yes, there is life after the A - you can and will go onto do bigger/better things).

Foggy - Heh, we'll have to say 'North American high-five', for I am just a bit north of the ol' US of A ;) You're right, even if xAP did cross my mind a time or two, it was nothing close to what it would have been if things were still on. Yes, shudder at the thought! I wouldn't have been fully engaged in things, meeting others and presenting as best I could - I would have been focused on what I would tell xAP, I would be 'doing it for him' (so he could give me feedback/reassurance, rather than me looking for it in appropriate places - re: the other conference folks and within myself!) rather than doing it for me. By no means was it 'perfect' and I didn't think of him at all, but relative to how it had been in the past and what it could have been had I not been 'out', it was a huge improvement!
And since you asked, my PhD will be in Political Science (International Relations), and as I see it at the moment the focus of my dissertation is on 'risk' vs. 'security' in the IR literature/theory, how risk is a potentially better way of explaining the rise, regulation and use of private security companies (both military and otherwise) as well as the 'private citizen' sector as they are involved in issues of security (think vigilante groups). From that, it also complicates what constitutes the 'private sector' in IR theory/practice. The paper I gave was a critical take on the use of private prison companies in the detention of migrants and how their use (re)entrenches detention and deportation as a political and social policy. Ahem. Yes, since you asked :p What about you? Heck, what about all the other PhD folks on here, since I think there's a few of us?

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry