Back to Square One....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Back to Square One....
21
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 11:59am

Welllll.....I broke NC yesterday.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 12:14pm

Pinky,
I didn't even read the particulars past, like, paragraph two... I mean, all that stuff is BS and doesn't matter. Hate to break it to you, but you've never left square one. You didn't block him; you're still receiving his text -- you are NOT NC.

Long story short, you are NOT responsible for his alcoholism, now or then. It's egotism and co-dependency to presume you are. Please address that within yourself. Moreover, you need to block him - but that is sooooo obvious that it almost irritates me to type it. I don't care if he's ranting, crying, threatening.... jumping off a roof... IT DOESN'T MATTER. You cannot control his behavior by staying in contact with him; you have NO influence on how he acts. Let it go! Do you really think lecturing him or threatening him will make a difference? Well, if you thought that then, you certainly know better now, don't you. I mean, what did it get you to break NC the last time - when you threatened to hand him over to your H? Nada. That accomplished NADA -- oh, except to let him know that he's 'getting to you' and encourage him to keep it up.

I'm really glad that you came here to keep it real, especially because you're going to need to hear that you're currently on the wrong path. I'm not dispensing 'tough love', just the truth. I hope that you'll be able to drop all defensiveness and really HEAR what the board says to you about this.

Today is a new day; make it one you can be proud of.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 12:19pm

Oh, I wanted to clarify a few things because I know people will ask.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 12:25pm

I am not defensive about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 12:39pm

Pinky,
I want to clarify that I was not saying your were defensive. I was only warning that the a very natural response to hearing difficult truths is defensiveness. I can see how that would be confusing and I'm sorry I was not more clear.

Re: the text and NC. If you really want to stop hearing from X, you can. New phone number? change your plan? throw your phone in the trash? A lot of Enders here have had to do as much. I hope someone who is more phone savvy than I will advise you on this.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 12:46pm
LOL...did you see my post from the other day titled "What to Do When..."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 1:50pm

Sorry Pinky I'm new posting and I posted my reply to you in my own post board :-))

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 2:08pm

pinky,

i'm proud of you for being honest here, and i want you to know you are not alone. your story sounds very similar to what i experienced when i first tried to break NC in mid-july. every time i told my AP i was done, i'd get drunk texts or calls that would go from "i'm so in love with you, you're the most beautiful amazing woman etc etc etc" to "how can you do this to me, how can you treat me this way, i would do anything for you, you're rejecting my love" blah blah. my xAP was a drinker before i met him, and is more of a drinker now given everything that's going on, and i would always get scared taht in his drunken state, he'd do something crazy like show up at my house and confront my H, or send me a dirty picture message or something.

i understand the desire to want to set the record straight and put an end to his rambling--believe me, i get it. but, you gotta remember that his drunken babble is HIS problem, not yours. he will say anything he can to get a rise out of you, because it means you'll at least interact with him. inhibitions are out the window when there's alcohol involved, so he's really going to give you all the $hit he can when he's drinking.

DO NOT fall for it. you are NOT abandoning him. i understand that feeling and grapple with it regularly. im constantly reminding myself that AP is a grown ass man and should be able to handle himself. your AP, and mine, are selfish to continue baiting us when we've made our feelings clear and are trying to move forward. your AP doesn't realize it now, and who knows if he ever does, but nothing is going to improve for either of you unless the cord is cut.

the other thing you have to remember is, and i think there is a thread about this somewhere, there is no such thing as closure in an affair. your AP may never understand why things have to end, or why you're cutting contact. he may naively believe you guys can stay friends, or stay acquaintances, or whatever. dont even go down the road of trying to convince him its for the best or any of that. just let him be pissed, and know that he cant be hassling you forever, he'll do it a little bit at first and if you dont take the bait, he'll stop. you have wised up, and your ONLY responsibility right now is to yourself and your family, NOT to AP. it is his job to figure his issues out.

most of the ladies here have struggled with NC and broke it a few times before getting it straight. so get back on the horse and learn from your fall--dont take his bait. whatever it is.

good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 2:32pm

Thank you both!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 2:44pm

pinky,
i normally dont make absolute statements and rarely criticize in my posts, but damn girl, your xAP sounds really messed up! his behavior is seriously abusive and you need to be protecting yourself.

"I have always been viewed by all of my friends as such a strong person who can really take of herself in any situation.". i can absolutely relate to this statement, and most of my frineds dont know about the A, and would probably be shocked if they found out how bad i was feeling because i never asked anybody for any help.

one of the biggest lessons i learned was that if i feel depressed and alone and lost, i need to reach out, because failing to reach out was what made me so vulnerable to AP's advances. i ended up in a situation where AP was the only person i was honest with, the only person who really knew what was going on with me, and resultantly, i too became totally emotionally isolated.

stay away from this dude pinky. he is bad news. he's probably got a lot of goodness in him, and i'm not trying to knock on him, but just reading that story tells me that he's very volatile and cutting the cord is not only necessary for your getting past this A, but for getting yourself into a healthier life situation in general.

good luck babe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 2:51pm

AMEN to EVERYTHING you just said....


And I forgot to say that H already knows all about xAP.

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