back in the land of confusion...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
back in the land of confusion...
18
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 7:43am
Hello again. I dissappeared because I got sucked back in. Had a meeting with MM. Sat right across a conference table from him for 2 hours. I was FINE. I checked him out and decided that I don't want this man to leave his W and have a relationship with me. I think I now have that in my head.

After the meeting we went to lunch and right before we went back we went to a deserted parking lot and he gave me a kiss. Then he dropped me back to the office and he went back home (to refresh anyones memory he lives 3 hours away). We started emailing back and forth, first about work and then about us and we, of course, ended up having steamy sexual conversations on the IM going down memory lane reminiscing about our past IC sessions. Now all I do at work and home is check for his emails and if he doesn't email right away I get upset and if he doesn't email me at home I get upset or if he says something I can read anything into I get upset.

During lunch we talked about he and W going to counseling (which previously he said he was going to do to save his marriage) and guess what? He hasn't even made an appointment or started counseling! We don't talk about his relationship with W but doesn't sound like to me he is working on anything. He is content with the way things are.

To be honest, I don't know how real this thinking is, but I have dropped the whole runaway with me I love you more then the moon and stars attitude and have just been VERY interested in having IC with him...or thinking about it, since it is very hard for us to get together. I have my life here with my kids and I try and keep busy, but he is in my thoughts daily. I want so badly to be with him again. We are, once again, in the plotting stage. It starts out as joking and then ends up reality. Then we have IC and then he leaves to go home, all guilty.

I keep telling myself I am not the one cheating, he is. I don't have a spouse to answer to. I have never met nor talked to his W. I didn't make a commitment to her..he did. If he wants to break that commitment to be with me that is his problem.

I know it is wrong. I am confused. I have moments where I feel all tough and am like "bring it on, Baby! I can handle FWB," but on the other hand I sometimes feel messed up about the whole thing. The distance helps a lot. Us having access to each other at work does not. We chat innocently back and forth all day about work and throw in a few things only he and I would understand (just like little names we call each other). So anyway I go from elated to sassy to sad.

I want to stop

I don't want to stop

...why stop?: I hardly ever see him and he is fun to talk to...

I want to stop:...he is cheating, emotionally and physically...but isn't that HIS problem?

Has anyone ever been through this talking yourself into continuing because you aren't the cheater he is? I know some will say "but it is wrong regardless" and "why would I want to be with someone who could cheat on his W", but there are people on this board who are or have cheated on their spouses and they seem like good people, just confused. Is it okay as long as I no longer have fantasies of him leaving W for me? I am still keeping my eye out for men to date here and I am talking to someone right now, even, that seems interested.

This is all quite maddening. Anyone have any insight? Shake me? Please?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 7:06am
Thank you for your understanding, cl. I am glad my intentions are clearer to you.

Thanks to Golda K for HER understanding too, I didn't mention her by name but she helped me by comparing my feelings with ones she has felt before.

Thank you Free and Please don't retire the B...just let her get some rest so as not to come out swinging TOO awfully hard. Some of us (read: me) need to be "scared straight."

I'll be having a conversation w MM (soon to be X)...Funny, I would do it today but he is at home and I can't contact him....I would do it at work but I don't want to put it in a work email...I would write a letter but I don't have his home address..and if I did the guy would pass out if he got mail from me at home,(Hmmmmmm.....nahhhh! I'll spare him that). So now I am not sure how to do this...

Any suggestions from the pros? Just not telling him last time just didn't work well. Plus I need to for closure for ME.
Avatar for seven_cats
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 8:02am
Delurking to say one thing.

<>

Free is so right! I was there. I was manipulated and twisted for 1.5 years by a jerk. All my friends said I was crazy and he was a Narcissist, but I could not see it. Until one day by his own words, he exposed himself as a user. He was "Bragging" to me on the phone about how he was using emotional blackmail on his OWN sister to get her to do what he wanted.

That's when I saw what he truly was. He didn't have 1 honest relationship in his whole life, even with his own family. My eyes were opened, and I was enraged. I told him off then and there, hung up on him and never called him back. He tried to contact me about 3 months later, guess he figured maybe I’d simmered down by then, but I cut him off at the pass. I did not let him back into my life, and I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not welcome to exploit me any more.

The point to Need2BF is this.. He has exposed himself as a creep and user by his actions, words, and this picture. (A crack addict?!?! He knows he has you right where he wants you.) Get mad, get angry and outraged. How dare he treat you like this! When you’ve had ENOUGH, it will be easy to cut him out of your life. You won’t need to look back.

Good Luck and Be Well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 2:36pm

N2BF403, from your post I see you are married. You may find my post in the SingleOW/OM section to twobfree143 added fuel for your resolve to end your affair. I don't know if you go to church or synagogue or elsewhere; I myself go to church and found remarkable strength from renewing my faith......


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 3:26pm
I am glad to hear that you have made a decision to end things with MM. If you are like me, you have a tendency to speak your mind and might want to recount all of the reasons you are ending the relationship. I resisted this urge and went with a simple email saying "I'm done." I resisted because I didn't want to waste more emotional energy on this man and this A. I resisted because he doesn't seem capable of understanding my emotions so it would be worthless. I resisted because I don't need to explain myself to him after what has happened. He knows. They know why we are ending these relationships. My suggestion is to keep it simple. Tell him it's over and then use your emotional resources to work through how you feel and rebuild yourself. But prepare yourself, my MM responded to my email with "bafflement" even though he had recently missed a meeting we had planned. It is tempting to respond to the bafflement, but it is not worth it. If he doesn't understand or pretends not to, it should take him about thirty seconds to figure it out. If he doesn't and decides you are a btch, that's his own stupidity and defensiveness doing what they always do: protecting themselves.

Good luck, my dear. You are almost there.

---Golda
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 8:39pm
Need

Closure is a nice idea and maybe you will get it most don't

I would suggest that you keep your last communications, SHORT to the POINT, no lovey dovey I will miss you ETC ETC ETC..., I am sure you get the point.

You don't want to explain yourself to him your not having a conversation your giving him his walking papers and as this is not a legit relationship he has NO RIGHTS and you owe him NOTHING.

A brief e-mail not person to person seems to work, with instructions to leave you alone period it is over.

The mail to his house would sure get the point across that you could be a threat to his marriage if he makes a pain of himself BUT if his wife were to find it your hubby could be the next to see it, we wouldn't want that.

If your inclined to get all soft hearted just pull out a copy of the picture he showed you and remember all that RESPECT.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 11:06pm
Free and Company,

I have this card that I bought months ago. It says...

Prompt Decision often succeeds,

Hesitation often fails.



~Lu Xuoxun


My intent when I bought the card was to give it to this man to say ....DON'T HESITATE! LEAVE YOUR WIFE!

I now look at this card with new eyes...it say's dipsh**...(that would be me)...promptly decide to stop this false relationship!

...hesitation does often fails, doesn't it?

I'll never forget the first night we were together. He had to leave me, couldn't spend the night (of course). The next day I had to be in a meeting with him all day. I got up that morning and sat on my bathroom floor and sobbed for a good half and hour while telling myself...DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THIS! DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THIS! And what did I do? Hesitated...just like the card reads. And continued to hesitate every time sense would rear it's ugly head. Well, I am through hesitating.

I was just laying down with my sweet little 2 year old boy, and as usual, wasn't concentrating on what a warm and sweet miracle he is but instead on what I was going to write STBXMM in this beautiful card I got so many months ago. About how I should have never hesitated to end this and blah blah blah... but you know what? I'M KEEPING THE DA** CARD. It will serve as a reminder when I am thinking of lodging my head tightly where I can view the inside of my anal cavity.

I am going to take the lovely picture of the crack addict that he sent and attach a short reply to it...maybe to just suggest to him that he needs to pour himself a nice tall glass of Leave Me The Hell Alone...

Thanks for the strength guys...

I'll be back....

...........................to tell you how great I feel after detox!

Can't wait to change my name!

Need2

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:15pm
Here it is....I attached this to the picture of the crack addict he sent me:


Crack addicts can't be occasional users. They have to stop completely.

That would mean us.

Unfortunately the baby DOES have to be thrown out with the bath water.

Our friendship won't be able to survive the detox.

Since we work together, it may be neccessary from time to time

for us to have to communicate. I will keep it strictly professional and would

ask the same of you.




I was not at work today (ill daughter)so we have had no communication at all today and I have not gotten a read receipt that he has read my email.

As you can see, it was short, sweet, to the point and really all the closure I feel I needed. Like everyone said, why give this man any more of my emotion? It only serves to pump up his already healthy ego (which will need more foder now that I am gone).

I sat through a group therapy session today with a woman who's husband thinks he wants to end their marriage after 25 years because he is having an affair. That was painful. The apparent pain she is going through could have very well been the pain XMM's W would have felt if she had found out about his A.

My beautiful 8 year old daughter looked up at me with her long lashed huge blue eyes the other day as I was explaining a song that was singing about infidelity. She said, "Mommy...I hope no one ever does that to me...."

Everytime I turn on the radio I hear "Saving All My Love For YOU" by Whitney Huston.

Can it BE more apparent to me that what I have done is wrong and it was all for my and XMM's private little Egofest 2004? Thank God his W never found out. One person spared the agony of our actions. All the lying and sneaking. How gratifying those few stolen moments were at the timethey were happening but so ungratifying in hindsite.

Hope none of this is falling on deaf ears.

Perhaps my strength will fade as the days go on, but I have to tell you guys, this being the second time I have tried NC...the feeling of freeedom of choosing the right thing to do sure has me elated right now. If I can just catch hold to it and hang on tight......

Keep your fingers crossed!

Need2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:47pm

Put some Stickum on your hands and hang on........


You'll do just great.


You've got a vision for moving forward.


That makes a BIG difference.


And an 8 yr old's comment to cause you to pause and think........


Good luck,


cl-nre

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