Back from trip

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Back from trip
34
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 9:58am
Hello all. Sorry that I have been out of touch. I was out of town. The anniversary trip went okay. Not great, but tolerable. We just don't know what to do without our daughter. She makes for the fun times. As we were driving to the airport my W commented on how nice it was. She has done that before when I thought the trip was a disaster. I don't understand. Does she not see the tension and the problems? I thought that it was just me until a completely objective outside party commented on how much we bicker back and forth at each other. My W just does not have the same sense of humor that I have. She does not take things well that are said in jest. I think that I have been trying to rationalize that me and OW bickered a lot at the end also. However, that was due mostly to my fence sitting. I miss the easy way that OW and I were together. Yes, there were no bills, everyday problems, etc. We just had an ease with each other. She found the same things funny that I did, she did not mind when things did not turn out the way we planned. The best thing about her was that she could laugh at herself and at less than favorable situations. If the Christmas tree fell off the roof of the car (as it did) she would become silent for a moment and then should would bust out laughing. My W just can't do that. Things like that just send her over the edge. She immediately blames me. She always apologizes later, but the damage is already done.

I guess this is why I am doing what I am doing. I need answers. I cannot break NC, though I am so tempted. I just can't. Every time that I have taken a trip alone with W, in the past, I have come running back to OW. Maybe it is just a habit that is tempting me.

Jon

P.S. Bird, I will respond in detail to your last post later on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:06pm
We have been in marriage counseling for the better part of 13 years. We were in counseling before we got married. I have been honest about my feelings for my W.

However, she does not know of the A. I was actually advised by my therapist, not to

tell her. We are trying to keep it together for our child.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:31pm
I have been posting at AS and lurking here. I read your posts with great interest, as our situations are very similar only you are male WS. Our 13 yr old daughter actually suggested my H & I take a trip together, and she volounteered (LOL) to stay with my sister and her kids. So, I was very curious as to how your vacation went. Sounds like it could have been better for you, perhaps it was really good for your W. At least it was a break in the routine of life at home and you did some fun things together. Even that is a baby step in the right direction. Doing something for yourselves that is shared just by the 2 of you and creating good memories. Our daughter has become the glue that holds us together. We have not been on a vacation without her, and I am almost afraid we wouldn't know what to talk about by ourselves.

There was a very long debate on AS about telling my H or not telling about A. My T reccomends telling my H about A. If I don't, it will be a wall that forever sits between us. Also, telling will let him know how seriously I need emotional connections from him, that I am not currently getting. I am curious as to why your T does not think it is a good idea to tell your W.

Welcome back.

Sea

Sea
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:32pm
Hey Jon, I don't know if you remember me or not, but you helped me out a lot right after Thanksgiving. I wouldn't worry about the person who keeps thinking that they know everything... as she keeps posting. I can TOTALLY relate to everything you have said in this stran of posts as well as your other posts in the past. My marriage is the exact same way. We have a son and I am trying to be content and find happiness there. I finally called it off with MM, which is what you advised me to do a while back, I just wasn't ready then. It's hard, but I just keep pushing through. Please don't break NC with OW... that would not only be hard on you, but it would also destroy all of the healing that OW has gone through since you last spoke with her. I know, much easier said than done! Keep your head up!!

Thanks again for all of your support in the past! It meant a lot!

~Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:41pm
Serenity-

I agree with you about not breaking NC. I am an xOW as well, and am so much better than I was a month ago. Not there all the way yet. To hear from xMM would cancel all the progress we both have made in our individual efforts in improving our Ms. He is not free and I am not free. Until something changes, there is no benefit to either one of us in seeing or hearing from one another.

Sea

Sea
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 6:20pm
Hi Sea. Thanks for responding. My T seemed to go with the belief that it would be a boulder that would hinder us forever if I told. I am, and always have been, terrified of losing contact with my child. I was always afraid that my W would take her and move across the country. I actually thought that it would be best to tell. In some ways, I think that is the only way to show your partner how far gone you really are/were. That puts everything on the table and you know what you are up against. I told my W that I was in love with OW at the very beginning of my A. OW and I had had no intimate contact at that time. I actually believed that we could keep it that way. We immediately went back to marriage counseling and all of our problems became about the OW. It took about 1 year to get back on track with the real problems in my M. By that time, I was deep into the A. I never breathed a word of it to my W again. If I am really honest, maybe I am just too scared to ever tell for fear of losing my child. I always wanted my W to be the one to leave. Then, I felt that she would bend over backwards to help me stay in contact with my child. I never dreamed what a wonderful experience fatherhood would be for me. I love it more than anything I have ever done in my life. My daughter is definitely the glue that holds us together. I do not look forward to trips without her.

The trip was okay. By that, I mean that it was rather amicable and it was good to get away and relax. Maybe some on this board are right. Maybe I compare too much to OW. I can't help it. When I am with my W, I feel that we are going down a list of "places to see and things to do". It would not be that way with OW. We would be spontaneous and play it by ear. I don't know how to describe it any other way. I have tried to accept her (W) as she is and I know that she is trying to be more flexible and spontaneous for me. However, those changes are contributing to our constant bickering that someone noticed. We are not having all out fights, we are just snapping at each other.

Also, lets just be honest. I do not feel the passion for my W that I should. I do not want to stay in our hotel with her. She claims that she does have it for me, yet I do not really believe her. It seems that she would rather discuss the problems with our sex life than really do anything about it.

I wish that I could explain it better.

Are you going to go on a trip? Have you decided whether to tell your H? Your daughter sounds a lot like I believe mine will be at that age. She is very very perceptive.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 6:28pm
Hey Serenity. I am proud of you for establishing no contact. I believe that we know that we will never get any of the answers that we seek without NC. The only way that we will ever be able to hold our heads up high and feel good about our actions is if we give our marriages a chance without our A's. I keep believing that the right answers will come. They cannot come while we are on the fence. You are right about hurting OW. That is what keeps me from contacting her during my weak moments. I still cannot give her any answers. Every time that I did this in the past, I just led her to believe that I had made some decisions and was ready to make a move. She was crushed over and over again.

Hang in there with NC. It is so hard, but you are doing the right thing. Keep posting.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 6:39pm
Jon, for what it's worth (2 cents I suppose) I believe that you are doing the right thing. If you believe that there is even a slight possibility that you can make the marriage work, then by all means that's what you should do. I think it's great that you have maintained NC with your OW. If in the future you decide to leave your wife, then you will at least be able to do it knowing that you have tried everything.

One question. Do you believe that you can truly rebuild while keeping the affair secret?



~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 6:55pm
Hey Love. In answer to your question, I didn't until I started seeing my therapist. It haunts me every day. I was in an A over half of the time that I have been married. OW and I had a heated debate about this at the end. She just could not understand how I could go back into the M, especially to try to have another child, without telling my W.

I do know (deep down inside) that I am taking the easy way out. There are others on this board that argue that you should not tell the spouse if you are certain that you want the M and will not go back to an A. How can I really be certain of that? I told myself that I was certain when I made the decision to stay in the M. Now, some time has past, habits and behaviors are settling back to what they were, and I am not so sure. My OW was so dissapointed in me in the end. She told me that I truly was a coward. I cannot deny her words. I have spent so many years dancing on eggshells with my W to keep the peace that I probably even do it in my sleep. I do not like confrontations, or conflict. I am terrible with conflict. That is something that I am trying to work on.

Sorry, I am really wearing my emotions on my sleeve today.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 10:07pm

Hey, Jon, good to see you again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 10:10pm
Jon, I can see both sides. To tell or not to tell. There are valid reasons for both.

As long as you are happy with the choices that you are making now, and have good intentions, that's all that matters.

I suppose I could have remained married to my X after he cleaned himself up and maintained his sobriety. I could have kept the family intact, after all I do have 2 kids, 14 and 7 (now). 11 and 4 then. I could have tried to learn how to love him and see if I could focus on the things that I liked about him in order to make everyone happy. I wasn't happy though, and I didn't love him. He deserves to be with someone who can love him completely, and I needed to be free. The kids have made it through, they're okay, despite the fact that their father lives a few states away....The bickering, arguing, hostility, and cynicism would have only gotten worse. And life is too short.

The point I'm trying to make is (in my opinion), you've got to do it for YOU first. Stay or go. Once you do that, everything else falls into place.

For what it's worth...

~Love

Love