Back again....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Back again....
3
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:15pm
Hello All,

I have been back and forth here since April. I would post alot more before then all of a sudden I felt I could do this on my own and ventured on my own for awhile, then I came back here, just lurking but looking for comfort in my quest to move on. Wow! This has been harder than I ever imagined!!!

For those of you have not heard my story. Sadly enough it is not much different than most of yours. I am M with a wondeful H and a beautiful 2 year old boy. Most looking into my life, would envy it and think it was near perfect. I have a gorgeous, succesful husband and a beautiful healthy bright young boy. We live in a nice neighbourhood, have a great job...etc, etc...

and then it happened.....I became friends with one of my clients, and the next thing I knew we both found ourselves in this A and thinking that we had found "real love". Well to fast forward to 2 years later. We had tried to end things numerous times. Sometimes it was me and then sometimes it was him. It was hard. We said we could remain friends. Then we realized that we couldnt do that. Well I would say the past 6 months he is sticking to his comittment to end it. I on the other hand have been struggling with that. His wife has been sick and he told me he is seeing things clearly and that he has re-committed himself to his family and that he didnt love me anymore.

Ok, so here is my deal. I dont know what I really want from him. I know that I dont want to leave my marriage and destroy that but at the same point I find it so hard to move on. It is I that still conctacts him. Not he. He always responds. I always end up getting mad at him. I always end up looking to him for answers as to why he could say one day that he loved me and felt I was his soul mate to not loving me. He cant understand why I cant move on. I tell myself everyday that I am going to do this and then find an excuse as to why I need to contact him. The worst part is I no longer feel good when we talk. I get mad at myself for being so vulnerable and weak. I get angry at him for telling me he no linger feels the same way or no longer loves me anymore. I have read alot about people who think their XMM were narcisstic...then I think God am I??? Maybe thats why I am struggling with this so much.

A part of me wants him miserable without me. I cant bare the thought that he is moving on with his life and not missing me at all. Messed up, huh??

I dont know what I want from him. I dont know why I just cant be happy with a normal, complacent life. Nothing is really bad in my life. So why cant I just enjoy it???

Ok, here is my next confession...i cant believe i am writing this one...sometimes i think if i were to meet someone else to get that adreneline going then i can forget him. I cant feel the "klunk" on the head from some of you now. Now I think that thought is even more messed up then the previous one.

Mo and Katie...big hugs and kisses to you...i have missed you guys! Glad to see that for the most part you are doing well. Anyone hear from Clarice?

So I back for again for a bit for a little support. Fantasy and Reality...

Fantasy: That MM and I were soul mates and what we found was "real love"

Reality: MY H is the one who really loves me and if I could just figure out why I cant be happy with that then maybe I could enjoy some of it a little more. Reality is I do have a good life. Reality is I have turned into an obsessed lunatic with this guy and I have no idea why. He doesnt even make me feel good anymore.

XO!!

Dipss



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
In reply to: dipss
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:34pm
Hello. I am new here & trying to end my A. of 12 yrs. Just like you, I too have a great H., a beautiful family and everything I need to be happy, but I'm not. I can't understand why I can't be happy with what I have when I have so much more than other people and I'm so lucky and why I had to get involved with someone who has caused me so much heartache and for so long. I see most of you wised up long before I did and I wonder about that too. I used to wonder if I felt I didn't deserve happiness somehow and so I went into this A. with a man who would never meet my emotional needs and risked my marriage? I still don't have any answers and it did cross my mind this weekend that maybe I would meet someone else and it would be different this time. Here I am not even over this one (not even close) and I'm thinking about ANOTHER A.?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: dipss
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:27pm
Dipss! I always enjoy hearing from you. Although I'm sorry to hear you feeling this way again! I am trying to come up with something to tell you that you haven't already heard, but I think by now you've heard it all.

As far as this: <> That should be your first clue that it was the RUSH from the affair that you loved, not the OM. It sounds to me like you are clinging on because you're still looking for that rush, even though it isn't coming from OM anymore. And you are probably just really stinging from feeling rejected. I think it's normal to wish the OM would be miserable without us, to a point. It's an ego thing. And it's another HUGE clue that it was the way he made you feel -- and boosted your ego -- and not the OM that you loved.

There are others here who can give you more insight into the "Whys" than I can, but have you read any books about EMAs and why they happen? I think that could help you to understand yourself and your situation a lot better. Knowledge is power.

Clarice signed off a while back, I hope she has finally started to move on. I think she felt that posting here and rehashing things was holding her back. I can understand that; I am coming here these days mostly out of habit, but also I think deep down that this board is my last little piece of the A, and I am reluctant to let go completely because then I will have no reminders of it left. See, I'm messed up too! ;-)



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: dipss
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:25pm
Hey,

Good to hear from you. I wish I was as messed up as you...cuz' you sound great to me! You seem to be holding strong and doing well. Lurking here is not so bad. One day I am sure you will be done with that too.

I have not read any EMA books. I dont even know of any and come to think of it how the hek do you do that? Where do you read them? I think I would even feel embarassed to buy a book like that without people looking at me funny. Oh I can say..."this book? oh yes that is for my poor friend, nice girl but so messed up the poor dear, just trying to help the less fortunate". LOL!

Wish there was an easy solution. I agree knowledge is power. I have been trying to keep busy but it seems M-F work hours are the toughest since that is when we always spoke. How do you change up your work routine so you dont think of him. Short of just quitting, which I am not about to do. I get so weak when I am here.

Just read your last post..."You NEVER KNOW"...You are so right!!!! I think half of us wrack our brains trying to figure out what they are thinking. Do they miss us? Do they love us? Did they love us? Does it really matter in the end? Probably not.

So now to figure out how to get some reading material to help me. HMMMM????