back in the game & I just feel empty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
back in the game & I just feel empty
4
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:57pm
Well, it started with an e-mail from him, progressed to a phone call and then to seeing each other and all I feel now is completely empty. I was right back in it as soon as I answered his e-mail. Then we made an appt. to chat online at night and guess who never came on? He did say don't wait up, but of course I didn't listen and was right back there, waiting and hoping and going to bed feeling so let down. Then, we spoke on the phone and it was great, I can't tell you how good it felt. I was on top of the world and excited and happy and full of energy. We saw each other and he's missed me and wants to keep seeing me, but all of a sudden, I feel nothing but empty and like I'm dead inside. I feel like I don't care if I ever see or talk to him again. I've never felt this way before when it wasn't out of anger. I'm wondering if now I'm finally ready to walk. Did I feel like there was some unfinished business I had to take care of first? If so, I don't know what it might have been because while we talked alot, I don't feel like we resolved anything. Oh well, I'm not going to contact him because I have no desire to, but I wish I felt something other than numb right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 5:18pm
(((((TooSmart))))))

"Then, we spoke on the phone and it was great, I can't tell you how good it felt. I was on top of the world and excited and happy and full of energy."

Oh, TooSmart. I did the SAME thing last weekend, Huge hugs, because it is not a fun place to be. He emailed me, and then when we eventually saw each other it felt SO good! Because it was a fix! We are addicted and they are the drug. All reason went out the window and I would have done anything for that high. I had energy after the email and before the encounter (and still didnt plan on doing anything, but I felt so ALIVE and more like myself, oddly) and I felt great. The next day, I felt kinda sick and empty. I still wanted him to want me, though, but I knew I had to stop. I felt guilt about my H for the first real time.

I just wanted to offer you my support. I've been there. This week has not been great, so be warned. You may still get withdrawals and cravings. I've been on all sides of the spectrum the last few days. I'll miss him, then I will be angry as hell. Free told me that this is a critical time and another encounter could be big trouble. (Sorry, Free, if I'm butchering your words here. Maybe you could shed some light?) Be very prepared to deal with all kinds of feelings in the next few days. DON'T CAVE! Stay strong.

We are here for you! :)

So sorry you had to got through this.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 8:17pm
Hey, Lily. Like you , I do feel sick and empty, but unlike you, I haven't sworn him off again. I just don't know what I want and where I want this to go. I did notice that this time, I'm feeling the low immediately after seeing him-usually it's him avoiding me after that brings on the low. It's like I got my fix but it didn't last as long as it usually does. Maybe it's just that I already know I can't stand the "how long is it going to take for him to contact me now" game and my heart has already thrown in the towel. Sorry if I'm not making much sense, I'm all over the place. I did want to say one thing about the NC. It wasn't a mutual decision for us. I got mad, said I don't think I can do this anymore and I don't see how I can stay friends and that was it. I didn't say-please don't contact me, I left the door open. I feel strange doing a NC thing if we havne't both agreed to it. Someone posted about women being brought up to be polite and maybe that's part of it. Since we were friends, it feels funny to just stop like that without both of us making the decision. BUT, I know it's not something he wants, (and maybe I don't either yet) so I'm kind of stuck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 8:43pm
Toosmart4this

When something your doing with someone is harming or hurting you , you do not need someone elses agreement to stop doing it.

Requiring it to be a mutual decision gives him control over you future, or is it that it gives you control over his in your mind???

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:13pm
you are too smart for this. you know exactly what's going on here & exactly where you're headed for this. I was you 3 years ago. The best thing that ever happened to me was when I finally decided enough. I'm done. After "trying" to end the A for 3 years, I did it.

Sweetie you know the only thing that will work now is NC. And it does work. It's not easy to start & it's hard to maintain at first. But give it time. I thank God every day that I did it.

It's starting to fade away now. Why I did it. How strong I felt about him. how much I loved him and waited for the calls. the emails. the occasional night & weekend. How I risked so much to spend time with him. It was so much like a drug addiction. Cold turkey baby, it works.

I decided. I told him. I stopped. He kept after me for a while. I was determined that there was something better out there for me. I decided I will not let this man ruin my life. I saw him as the enemy for my own safety. When he stalked me at home, I said, leave or I call the police. That did it. It was still months before I stopped thinking about him or missing him.

but I knew if I opened the door to him in any way. any calls. any emails. any drive-bys that I'd go right back into it. I'm safe now but it took about a year.

good luck! do it. turn away. stay away. your life is out there waiting for you.