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| Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:13pm |
I'm sure everyone reading this is going to think I'm the most stupid naive person alive. Because I'm one of those people who thought "I know, 100% that he's leaving his wife for me" and I was just proven wrong this morning. I posted last week that "I made the decision for him to go home and work on his marriage" so I began NC, and of course, it didn't last even one day. He wrote me a long letter telling me that he didn't feel like this was over between us. Things started up between us like back to normal, until all hell broke loose at home for him again. Yesterday, all day long, I talked to him and he was dreading going home. He was going to end it with her. He even called his best friend to let him know and said he might need somewhere to stay for a while. He kept telling me, " I hope you're ready for a future with me, cuz I don't want to go through all this just to have you decide you don't want me." I thought I reassured him. He kept telling me to tell him we are going to be fine. So I did, and I meant it. I thought he was gonna do it this time. I let him know that if he couldn't do it, that I wasn't waiting for him and that all contact has to stop. Again he said he was doing it. I know he wanted to. Well this morning, I knew something was wrong because he usually calls me when his W brings the kids to school, then again on his way to work (with MY 2nd cell) and then about 5 more times until he gets to my house every morning. This morning I heard nothing, until he showed up at my house in tears and hugging me. Then he said "I have to give you back your phone. I couldn't do it." He said he has agreed to give his M an honest try this time, even though he doesnt love her and doesnt want to be married to her. Regardless, I said ok then, this is it. I'll let you go. He told me that he knows I have to have NC for me to heal (he just doesn't get that concept)so he promises he won't call or show up anymore unless he can't make it work with his W but said he can't promise that he won't love me forever! So once again I'm devastated!!! I thought it was really gonna happen. And I think he thought so too. It's such a huge let down! So now I know I have to find a way to let this go. I have to quit looking at my phone to check for his call, Have to quit looking at my e-mail, and worst of all, quit looking under my pillow every day for surprise " I love you" notes, cuz they won't be there anymore. I know I can do this, as long as he doesn't try to contact me. I won't call him, I know that. But it would be impossible not to answer his call. So tell me guys, what am I up against? Should I prepare myself for his call? Do they usually try to break NC even after they say they won't? I told him that I hope it all works out for him. That he deserves to be happy. Is it so bad that I secretly hope it DOESN'T work out? I'm a mess. I'll be posting here often. Thanks for listening to me ramble and I'm sorry I was so stupid to believe that we had what it takes to beat the odds. Live and learn!!

This same thing happened to me about one yr ago. I also ended my A when he decided not to follow through with moving out after I moved out and filed for D. I never would have the A again. Congratulations on telling him that you want all or nothing. Thats what I did. It is the right thing to do because having only a liitle part of his life and having an A is wrong for everyone involved especially you.
I spent the whole yr trying to figure out how he could live without me when he loved me so much. But he does live without me everyday. I have just figured out that we are just different people. He is not like me. He couldn't picture us together really he didn't want to do the hard task of hurting everyone, moving out and starting ove with me.
Yes I did have contact over the yr when he chose to initiate it and it always ended up the same--I got nothing from him and I got hurt everytime he came and left again. And his W always found out about the contact and he ran home. It was contact not IC, but still it didn't work and we fought and I was so hurt and all he could talk about was his pain when I was the one who really jumped off a cliff endind my 22 yr marriage.
Anyway, now only 21 days NC again but it is easier. I see that I have to move on for me. It would be such a waste of my life if I keep waiting for him to change his mind. Believe me his love never changed, but his decision to stay in his M never changed either. It is a lost cause. Futile. Banging my head against a brick wall. My heart didn't want to believe it for so long--but finally I am accepting it.
He taught me that I can live without him. He taught me by leaving me that my REAL life is the one during all the hours without him, not the few hours I have been with him this yr. No, I didn't want to live without him. But I have to. I am not going to die. I am going to survive. And I will be happy again.
HUGs and prayers to you. You are doing the right thing. It will be very hard. But there is no happiness there for you or in holding on. Holding on only keeps the pain going forever. I know.
Survive
Thank you for your reply. Because I keep thinking that I know he's gonna come back. That things aren't going to work out for them . He told me last week, when we "broke up" for those 3 days that he thought he was trying with all his might to make his M work, but his heart just wasn't into it. I can't imagine that it will be this week either. But I do know that even if he comes back, this could all happen over again and again and I don't want to feel this pain again. His W is/was my friend. She came in to see me at work today and was starting to tell me all about the "problems " they were having. She told me that they "had a really good talk last night" That, "Not everything is great, but at least everything is on the table now." I felt like saying NOT EVERYTHING HONEY, cuz she doesn't know about me. I wish she did so she wouldn't call me or tell me things about him anymore. And I had to pretend I was happy they were working things out. THIS SUCKS!!! But I am on this board to stay so I really need the support here. I'm not turning back, and I told him I wouldn't, unless I see divorce papers. (So sad that I'm actually holding on to that little bit of hope.) I 'm ready for this pain to disappear NOW!!!
"I'm not turning back, and I told him I wouldn't, unless I see divorce papers"
Thats the ticket right there don't call me tell you can put the signed divorce DECREE NOT JUST PAPERS in my hand.( you want them signed by his wife him and the judge)
He will break NOT CONTACT and everytime he does he needs to here the same words and nothing else, put up or shut up buddy.
JMHO
Free
Mine was a little different because xMM told his wife about me and asked for a divorce. But once she found out boy did his attitude change. She went ballistic and pulled out all the stops to save their M mostly religion, the kids, Marriage counselinhg, priests, deacons, changing all her habits that he ever complained about, sex and guilt guilt guilt and ultimately it worked.
So--if you think he is shaky now--wait til she finds out and then see how scared he becomes.
It takes alot of courage to leave and start over in a relationship that was based on adultery and tearing apart families. I don't know that even if xMM had done it that we would have lived happily ever after. My kids, his kids, the xspouses all would be upset at us and no one would ever forget how it all started.
I guess we know when we get into the A that it is wrong but we are in love and rationalize it because of the strong feelings. In my case it was so strong I felt like I was powerless to resist it. But I knew it was wrong. Sometimes I say I tried to beat God, but God won in the end. God always wins. And so I submit to the will of God. I have no choice.
Do the right thing now. If you go on you just waste your life and prolong the suffering.
Survive
We meet these guys, fall head of heels in love/lust and dive into this exciting secretive romance becoming totally oblivious to the facts that:
1) He belongs to someone else
2) He is lying and cheating to that someone else/and you
3) He will say and do anything to keep you hanging on
4) He will eventually realize where his #1 priorities are: his family
5) He cares, but not enough
6) He will eventually break your heart, BUT you allowed it.
All we can do, once realizing just how futile these relationships are, is to hold your head up high, try to regain your pride and integrity, and walk away. Letting go is painful, but acknowledging that he was NEVER to be yours in the first place, is something YOU need to accept.
Forgive yourself, and move on....
Sunny
Just a question, you say it's been 21 days again with NC. Has he tried to contact you in those 21 days and you just ignore it? Or did he get the point and respecting your decision now? I'm at the point this morning that I wish he would at least "try" to call me just to prove to myself that this is at least hard for him. But he promised he wouldn't and I know it wouldn't help anything anyways. it was always tough for us to talk on weekends anyway so I think I'm safe, at least until Monday and hopefully by then I'll be feeling stronger and a little better about things. I'm so depressed right now. I'm apologize for feeling sorry for myself!
Last year during the holidays he made it 56 days. I did send him a two sentence email on Christmas. He didn't respond. The day I found out he bought a new house with his W (unfortunately I still had his email password at that time) I took everything he gave me out of my office and house and was determined to try harder to move on. The next day he called.
This last Spring he made it 3 months and then sent one letter saying I still love you but I can't hurt my kids. I didn't respond. My divorce became final a month later and I started feeling a little better for the first time in 9 months then he started an onslaught of contact phone, fax, email, IM and I finally broke down when he said he would divorce his W and marry me.
I could tell after just a few hours of seeing him that he had already lost his courage if he ever really had it. This last time though I was stronger. I didn't believe what he said. And for the first time I really took proactive efforts to stop the contact when I saw it was going nowhere. Every time before I was a mess after just a few days of contact and lost all control. This time I kept repeating the NC over and over and finally when he started doing it I got the strength and have been pretty good since. He broke it at 29 days and I finally responded because he seemed so desperate but I just told him again that we both needed to heal and we both needed NC. He PROMISED to honor it. But like all his other promises he didnt and he contacted me at 19 days. I blocked my IM and email. I have 22 days. I missed him terribly yesterday. Just that little Im xoxoxo was enought to f%$# me up. But, with the help of this board, the time that has gone by, I really want to move on now.
I figured out that by holding on to "our love" all year, I didn't get him, I got Pain and sadness and staying stuck while my xH is dating and our kids are better, I am still so sad. NO MORE!!! Don't let this man destroy your life on top of everything else.
Survive
Sorry to hear that you're going through so much turmoil. Ugh..what a mess. If you're on this board, though, I assume you want all of this to be over. It sounds to me that your MM has a huge case of the guilts every time he tries to end his M. He doesn't want to lose you, but he cannot leave. It's a hopeless, no-win situation. Even if he does leave, chances are whatever relationship you would have with him would be ultimately destroyed in the process anyway by his guilt issues. He'd probably end up blaming you. I say the best thing you can do is to just get on with your life and find someone who is actually available. This one's taken. Hard as that may be.
I think that you are right. I know he loves me, and doesn't want to lose me. But he has children that he worries about and I know that guilt ultimately did him in. I also know that he isn't a very strong person when it comes to speaking up for himself. He puts up with a lot to avoid confrontation and make everyone else but himself happy. I guess that's something he will have to deal with. He really is a good person, always treated me wonderfully and made me feel like I was his "one and only". I know he felt that way, but he had a choice, and he didn't choose me. Thanks for your input!!