Back for good, I hope
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Back for good, I hope
| Wed, 02-23-2011 - 8:41am |
Hey. I've been on the board many times over the years since my A. has been going on for 18 years. I was never able to maintain NC and would usually lurk. He is single with LT gf. Over the past few years they have basically lived apart. After all this time, I started to talk about a future together and whether this will ever go anywhere. At first, he would explode every time I brought it up and I'd back off. The past few months,he agreed that we could move it along from a to b. I am M. but the a. has always been very cold and unemotional (not by my choice) and that's what I was going for, something more intimate. So v-day came and he did nothing, not even a nice email and when I said something he went nuts and ended it. We've had many fights but I can tell that this time is different. I think he was realizing that I'm not going to settle for so little anymore plus, he is due to move back in with his gf who he claims not to love or want to be with at all. I'm sure he figured I would start giving him a hard time about why he's moving back with someone he doesn't love and isn't even married to.
I know I had no future with him. He's an alcoholic and a narcissist but somehow I had romanticized everything and had a fantasy that we could make each other happy. I am very dissatisfied with my M. but unable to end that either. I'm pretty shook up that AP ended it. He did not treat me well and I'm offended that he's the one who walked. I should have been the one. I know this is stupid and I should be thanking him but I feel awful. I want him to realize what a great person I was and feel bad about how he treated me and beg me to take him back, so I can say no. I know that's juvenile but it's how I feel. I finally have a good T. Who will help me if I let her. I'm ok when I'm here or there or when I journal but I lapse so easily into affair land and I can't be here or with her all the time.

Too Smart,
Welcome - I am glad that you have come back - sometimes ending takes a few tries.
I like very much that you have total accountability -
"I'm not going to settle for so little anymore"
Let it be.
now THAT makes good sense!
P.S.
Hi Too Smart,
Im glad your A has ended and that you are not lurking anymore.