Back to reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Back to reality
5
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:57am
I haven't had a chance to read up on all the posts I missed over the last week. My H and I went to the beach for vacation and had a great time. I can honestly say that our relationship is a lot stronger these days because I am concentrating on what I need to do to make it better.

I am amazed at how much time I spent trying to get out of the house to call or see XMM or making plans for my H to leave to I could call or see him. Starting fights so I could storm out like a 2 year old to my waiting XMM.

I am feeling really ashamed of myself these days. Like I lost 3 years of my marriage because I had my head in my a$$. I don't deserve my H. And do you know the worst part about it?!?!? The first thing I did when I got to the office today was check my e-mail. God I hate feeling this weak. Today marks 3 weeks of NC. I find right now that I don't want to talk to XMM, and I know I don't want back in the relationship, but I want him to want me still. Fight for me so I can ignore him. What kind of person does that make me? I feel like I used to be honest and care about people's feelings. Now, I am manipulative, a liar, and I want XMM to HURT because of me.

I am so unhappy with myself for what I have done....what I have missed....how I have hurt my H. (even though he doesn't know about the A). I know I can start fresh and become a better person, but that doesn't make up for the last 3 years.

What a downer I am on a Monday morning!

:( Frisco

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: frisco059
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 10:59am
Hi Frisco!

Taking responsibility for what we've each done IS important, we all got ourselves into these messes! BUT you also need to take responsibility for your accomplishments! You CHOSE to walk away and work on your marriage! You CHOSE to end something that was toxic to you and your marriage. These are great things! My A, and ultimately ending it, was the most difficult and emotionally confusing thing I have ever been through. It is HUGE to me that I am making it through it. I am so happy and grateful to be connecting to my husband again, and that my life is coming back to me. I think we all should be so proud of ourselves! Frisco, you are smart enough to have realized what you needed to do and to be doing that. You should be very proud of yourself! We are recovering addicts, and we've chosen the tough path- to suffer through the withdrawals and do what it takes to reclaim our lives. That's not easy!

We've all made mistakes. Big ones! But the fact that we are here on this board at all shows that we are committed to turning our lives around.

I also feel guilty about what I've done to my husband and the time and energy I wasted on xOM that I could have put into my marriage. But now when I look at my husband, I feel such love and appreciation for the person he is. AND the person he is NOT!! (xOM) Things aren't perfect yet, but I know that I love him enough to walk away from that unhealthy high I got from xOM.

I'm so proud of all of us, Frisco, and you should be proud of yourself, too! Beating yourself up won't help anyone, but moving forward with love and respect for yourself and for your husband will make all the difference!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: frisco059
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:25am
<<< Now, I am manipulative, a liar, and I want XMM to HURT because of me.>>>>

THIS was the most difficult realization I made soon out of the affair. That it was *ME* who was the manipulator, *ME* who made all the arrangements for meetings, *ME* who begged for the attention, etc. He would always supply it, but I was the aggressor in asking for it. Coming to terms with the fact that I needed assurance of my importance, that I needed validation of my worth, that I was THE INTRUDER in his marraige, was emotionally cataclismic for me: BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES! This is also when I realized that XMM wasn't the total slimeball I had made him out to be. He was only following orders from the woman that supplied his sexual needs. What HOT-blooded man wouldn't be obliging under these types of circumstances?

Once we realize that *WE* had much to do with setting ourselves up for this fall, is when we can start forgiving ourselves and letting go.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: frisco059
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 12:43pm
<>

I could have written these words!!! I want exMM to contact me so I can ignore him and/or ream him a new one for the way he treated me. I've suffered, so I want him to as well (though I know he is...his W knows about the A...), and I want him to miss me.

I feel SO childish to think that...but I think as long as we realize that these feelings are inappropriate, its okay to have them for a while. I mean, you can't be a mature grownup 100% of the time! I've indulged some of my immature feelings, but know that I must move past them eventually. I know as time goes on, they will naturally fade as his memory does.

Frisco, it sounds like you are strong and know what you need to do to move on with your life...focus on your future and your M, and those feelings for exOM will become less important and intrusive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: frisco059
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:24pm
Frisco


The past is dead and done with you can do nothing to change it but the future really is in your hands to make happy and healthy lives for you and your husband, focus on what you can change not on what you can't.

Count the blessings in your life and don't let anyone including yourself rob you of them.

Peace and Prosperity

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: frisco059
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:39pm
Hi Frisco,

Welcome back.

I am glad to hear you had a nice time with your H. Dont let your guards down, Feeling guilty is completely normal. You are doing something about this and it is all for the good. Keep up your strengths and forget the past. You cant go back and change the past whats done is done, you can now focus on your future and do whats right move in the right direction. You have an incredible hubby ready to start all over again. BE STRONG.

YOU CAN DO IT. IT TAKES TIME AND ALOT OF EFFORT BUT IT WILL PAY OFF IN THE END.......

Hugs

Lady Bug