Back from trip
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Back from trip
| Mon, 12-15-2003 - 9:58am |
Hello all. Sorry that I have been out of touch. I was out of town. The anniversary trip went okay. Not great, but tolerable. We just don't know what to do without our daughter. She makes for the fun times. As we were driving to the airport my W commented on how nice it was. She has done that before when I thought the trip was a disaster. I don't understand. Does she not see the tension and the problems? I thought that it was just me until a completely objective outside party commented on how much we bicker back and forth at each other. My W just does not have the same sense of humor that I have. She does not take things well that are said in jest. I think that I have been trying to rationalize that me and OW bickered a lot at the end also. However, that was due mostly to my fence sitting. I miss the easy way that OW and I were together. Yes, there were no bills, everyday problems, etc. We just had an ease with each other. She found the same things funny that I did, she did not mind when things did not turn out the way we planned. The best thing about her was that she could laugh at herself and at less than favorable situations. If the Christmas tree fell off the roof of the car (as it did) she would become silent for a moment and then should would bust out laughing. My W just can't do that. Things like that just send her over the edge. She immediately blames me. She always apologizes later, but the damage is already done.
I guess this is why I am doing what I am doing. I need answers. I cannot break NC, though I am so tempted. I just can't. Every time that I have taken a trip alone with W, in the past, I have come running back to OW. Maybe it is just a habit that is tempting me.
Jon
P.S. Bird, I will respond in detail to your last post later on.

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However, she does not know of the A. I was actually advised by my therapist, not to
tell her. We are trying to keep it together for our child.
Jon
There was a very long debate on AS about telling my H or not telling about A. My T reccomends telling my H about A. If I don't, it will be a wall that forever sits between us. Also, telling will let him know how seriously I need emotional connections from him, that I am not currently getting. I am curious as to why your T does not think it is a good idea to tell your W.
Welcome back.
Sea
Thanks again for all of your support in the past! It meant a lot!
~Serenity
I agree with you about not breaking NC. I am an xOW as well, and am so much better than I was a month ago. Not there all the way yet. To hear from xMM would cancel all the progress we both have made in our individual efforts in improving our Ms. He is not free and I am not free. Until something changes, there is no benefit to either one of us in seeing or hearing from one another.
Sea
The trip was okay. By that, I mean that it was rather amicable and it was good to get away and relax. Maybe some on this board are right. Maybe I compare too much to OW. I can't help it. When I am with my W, I feel that we are going down a list of "places to see and things to do". It would not be that way with OW. We would be spontaneous and play it by ear. I don't know how to describe it any other way. I have tried to accept her (W) as she is and I know that she is trying to be more flexible and spontaneous for me. However, those changes are contributing to our constant bickering that someone noticed. We are not having all out fights, we are just snapping at each other.
Also, lets just be honest. I do not feel the passion for my W that I should. I do not want to stay in our hotel with her. She claims that she does have it for me, yet I do not really believe her. It seems that she would rather discuss the problems with our sex life than really do anything about it.
I wish that I could explain it better.
Are you going to go on a trip? Have you decided whether to tell your H? Your daughter sounds a lot like I believe mine will be at that age. She is very very perceptive.
Jon
Hang in there with NC. It is so hard, but you are doing the right thing. Keep posting.
Jon
One question. Do you believe that you can truly rebuild while keeping the affair secret?
~Love
I do know (deep down inside) that I am taking the easy way out. There are others on this board that argue that you should not tell the spouse if you are certain that you want the M and will not go back to an A. How can I really be certain of that? I told myself that I was certain when I made the decision to stay in the M. Now, some time has past, habits and behaviors are settling back to what they were, and I am not so sure. My OW was so dissapointed in me in the end. She told me that I truly was a coward. I cannot deny her words. I have spent so many years dancing on eggshells with my W to keep the peace that I probably even do it in my sleep. I do not like confrontations, or conflict. I am terrible with conflict. That is something that I am trying to work on.
Sorry, I am really wearing my emotions on my sleeve today.
Jon
Hey, Jon, good to see you again!
As long as you are happy with the choices that you are making now, and have good intentions, that's all that matters.
I suppose I could have remained married to my X after he cleaned himself up and maintained his sobriety. I could have kept the family intact, after all I do have 2 kids, 14 and 7 (now). 11 and 4 then. I could have tried to learn how to love him and see if I could focus on the things that I liked about him in order to make everyone happy. I wasn't happy though, and I didn't love him. He deserves to be with someone who can love him completely, and I needed to be free. The kids have made it through, they're okay, despite the fact that their father lives a few states away....The bickering, arguing, hostility, and cynicism would have only gotten worse. And life is too short.
The point I'm trying to make is (in my opinion), you've got to do it for YOU first. Stay or go. Once you do that, everything else falls into place.
For what it's worth...
~Love
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