back at square 1 no thanks to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
back at square 1 no thanks to me
19
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:54am
do any of you wonder what OM is doing right now? like you know his daily routien .. u know when he gets to work what he does what he does when he gets home and what he usuallydoes on weekends... im in that place today .. i see him online and hes at work .. and i wonder will he leave early today will he be bbqing with his family this weekend will he be home or at his beach house...i never had to wonder before cause i knew what he was doin ...now i dont ... insanity...we ended good this time .. but it doesnt hurt any less... i know this isnt healty... i have an addictive personality and i felt like he was my drug of choice and this is more difficult this time then before... any way i just needed to get this out.. thanks for listening... all i do is sit and cry when im alone .. and drink... no way to live... im such a fool......

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 11:41am

Chin up mess, I think all of us have had those obsessive thoughts from time to time. The good news is that with the passing of time, you just don't waste your thoughts on HIM anymore.
When those thoughts start popping up in your head, make yourself focus on positive thoughts such as the opportunity you now have for a new lease on life.

Think about how once you get over this "bump" in the road, you will have learned some very valuable life lessons that will strengthen your character and make you a better, stronger and more compassionate person.

Think of things you can do for other people that will add value to THEIR life (giving of yourself really aids in the healing process)

Think about all the people in your life who truly love and care about you and how valuable they are to you. Focus on THEM and how fortunate you are to have them.

Think about the devistation it would cause to hose who love you if they found out about the A and be thankful you got out before being discovered.

Think about leaving the destructive forces of depression, anger and grief behind you and move forward to joy and happiness.

Think about how wrong the relationship was to begin with and now you are finally doing the right thing. Feel GREAT about that!

Think about your future and how you can finally live your life free of lies, fear and guilt.

Go outside and smell the fresh air, look up at the blue sky (IF the sky is blue where you live) reflect on all you have to be greatful for.

If you are a spiritual person, pray. Thank God for your life and all you have. Talk to him, it helps.

Hope your day goes better from here on out!
CGU

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 11:45am
thank u CGU.. its what i have to do ...long tuff road ahead......thanks a bunch
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 4:34pm

Hey WAM, you sound like me. And for that reason I'm going to give you some loving and caring advice. Put down the bottle.

I'm a recovering addict and my XMM was and still is my drug of choice. I don't even know if the intense feelings that creep up in me are even related to HIM anymore, or just the thrill I got from the A and the way he made me feel. Although our A ended almost 1 1/2 years ago, he's still trying to contact me and I'm still allowing it to happen. And even tho I know it's absolutely fatal for my life, I haven't taken any steps to permanently stop him. For some dumb reason, I keep wishing he'll stop on his own and I won't have to force him to stop.

But you know, I was thinking about this week and realizing that it really wouldn't matter WHO was trying to contact me, it was really about the fact of the contact itself. It could have been a computer-generated message for all I cared. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten alot of the particulars about my XMM, but his contact dredged up the A feelings and I was off and running with them.

It's the feelings from the A, you know. If you are an addict, active or recovering, we have such difficulties with facing life on its own terms, you know? I posted earlier this week that intellectually I know I've got to put a bullet in this once and for all. But because I'm an addict I crave a little chaos in my life on occasion. This, from I can tell from sharing with all my addict friends, is pretty much universal for "us."

Free has been trying to bolster my willingness to give up the A feelings once and for all, and approach him exactly, I mean exactly, the way I approach my drugs: I may love the feeling but I won't stop until I've caused harm. I guess I still believe on some level that I can control my interaction with him; i.e. that one phone call won't lead to a seedy motel. I can stop at any point. One of my recovering friends tells me talking to him is like drinking diet coke at the bar. All the elements for disaster are right there available to me, I'm just kidding myself that I'll say "no" if the opportunity presents itself. The reality is, I can't guarantee that I'll say "no" to XMM.

Anyway honey, I diverged from your message. Do yourself one great big huge favor though, and put down the booze. It's a depressant and will only make you feel better in the short term. And when your inhibitions are lowered from drinking, well, there's no telling what you'll do and be extremely sorry about the next day.

Yes, I do sometimes wonder what my XMM is doing, then realize is none of my #$%&* business. I'm trying to keep my side of the street clean today and participate in my life, my recovery and my marriage. I can blow all of that to h#ll with one stupid phone call to find out how my XMM is doing.

Please hang in there. You've got no need to know what he's up to at this moment, but know that someone here understands exactly why you feel compelled to have that information. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:18pm

Mo,
Now that's calling a spade a spade. I love it.

CGU

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:21pm
Sorry, double posted


Edited 5/27/2005 11:48 pm ET ET by cowgirlsup
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:42pm

ok the crying will happen...its a release..BUT STOP DRINKING HOME ALONE NOW!

alcohol and sugars are a depressant. STOP DRINKING!

DO YOU WANT TO BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC ON TOP OF ALL THIS?? Is he worth that much more destruction to you?? Hell no.

It wont help the crying...the crying is hard enough without adding to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 3:07am

wam,

this is normal but when it gets to be chronic then maybe i need professional help, have u tried counselling and maybe some meds to help u cope

we have all been there, u must be strong, i too feel like u feel and im sure most of us here feel the same thing, male or female, its an addiction and its hard to go cold turkey

in time u will heal and not be addicted anymore, im single and sometimes i feel like how u feel but it is only going to eat u up if u let it, only u can put a stop to it, im on 2 months now with no contact with OW, do i still miss her, yes i do, but i dont cry and stay at home anymore, and try to go out and do some activities to make myself busy

do u have some family, spend some time with them, hey i have no single living relative that i know of (i was given away from birth) so i still survive, talk about being alone and lonely but in time u will adopt and all will be well

i know i can do it, hang in there and pls dont drink any more alcohol, its only going to mask the pain and not heal it

take care,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 7:30pm
thank u for understanding i know booze isnt the answer and booze is what got me all messed up over the weekend i saw him.. but i feel i need it.. i need him. i need the drama.. u so totally get what im feeling its amazing u understand.. long tuff road .. i dont know if im strong enuff
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 8:36am

WAM, you so totally are strong enough but I understand why you think you're not.
Right now, living any other way and not having booze or any other drug to soothe your pain is unimaginable. There's no way you can understand this now, but things will look totally different once you put down the booze.

One "universal" truth for addicts is that we don't like not to feel good. I don't know what you got out of your A, but the only way to begin to heal is to figure out why the XMM did for you. I mean, how did he make you feel? What part of you did he reach in a way that no one else ever has?

As I said in my first post in this thread, the addiction arises in connection with your feelings about this man and/or the affair. The alcohol is an attempt to numb the feelings. Simple enough, right? The feelings won't pass until you allow yourself to feel them. Trying to numb yourself will keep you locked and loaded right where you are, in a world of pain. Obviously, you don't want to stay there.

I sure hope you're feeling better today, although it's a long weekend and sometimes all that extra time is difficult to deal with. I'll be checking here throughout the day so if there's anything I can do to help, please feel free to post to me. In the meantime, I do so understand where you are and I have lots of faith that you can move past it. You just need to ask for help. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:38am

That was one incredible post, girl! I too am a recovering addict (alcohol) and my A took place while I was still using. The A, as well as the booze, was an escape from my miserable life and marriage. It wasn't till I put down the bottle (was sent to rehab in December 2002 for my 3rd DUI)that I could finally see how the A had destroyed my self-esteem, my life, my marriage (well, that sucked anyway cause the ex was an alchoholic and batterer -- no wonder I strayed!) my family, MY WORLD! I started posting on these affair boards in October 2000 as englishrose1205/hollydaze2001 if you ever care to visit the archives. The oldtimers will tell you I was one F-d up chickie!

If you or anyone else would like to know more, I would be happy to elaborate. Or feel free to contact me via email. I would be interested to know more about your situation as well. Have you been posting here long? Do I know you under another name perhaps?

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