Back for good, I hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Back for good, I hope
8
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 8:41am
Hey. I've been on the board many times over the years since my A. has been going on for 18 years. I was never able to maintain NC and would usually lurk. He is single with LT gf. Over the past few years they have basically lived apart. After all this time, I started to talk about a future together and whether this will ever go anywhere. At first, he would explode every time I brought it up and I'd back off. The past few months,he agreed that we could move it along from a to b. I am M. but the a. has always been very cold and unemotional (not by my choice) and that's what I was going for, something more intimate. So v-day came and he did nothing, not even a nice email and when I said something he went nuts and ended it. We've had many fights but I can tell that this time is different. I think he was realizing that I'm not going to settle for so little anymore plus, he is due to move back in with his gf who he claims not to love or want to be with at all. I'm sure he figured I would start giving him a hard time about why he's moving back with someone he doesn't love and isn't even married to. I know I had no future with him. He's an alcoholic and a narcissist but somehow I had romanticized everything and had a fantasy that we could make each other happy. I am very dissatisfied with my M. but unable to end that either. I'm pretty shook up that AP ended it. He did not treat me well and I'm offended that he's the one who walked. I should have been the one. I know this is stupid and I should be thanking him but I feel awful. I want him to realize what a great person I was and feel bad about how he treated me and beg me to take him back, so I can say no. I know that's juvenile but it's how I feel. I finally have a good T. Who will help me if I let her. I'm ok when I'm here or there or when I journal but I lapse so easily into affair land and I can't be here or with her all the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 9:09am

Too Smart,

Welcome - I am glad that you have come back - sometimes ending takes a few tries.

I like very much that you have total accountability -

"I'm not going to settle for so little anymore"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 10:37am
Welcome ((hug)) hang on to these ladies and believe what they say it's so hard but there are good moments and bad... I'm hanging on to dear life for every good second right now (im 9 days nc from a 20+ yr on off affair) right now just read and listen to them dont try to figure everything out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 11:37am
Thanks for the responses and the welcome. I went to T this morning who suggested i not be as hung up on worrying about whether I will get back in touch with him or not and keep doing the work of why I got into it in the first place and take baby steps. What I've been struggling with is he dumped me in an email, after 18 years, did not even have the decency to have a conversation about it or do it in person. I flipped out, texting and emailing and calling and he mostly didn't respond. I feel like he should not get off so easy, like if I just quietly go away like he wants, he's getting more than he deserves. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm the one who. has everything to gain by not contacting him, that sending him 'you suck' emails wont give me closure and probably not any satisfaction either since he thinks he's great. I keep telling myself that he'll have to live with who he is and what he did and even if he never owns up to it, my telling him wont make a difference. At least I'm seeking help and actively trying to improve myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 1:28pm

Let it be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 4:16pm
If silence = fu, then let me not speak, type or text another word to him ever.Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 4:27pm

now THAT makes good sense!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 4:29pm

P.S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 6:29pm

Hi Too Smart,

Im glad your A has ended and that you are not lurking anymore.